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female
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*ahnf
writes: My girlfriend of three years and I just broke up last night. She is not out and this has caused a lot of heartache in our relationship. We have broken up over this before, but this time it is different. She says that she loves me and wants to come out, but she doesn't think she has the strength. Her family is very Catholic and would disown her in a heartbeat. She is very close to them, and she feels like she has to make them happy instead of herself. I'm so hurt right now. How can I move on with my life? I love her so much, and I see how much pain she is in. How can I be there for her, and yet take care of myself?
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female
reader, SarahLB +, writes (3 August 2005):
I came out to my parents about 5 years ago, I had already been with my grlfriend for 2 years. My parents are not catholic but they are very religious. I was really worried about it and I can totally relate to this.
I think you have to look at yourself and ask why it is so important that she is out. She is not ashamed of you or what you have together. We all go through life wanting to make our parents proud and to tell them something that you know will really hurt them is a massive decision.
She needs to do it in her own time. Secrets are hard to keep, she is probably beating herself up about it on a daily basis, she needs your support. I am assuming that you want to be proud of her and show her off, be open with your relationship and let everyone know how happy you are...? Perhaps you could find a safe environment where you can be open about your relationship that doesn't mean she has to do anything she's not ready for.
A
female
reader, auntiebunny +, writes (2 August 2005):
 You don't say how old you and your girlfriend are, so I'm presuming she still lives at home. choosing between your family and an unnaccepted lover or in this case, sexual preference can be a near impossible decision,so i wouldn't advise making any rash decisions. because of her family's strict catholicism, coming out would probably not be the best action, and although i would not normally encourage secrecy,it may spare a lot of bad feeling.the situation will almost certainly get easier with time,and as your girlfriend gains more freedom the problem will be easier to handle. the best thing you can do is to stick by her, but make sure she is aware of your feelings. if she makes it clear there is no future for you and you cannot accept just being friends, you should let her be, if only to spare your own feelings, but i hope for your sake that she finds a way to juggle both a relationship with you and a relationship with her family. best of luck x x x
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