A
male
age
41-50,
*ydoggy
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half now, and just recently have been realizing the magnitude of her relationship with her male friend.He is living in North Carolina and we are in Arizona. They have been friends longer than we have been dating, but it is coming to a point where I want to take the relationship to the next level, but the only thing is I'm not sure that this is wise due to being unsure just how close she really is to this guy. She talks to him every day, she texts him every day, even sometimes when we are hanging out, they make it a point to talk on the phone every other day. I have expressed that it bothers me she texts him when we are hanging out, and she has stopped doing it so much, but she still does every now and then.Just recently I was going to post on her facebook wall, and saw a message she had sent to him saying "Where are you I need my Michael time." I have asked her about it and she said it doesn't mean anything. She said My heart is with you. But I wonder if her heart is with me then why does she need to talk to this guy so much, because the moment I knew I was in love I stopped having frequent contact with all the girls of the opposite sex that I'm friends with, and never even talked to them every other day.I have talked to her about how the frequency in which they talk bothers me and I don't understand why she and him talk so much. She just said she can tell him anything, and they are just good friends. jokingly before we were serious and even after we got serious she had, "in an open relationship" on her facebook, she did it as a joke saying that her and him were. I asked her about it and she said it was a joke.I talked to her about all of this and she just said they are just friends, that she loves me, and that I shouldn't worry about it. She isn't going to stop talking to him as much, she isn't going to do a thing about it, she basically just said deal with it in a nice way. She asked me how I am going to react when he comes to visit? I said I am going to be very uncomfortable, and I have no idea. I told her that I don't feel the need to be that close to any other girls because she was fulfilling enough for me not to have the need for so much contact with the opposite sex. Now i have friends that are girls, but I would never talk to them as much as she does him. She isn't willing to do anything about it, and it makes me wonder if when she says she loves me, does she really? I don't know what to do, but I don't think I can go on knowing that she isn't willing to do anything about this, and knowing how I feel. I'm not jealous, but I am just bummed because i couldn't see myself talking to another girl that much because I am in love with her, but she doesn't have the same view as me. I NEED ADVICE
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): The thing is as a man it is only natural to feel threatened. Obviously a girl and a guy can't just be friends there has to be something else going on. Many girls have gay best friends and they act like this, would you still feel threatened then? Of course not because you know the guy won't make a play on your girl. Look it is what it is, a friendship, to be fair they were friends before you, it is unrealistic to expect her to drop him for you. Yes it might seem unreasonable for you that they talk on the phone, or text each other or write on facebook but hey, she's with you aint she? Dont spoil a good thing by airing the green eyed monster. Be cool, she's your chick, embrace it and trust her, if she misearns (yes it's not a word) that trust then thats on her but until then..if ever just roll with it. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): I have a friend that I'm very close to and he's of the opposite sex and also an ex of mine! He and I dated for a year in my first year of high school. Since then, I've had two serious relationships...one that lasted two years and one that I'm currently in. My friend, let's call him M, means nothing to me in a romantic way. Even when M and I dated, I barely felt any romantic feelings for him, but he has always been a best friend to me. In my two year relationship, I'd talk to M almost as much as your girlfriend talks to her guy friend. I mean, maybe we'd go a week without contact, but we'd definitely keep in frequent touch. It made my boyfriend uncomfortable, but he ended up being okay with it in the end...even became close to him in the end of the relationship.Now my current boyfriend, he has a problem with M and my friendship. He thinks that I have feelings for him, which I really don't. I'm completely head over heels for my boyfriend. I still talk to M, but admittedly not as much as I used to because both M and me are in relationships and dedicate a lot of time to our significant others. Even though I don't talk to him as much, if I could, I would, and it has nothing to do with how I feel for my boyfriend. He can't understand that, especially because M is an ex of mine, but it's absolutely true. M has and always will be a best friend of mine who understands me more than most people have. He and I dated at such critical parts in our lives that helped us figure out who we were, so we're just naturally close. And even though I used to think he was hot, I don't even think he's cute anymore, I have no desire to rekindle any sort of relationship with him...there's nothing sexual or emotional there! He is just a friend!It's possible that she is in the same situation. I mean, I completely understand why my boyfriend or you would be jealous of a friendship like this, but if she tells you there is nothing to worry about, I say believe her.Good luck. It takes a lot of trust. Try to build it with her.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (11 February 2011):
 hmmmm what if this michael guy lived in arizona?
would they want to date?
are they only online friends?
what's the deal?
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A
male
reader, rydoggy +, writes (11 February 2011):
rydoggy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I am still friends with the girls, but you must have misunderstood. I don't talk to them every other day. If you don't see something weird about that then you should not be giving advice to anyone. Thanks to rest of you, your answers were very helpful.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (11 February 2011):
You say "...because the moment I knew I was in love I stopped having frequent contact with all the girls of the opposite sex that I'm friends with..."If that's truth your friendship whit these girls wasn't a real friendship. Was it? If your have girl friends that means there is no further interest in them. Why would you new relationship have to interfere with friendships in general?About what you asked. You will never know for sure if she loves you when she tells you that she loves you. Nobody knows. All you can do is to trust or not to trust her. And you have a little problem here with that super-close friendship.But in the end she already told you "deal with it". Now it's your turn to chose I guess. She have already chosen to keep being that close to him. If you can't stand it you will have to broke up.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (11 February 2011):
I'm cool with the girls I'm dating having guy friends that they hang out with, but to me this sounds over the line. It is too close.
However, you've brought it up and she has drawn a line in the sand. You have to decide if you can accept this relationship they have, or if it is a deal breaker for you.
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I would say ignore it, it will go away over time. If she wanted to be with him she would have by now, but she choose you instead. I understand that it's annoying and you are right by try to maintain your coolness.
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