A
female
age
41-50,
*ushroom84
writes:My situation is complicated. Firstly I'm married. But unhappily and am on the brink of potentially leaving my husband. My husband knows. Have seen counsellors. The likelihood of me leaving him is high. Meanwhile over the past year I started working with a guy. We are both musicians and we work together performing at events. We are very good working together and there is a strong chemistry between us. For me, because of my weak marriage, I began to fall for my musician colleague/friend. He is loving, caring, sensitive, romantic, cheeky, flirty, talented. I am physically and emotionally attracted to him. From the start there was sexual tension between us. About a few months ago I told him how I felt. Maybe this was wrong. But it's too late now. When I told him, he started having lustful thoughts about me. But he told me that he doesn't feel the same way I do romantically. The sexual tension built and he started flirting with me. About a few weeks ago we slept together. Yes it was wrong. Yes we regret doing it. He said that he tried to start 'feeling' something for me, but he couldn't. He did it because he couldn't take the sexual tension and he wanted to make me feel better. He cares and loves me as a friend and was torn up to see me hurting so much. In a messed up way, he thought doing that would make me feel better - but it was also because he got tired of saying 'no' to the sexual tension. We won't sleep together again. It was wrong and only served to hurt me more.He says that I am: hot, attractive, a beautiful person inside, we are great friends and that I 'understand him really well more than most people', we work great together. And yet he doesn't feel romantic love for me. There are some things about me he doesn't like: I am 6 years older than him, we are too similar in personality and he sees this as an issue I think; I go to church and though he's also a Christian, he doesn't want to go out with a girl who goes to church; and he won't tell me what else because he thinks it will hurt me too much. He wants to love me like I love him, but he can't right now. More background: he is 30, never had a girlfriend because he hasn't found the right girl. I just want to know if anyone has gone through something similar. Is there hope for us, or should I just move on? It just seems like there is so much potential in the two of us, but he doesn't see it and it frustrates me.I am at the point where I want to know everything he doesn't like about me - and am willing to change these things just to please him. I know this is not right, but I am so hurt and want him so much.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 you are putting the cart before the horse honey.
first thing you need to do is clean house. Figure out what's going on with your marriage... either fix it or end it.
He told you he does not see you as more than a friend and a distraction. He "wants" to feel more but he can't unless you become what he wants. and even then he may not. You can't control who you love or why only what you do with your behavior.
do not change to please him. I've done that for my husband and when we fight i throw those things in his face even if I'm pleased about the changes I've made...
FWIW when my husband and I started seeing each other it was fun and games and i was married to a different man (not an affair, my husband knew and blessed our being together) I did not WANT to love my then boy toy... (i'm 13 years older) and I fought it tooth and nail.
The first time I told him I loved him I said "damn you to hell" now that means "i love you" in our house.... and I can't tell you for sure if he loved me first or if I loved him first as we both DID NOT WANT IT.
the problem here is YOU WANT it really badly and he does not.
if he was not around would you be so sure you were leaving your marriage?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): You need to make a decision... let me help you...you need to file for divorce. If you loved and honored your husband to be faithful and loyal to him and were really working on your marriage, you would not have made the choice to cheat on him. I can't quite blame the guy you cheated with for not wanting a church going women because if your faith was real and strong, you also would not have made the choice you made. I suppose these are just excuses for him to realize he doesn't want to be with a women who will step out on a relationship/marriage when things get challenging and he already made a choice to get involved with a married women. You are both in the wrong.The last thing you should do is jump into something with another man. You have a lot of things to sort out in your life instead of dragging a man down with how you deal with things. You need solo counceling to work on yourself before couples counceling will have any impact or make any sense to save a marriage.Yes, I am being hard on you because you need someone to tell you straight. What you are looking for is someone who can relate and give you some kind of validation for your choices. And that would only be able to come from someone else who made the same choices and has the same kind of excuses and blame. There are no justifications for cheating on your partner. But it sure is an easy choice instead of dealing with the problems head on or doing the right thing and ending the current relationship before starting another.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 I think this man is just a distraction from your failing marriage, and your priorities are all wrong - you need to get out of your marriage first and spend some time being single before you could even consider dating again.
It sounds like this other man has made it crystal clear that he doesnt have any feelings for you other than sexual attraction, yet you are ignoring this becauase you are so unhappy in your marriage and you are desperate to find someone to love you. You are conjuring up images of love and relationships in your head with this other man because you are so unhappy at home that you need to take your mind off it.
So what you need to do is let go of this other man, he doesnt want a relationship with you so that's the end of it. You cant force him to see the dreams that are in your head, and chances are these dreams you have are nonsense anyway fuelled by your unhappiness in your marriage.
You have already cheated and you have said yourself you tried everything in your marriage but it still isnt working - so call it a day and leave. There is no point in flogging a dead horse, neither of you can be happy in this situation so do the right thing and end the marriage. You have already destroyed all of your marriage vows, there really isnt anything left to work on anymore and the marriage is over.
Once you have left your husband take some time out to be single again, I presume you have been married for a while so I'm sure you will have changed massively as a person since the last time you were single and the person you are now. Take some time out to learn about yourself, enjoy being single, get to know yourself as a single woman and re-build your life following the end of your marriage. Jumping from one relationship to another never works, you will just drag the baggage from your marriage from one relationship to the next.
As time goes on when you get comfortable with being alone again then you will see that this other guy isnt right for you either, and that he was just a distraction from reality when you were going through a bad time in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Dont waste your time, he can tell all the things you want to hear till you are blue in the face at the end of teh day it was just sex for him and he is not into you.
Get a divorce and move on with your as you are wasting your time analysing why he does not feel the same as you.
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