A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, Dearcupid.My girlfriend gets really self conscious sometimes and it seems to be an all-consuming thing. She loses touch of reality and becomes obsessed with how she looks. Despite her being only 5'1, and 43kg's she thinks she is fat and "heavy and sluggish".When she gets like this, she'll turn really, REALLY mean on me. Act like it's my fault and take out all her frustration and anger on me. I have, I am, and I always will tell her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world to me. And that I know a ton of girls that would kill for a body like hers (really, I do). She's so amazingly gorgeous and i hate it when she does this to herself.I try to help her and she'll push me away, or attack me, or shoot me down ASAP. Then she'll just go on to destroy herself, she'll crash diet and she'll lose at least 3-7 kilos and it's still not enough. She says it's because she needs to have "control" over something but as for the snapping at me, she still doesn't have a reason. What in gods name does she need control over? And why the hell does she act like it's my bloody fault!?Please help! :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (14 December 2010):
First off, she's lucky to have you! Not many would stick around when she's being so difficult.
She has an eating disorder. Take it from someone who´s had it. Ofcourse this stems from severe insecurity and it takes a long while before someone like that starts to accept herself for who she is.
Was she bullied in the past? It could also be that she has problems at home. If she has a very chaotic family or a family that tries to control everything she does, then it's logical she would search for something SHE has control over, in this case her weight. Try to talk to her about that, so maybe she too can learn to understand why she is being this way.
The problem with helping people like her is that in most cases they don't think they have a problem. Suggesting counselling or similar solutions will probably make her angry. This makes talking very difficult, because she probably won't listen to a word you say. Still, if you want to try, here are some ideas:
- Tell her that crash dieting will only destroy her metabolism, which will make it much harder to maintain her weight. If she keeps going the whole jojo-ing process will start which means losing muscle and gaining fat in the long run. She can do irreparable damage to her body--for what: a bit of control which is just an illusion anyway because in reality she has no control at all.
- Tell her that if she seeks control over something, it would be nice to start with gaining control over those mood swings.
If she doesn't improve you have to leave, for your sake AND her's. People with self image issues and an ED become very self involved and narcissistic and drag other people down with them. I don't care how pretty she is, but if you can't reach her, then you're wasting your time.
A
female
reader, Maria-consuela  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 It isn't your fault, it has nothing to do with you.
You must realize that you have no control over the way she feels about her weight, her images of herself and self-perception are internal (mental) and possibly driven from some emotional trauma, an incident in her upbringing or simply deep-seeted insecurity.
You can help only by being supportive. You telling her that you think she is beautiful and thin and should stop restricting calories is the equivalent of me telling an alcoholic not to drink so much.
Your control over the situation is non-existant, and as much as that sucks for your own sanity you must truly understand this.
The only thing you can do is state to her that if she wants help you can look into different types of therapy, counselling, maybe a body-image workshop.
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