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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My GF and I have been together for nearly 4 years. She lives in her own place (with a mortgage) and i live at home (due to other reasons but i can now afford to move out etc which i am looking to do so). I've talked with my GF about this and the options are to either, sell her house and we buy a house together, rent hers out and we rent a house together, or there is a chance i may have to move interstate for work, so she comes with me and we start our lives over there. She wont consider them. She has suggested i move in with her but its her house, it will never feel like my house and she wants me to pay her rent/board (not just half of the electricity) or something extra which i dont see why i need to. She says that she will loose money if she sells her house right now (but has said she doesn't see herself there forever but needs to keep it for a few years for it to improve so she can make at least some money back) and that she couldn't afford to rent hers out and rent elsewhere. She also doesn't want to give up her job (which i understand). People say to me that i shouldn't put my career on hold for her. But where does that leave us?Has anyone been in similar situations? We are at a cross-roads and unsure where to do and both of us seem unwilling to budge.
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female
reader, 1ConfusedChick  +, writes (31 October 2012):
My boyfriend and I went through a similar situation. He owns a home and I own a home. Mine is about 2x the size if his and in a more central location yet he wanted me to sell my place and move in with him. Said because my place would never feel like it was his too...even though I was ready to share half off all of the space and even move things into storage to make room for his things. Not good enough. But the way I explained it was that this home is my security and stability and until he was ready to get married and offer that to me, there is no way I'm leaving it behind to just live together. We're not kids, making smart financial decisions is something you should love her more for, not hold against her. Yours is easier, you don't own a home, so if you love her and you don't move for your job; do yourself a favor and move into her place and pay an agreeable portion for a share of your space in the house ;-). Luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): I'm in sort of a similar situation, been in a relationship for over 2 years, we both have our own home. He wants me to be the one to sell & move in with him. My home is paid off, his isn't. He won't move my way, doesn't like the area, so we are at a stand still.
In your case, lets say she pays $1000 a mth to live there & you move in & feel you should only have to pay $80 towards electric, that isn't fair. If you rent an apartment, you have rent on top of the utilities, this really isn't different.
Or pay all the utilities & she pays the mortgage. Come to something that is more fair for the two of you. Because if you do move in & only pay half the electric, trust me on this, she will resent you & your relationship won't last.
Take care & good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 I don't understand why you'd want to live at hers without paying anythig else than half electricity. Because the house is not yours ?... But also if you'd rent somewhere else, the house would not belong to you ,and you'd still be paying for rent and utilities and your food.. And if you and your gf would move out and rent together , you'd be splitting costs - exactly halfway, or according to any other agreement you'd had mutually agreed ,- yet I don't think you'd be cool with her saying, " I buy toilet paper, you pay all the rest ".
You may not like her solution, but IMO it makes perfect sense. After all, it's not that she wants to hold on to this house forever, just for a few years until she can make at least some money back.
Anyway, that's sort of a moot point, if your career is taking you somewhere else, and she does not want to follow you ,leave her job and start all over in a new place.
That's a more momentous choice , it's not just a real estate choice, it's a choice between love and career. I don't think that we can give you any advice based on your short post and not knowing anything of your past, personality and current r/ship.
Does this girl feel like " the one ", like someone you can't let get away, or you could move on relatively easily ? Are you a very driven ambitious person that feels mostly realized in his work, or are you a more laid back temperament that puts personal life first ?. Etc. etc. These are questions that only you can answer, and I don't doubt it must be a very difficult choice. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): I can totally understand her wanting more than just half electricity, if you're moving in then just because your her bf doesn't mean you live rent free. You wouldn't rent together and you pay everything while she just pays for half the shopping or similar so why expect that just because its her house?
If you were to move with her why not have a lawyer draw up an agreement where whatever deposit and mortgage payments she's made already are forever her share, but the money you give her every month goes into giving you a share in the house. Therefore when the house is sold you have your share of the money, although she is obviously entitled to more because she has put more into the house. Then even if you split up legally she has to pay back your money in order to buy you out of the house again.
A member of my family has done this with a friend and its working out great, as the person living with them knows their money isn't being wasted just renting.
If you career choice is taking you to another place, she probably won't want to go because she has a house and career already, she is settled in her life. If staying where you are is going to leave you forever thinking "what if..." Then I would suggest you have to follow your dreams and see if your relationship can work long distance while you try and make a career elsewhere.
There are lots of option for you both and really you are going to have to sit down and have a chat together and see if your ideas match up. We can't give you a fool proof solution if you and your gf want different things. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): I see your gf's point of view. This is her home and her security. To sell and buy somewhere with you, changes her financial situation enormously, and unless there is permanency in your relationship, it would not be wise to buy a house together. If you don't live with her, she could get a boarder in and get income, so you living with her, is an opportunity cost, which you should cover. If you live anywhere else, you would have to pay rent/mortgage, so why would you live there rent free while she covers the mortgage? If you can't afford it, that may be a different story, but since you can....You could invest your money in a place and earn rent while you live in her home. With regards to you moving interstate, that is a decision you both need to work on together. If you do need to move for work, you need to decide if that is more important than staying close to your gf, and she needs to decide if staying in her home is more important than following you and being with you. Moving interstate is a new part of your relationship and not something your gf necessarily bought into.Does your gf have children? Even more reason for her to feel she has security. There is no guarantee you will stay in her life, so she has to work with a plan with that in mind.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 Hi
I can see her point about not wanting to sell yet,she will want to make a profit and its her security a major investment. If you moved in it wouldn't be that situation forever eventually you could buy one together when she did sell. As for what you pay her,the best way is to agree one sum which includes rent bills etc as wherever YOU lived you would have to pay these anyway.I can see she would gain financially from this and the house would be in her name so if you split up you would I imagine be left with nothing.Have you discussed marriage?
If you get the chance to move interstate then take it if it furthers your career, you can always have a LDR and if you two are strong it will survive. If it isn't then you have the chance of a fresh start.
Or you could stay put and buy your own place,which would mean you have a home and could sell eventually and buy one with her.
It all depends on how strong your relationship is and what your priorities are with regard to money,work v relationship.It has to be 2 way though a compramise for anything to work.
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