A
male
age
36-40,
*njoimx
writes:Me and my girlfriend started an "open" relationship about a month ago. We had an intense relationship this summer and I fell in love with her. I went back to school at the end of the summer, and she stayed where we met. When we parted, the communication became very stressed and difficult. Thus, she suggested an open relationship, saying that she still cared deeply for me but we were leading seperate lives at this point and couldnt work on our problems long distance.Since we started this open relationship I have been in and out of depression. I have been reading books on self improvement, books about how to set someone you love free, as well as seeing a therapist at school. I have been drinking alot as well. I am unproductive at school and i am constantly searching for another girl to replace her, which i feel is an extremely unhealthy thing to do.I still exchange friendly emails and phone calls occasionally with her, hoping that she will see me as someone who can make a relationship work through hard times. I dont want this to just have been a summer fling. I dont want to lose this girl but I feel helpless.I am harboring resentment towards her desire to have an open relationship with me.Should I consider this over, and if so, how do I enter out of this state of depression, this feeling that I lost someone with such a beautiful soul and personality?Thnk you for advice
View related questions:
depressed, fell in love, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, georgie4 +, writes (8 January 2010):
I think your problems steam deeper than the open relationship. My guess is that it's a communication issue. Have you shared these feelings with her honestly? If you did that and she really loved you she would I'm sure either agree to an exclusive realtionship or end the relationship. The smart thing to do is making her choose how she really feels about you (because she may not know).
Since you are young I know it's easy to feel jealous or depressed, but take a look at the big picture. Sex should be fun! Hell, relationships should be fun! So get excited about life, flirt with some girls. Gossip like you were talking to your best friend if you have an exciting encounter with your long distance girlfriend. It could make your relationship stronger and it could help you find your emotional stability. Also, think of the sexual excitement that comes with a sense of completion!
My advice:
1. Get your own shit together. School/work wise.
2. Hang out with your guy friends.
3. Talk to your girlfriend. Trust her, if she's open minded enough to suggest it she'll listen.
4. Start flirting, build relationships with other girls. BE HONEST WITH THEM!
5. Have fun! Love is everywhere!
A
female
reader, Jenni2878 +, writes (12 January 2009):
 listen don't listen to them. there are very much open relationships. especially in long distance. and lots of them are very happy. if your choosing to be in this relationship because you love her. then let yourself be happy about it appreciate the good points of it and the good points of her. there is no point in being in it if your going to focus on all the bad points and make yourself sick over it. you two have already agreed to an open relationship so you have expressed your feelings townard each other and accknowledged you care about each other. sweet! focus on the good. see other people keep with all the nice emails and comments. see other people your allowed too. your not cheating on her. you both agreed to openess. if you like those people you keep seeing them if not you move on. these people don't affect your relationship with her unless you decide that you like one so much you want to move into monogamy with them. other then that have fun with her be a nice kind guy and let yourself be happy when the time is right you guys will get together. but self destructing yourself will push her away emotionally which i can tell is the opposite of what you want
...............................
A
female
reader, lilgirly  +, writes (25 November 2007):
 hey,
first of all i would like to say that there is no such thing as an open relationship, she is just playing with you and you don't know what she might be doing!
an open relationship DOESN'T EXIST, it is only a way to dump you without hurting you, or another way of saying: let me play with your feelings!
WAKE UP this girl doesn't love you. i know this is hard to take, but it is the truth. no one would accpet having an 'open' relationship with another, if there was love in the air....
so why don't you just dump her!and MOVE ON!!
why are you waisting your time , when you already know that this can never work out???
books won't help you, niether therapy, only you can help you! you need to forget about her and stop thinking about having a relationship with her , because that won't come true...... because she doesn't love you! well she isn't the only woman on earth!
you will understand what we are telling you sooner or later, but the sooner the better, becuase it will save you some time and some health......
well good luck and take care byeXXX.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (25 November 2007):
I agree with what daniel said in his point C, how an open relationship is just like have friends with benefits, or f*ck buddies as called it. I dont think that if you really lvoe someone, having an open relationship or frineds with benefits would ever work, because when you are in love, you don't want to know or see the person you love with someone else.
Its understandable that you are feeling depressed in this situation, I think anyone would be. I think you should try to let her go. I mean, is there any chance that you two will ever live closer together, to be able ot make the relationship work? If not, then I think the best thing to do would be to move on. From what you wrote, it seems like you dont really think an open relationship would work and you dont even want one, so why continue this? I know you love her, and its either you have the open relationship with her, or nothing at all...but I think its far better to have nothing atall. Because just having an open relationship will hurt so much more. By letting her go, and not having an open relationship, you allow yourself to fully move on, and set yourself free from the pain, where as if you held on to something you arent truly happy with, you woudlnt be able to do this.
So the next question is, how do you do that? well there is no set answer really, but I think some of the most important things to do is firstly, come to acceptance that it is over. You need to get rid of ANY hope of the chance of you two geting together, until you can do this, you wont be able to move forward. So its about coming to realisation that its over.
So maybe, when you feel ready, you could say to her that you dont see this working out, and end this open relationship that you two have.
It is hard leting go of someone you love, who you view as being perfect, but the point here to remember is that she is not the only girl out there like that, there WILL be more. Just keep telling yourself positive thoughts that you will find someone else, and in the meantime, find ways to enjoy life being single. Become happy with being by yourself. Thats a really important thing to do. As you said yourself, you KNOW its not a healthy thing to do, to find somoene to replace her with. So I would suggest dont even look for somoene just yet, until you can find that happines being single.
Also you said you were reading books about self improvement...why? Do you not feel good about yourself? Do yo utink that maybe if you could imrpvoe yourself, she would want to have an exclusive relationship with you? I think maybe you are taking this really personal, which I guess many people would. But the way I see it is, is that its not an issue of how good you are, thats not why shes doing this, shes doing it because of the distance, it just simply couldnt work in her view. Im sure you are a lovely guy with many good qualities, and thats why she cares about you, but unfortunately, loving someone and caring about them isnt enough to make a relationship work, as other things can create problems, such as distance.
You also said you have been drinking lots. This is a worry. Have you talking to your counsellor about that?
I hope I have in someway helped. Feel free to PM me.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 November 2007):
 I think you need direct and clear opinions.
A) Yes, you should consider this over, because it is. It was a summer fling indeed. If she were interested, she'd be coming your way. Instead, you're away from each other, communicate "occassionally" (how often is "occassionally"), don't seem to have plans to meet again, and, on top of that, you have an "open" relationship. Either she is playing mind games or this is her way to dump you "nicely". Perhaps she expects you to take the hint.
You say "you and your girlfriend" decided to start an open relationship. From the pain I see in what you wrote, I know that is not the case. She said you two would be having an "open" relationship, and you had no choice but to take it or leave it. You say you're "constantly" searching for a girl to replace her, but the very fact that you're posting this question shows you haven't really tried. This is an open relationship for her, a zero relationship for you.
B) After these harsh words, let me sympathize with you. You can't let your happiness depend on what anyone else does, man. It's clear you're depressed and sad. This is because a woman you love doesn't love you back. But, does it make sense, really, to feel sad and miserable all the time because she won't appreciate you? You have offered her your love and she didn't want it. Well, life is a bitch sometimes; move on.
You don't have give any proofs of who you are, in the "hope" that someone will appreciate your worth. Don't "hope" that someone will love you. That might never happen. Instead of hoping, WORK to achieve that someone will love you. Don't let your happiness to be a matter of good luck.
I think every human being has been where you are now. And we all have managed to survive. So will you. You were happy before you met her; you will be happy again, and I hope sooner rather than later. You can work to make it sooner.
C) Maybe I'm too old-fashioned, but, in my book, an "open" relationship means "fucking buddies". No, I didn't omit the "f" word, because this had to be clear. If what you expect from a person is real love, then NEVER accept an "open" relationship. And, of course, never suggest having one. When you really love someone, her being with another man is a thought you can't bear.
D) Don't read books or see a therapist. Just dump her. That is what you need now.
E) I should also mention that you can't make a person stay with you if that is not what she wants. A very hard lesson to learn, perhaps, but one you should learn very well. Your relationship must be such that she wants to be with you. Let her go away whenever she wants. Her being free and able to go is the only way to be sure that she is with you because she loves you. Yes, you don't want to lose this girl, but what you want is unimportant here. Facts are what matters.
F) You can leave your depression if you understand that you have but one life to live, and, therefore, you should be enjoying it. If someone doesn't love you, well, move on. Learn to be happy no matter what. Someone else will come along. Perhaps the hardest lesson to learn, but, again, one that is worth learning.
...............................
|
