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*he Adorable Smurf
writes: My boyfriend has done something wrong. Right now I know I can't forgive him, nor forget what he did. However, I don't really want to break up with him (he is still the same adorable guy, and has done his best for me to forgive him). I keep hoping that it will eventually be all right again.There are times when I remember all the great stuff and only want that back, and times when I just hate what he did and don't want to see him again. What do I do about that? He knows I have these ups and downs, and they are driving ME crazy. Could it push HIM away?I had experienced this situation before, and never really got over it. Should I continue this relationship, when my past shows that it could turn into a "get back at him" kind of thing? I mean, is it normal for me to remember it from time to time and make him feel guilty all over again? I don't think so, so what's there to be done? Is it just me being stubborn and unwilling to let it in the past? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2005): A similar situation happened to me last year with my (now) ex girlfriend. She did something that made me feel terrible, i lost all trust in her. I still thought she was a nice girl so I made the decision to stay with her and try to make it work. It just became worse and worse as time went on. I never felt i could regain my trust in her after what had happened, i could never get it out of my head. The next 8 months were up and down for both of us, I became jealous becuase i didn't trust her and our relationship became very unhealthy. She eventually dumped me because i couldn't let it go. Looking back, I wish i had made the decision to break up with her straight after it happened. Someone famous once said "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." If someone does something to betray your trust in them, you dont have to put up with it. My advice is to put yourself first and let it go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2005): For your relationship to succeed and for you to feel whole again..it's critical that you must be willing to forgive him. And it's not an easy thing to do...it's a big change in mindset and you need to acquire a strong, very positive attitude. You have to be determined to say goodbye once and for all, to the pain that plaques you.
If you are unable to forgive your boyfriend, consider the alternative which will be the negative creation of a blockage in your life--a low-grade anger that permeates your whole view of him. It will grow in time..don't do that to him or yourself. Perhaps you can live with this blockage but your life will never be completely pleasant because the hurt and anger you feel will keep coming up. And its impact will not just be limited to the person who hurt you; it will affect other aspects of your life. Your life can become an accumulation of hurts and resentments that will keep multiplying.
I have to ask...Could it be that you don't really want to do the work it takes to let go of this pain? To some people, forgiving feels a lot like loss, because once you forgive someone, you have to let go of the hurt you have come to known as a friend. You are acting in your own best interest when you choose to forgive, and that will take incredible courage and strength.
Start by, being willing to entertain the possibility of forgiveness of your b/f. This is always the first step. You need to understand that forgiveness happens slowly. Ask yourself, How will this be helpful to me? Think about why you want to forgive this person and imagine how things will be once you get your rage out of the way.
I wish you well with this. It's not an easy task that lay ahead of you..but with help & support from a counselor or trusted family and friends...I know you'll be able to get there. Good luck and stay strong. Hugs, Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2005): My boyfriend has recently done something he shouldn't have. I made the decision to forgive him as I believed that he regretted it and will not do it again. It was extremely hard for me to forgive him. But if you make that decision to forgive him then you need to not bring it up and make him feel guilty. At the same time he really needs to be there for you and show how much he regrets it and how much he loves you. Sometimes I think of it and it makes my heart drop but I try and push it out of my head and carry on. Actually you will never forget it. It is a part of your life. You just need to find your way of dealing with it. There is no easy answer for this one. My way is if I think about it, I think of all the good things ie. it has actually brought us closer and our communication is better than ever. Actually our relationship is better than ever. So I see his mistake as a kick in the butt about our relationship and me. It made him realise what he has and how much he loves me. So yes it is normal for you to remember it from time to time but you need to put it in the past and not bring it up to him. It could eventually push him away. Find the positives. Good luck!
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