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*ickN182
writes: Hello. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend back in December to date a new girl i know from work. It was not a clean break on my part with my ex and if i am being honest i liked the security she was offering me by wanting to stay and sort things out, i realise how selfish i was being now. The new girl was not as stable as my ex but as i really liked her. Things finally came to head a few weeks back and i basically told my ex that i am moving on and so should she.I have got myself 100% committed to my new girl however she has an eating disorder (bulimia) and is on anti depressents which i knew about but i want to help her through it. We have been seeing each other less and less recently with her claiming she needs to sort herself out and wants time apart. I could understand this but she goes out with her mates a lot and when it comes to spending time with me i get blown out, forgotten or she is too tired. My problem is that i cannot tell her that i find it difficult to give her space as she throws all the ex saga back in my face but i really want to move past that and have a proper relationship.I have told her that i have so many positive things to offer and that surely for someone who is depressed they need all the love and support they can get but it is not happening. I am tired of being treated like something she just picks up when she needs it (karma i guess for how i treated my ex). She says it is not like that and that she needs time apart to get herself sorted out but she is constantly moving the goalposts. First its 'We will see each other twice a week' then 'Once a week' and now its not at all. She is calling all the shots and see's her mates when she feels like it but i am bottom of the list. I told her how down it makes me feel and that i want to be there to help her through this but all i get is 'I need to sort myself out'. Sorry for the long post, any thoughts are appreciated.
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reader, NickN182 +, writes (19 October 2006):
NickN182 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, just thought i would give you an update on the situation. One thing i forgot to mention is that i work with this girl but she is leaving sometime soon! Anyway she came up to me on Monday and started going on about how she misses me and was hasty in her decision to have time alone and all that jazz. I was very cautious about this as it kind of came out of no-where but we had a little discussion and she said " We'll meet up tonight for a drink and talk about whats going to happen". Fair enough. Anyway i get a call in the evening saying can she cancel as there is some big emergency with one of her mates so she will call me later. So i get the call later but its late so she says "I'll call you tomorrow" and i said "fine". Did she call? No.
I spoke to her today about it all and she starts back-tracking with things like "I forgot to call you" "I'm not sure what i want" "I am worried you are going to (and i quote) BLAND ME OUT". She then try's to pin the fact she didn't call me because of my cautious reaction on Monday even though she 'forgot'. Then i get the whole "I still have feelings for you" routine, and "I just need time" and when i start telling her how i feel and that she is treating me badly she says "I don't need any more stress right now".
It's so difficult when you have feelings for someone and you know you should tell them to get lost but you cannot. I was always one of those people who said 'I would not put up with that' but it's amazing what you are prepared to go through when you want something bad enough. Any thoughts?
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (29 September 2006):
 From what you've recently posted I actually would start to agree that you need to give up on her and move onto someone that can give you the love back that you give out, we all make mistakes in our life and most of us use them as a learning curve like you seem to have and realise what you need to give into a relationship and there are alot of girls out there that would love a guy like you to love and have love them.
I'm sorry to say but I am starting to feel that maybe she is using her problems as an excuse to treat you this way and being as at the beginning of the relationship you played a silly and dangerous game with peoples feelings you can spot when someone is doing the same with you.
Good luck, keep me posted :o)
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male
reader, NickN182 +, writes (28 September 2006):
NickN182 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input guy's. Just to respond to a few issues raised-
I wanted to be with her regardless of her condition however her lack of concern or interest in my happiness is/was making me miserable. I seem to have spent all my time worrying about whether she actually wants to see me or not. I felt a bit like a crutch to support her when she needed it and when she didn't i was easily dismissed.
Karma? Probably. I think the difference is that i can see so clearly now that what i did was not acceptable. I have held my hands up to it and admitted i was wrong and i am willing to put it right. When i said to her how upset it was making me that she continually blows me out for the most stupid of reasons she really just makes excuses, shrugs her shoulders and i have to take it.
I think she thinks that she has free reign to do as she pleases and i have no right to get upset or complain. I made a lot of mistakes but i don't need to be continually punished or cast aside. I wanted a 50/50 relationship and had so much time and energy to put into it but in the end i think she is simply not right for me or for what i wanted.
It's been a couple of days since we last spoke. I think if she had wanted it as badly as i did then i would have heard something by now. However i refuse to give in to her idea of me just waiting for her to sort herself out without me. I could end up waiting forever. When we last spoke she was telling me how the anti-depressents will start working in a couple of weeks and then everything will be better. I told her she was a fool if she believed they are some miracle cure and that i was not going to be left hanging on for something that may never happen.
And that is how it is right now. I think, as Lostandalone pointed out, that i learn from my experience, pick myself up, dust myself down and go and find someone else who is interested in not only a proper relationship but one based on mutual trust and respect.
Thanks guys.
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (27 September 2006):
I know someone with depression and as the depression got worse they went from wanting support and love from everyone to just shutting themselves away from all the important things in their life and starting just doing things that they could use to forget the problems, ie. going out drinking, socialising with their mates, so this could possibly not be anything to worry about with your relationship but just with something she needs to do or is doing without realising what or why just that she needs to.
Just give her the space and time she needs and be there when she needs you.
I hope this helps in some way :o)
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (27 September 2006):
 You're right. I think it is Karma. Look how you're being treated. You treated your ex like this and were did it end up. Learn from your own experience is my advice. No matter what problems she has, you helping her thru it is not your reasoning for wanting to be there. If she didn't have one problem and was treating you like this you would still be there. Like I said "LEARN FROM YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE" Good Luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): Yes she has been diagnosed as having bulimia and depression. To be honest i was not aware of this when the whole situation first started. It just seems that now i am trying to give her what she finally wants (a proper loving relationship) i have been thrown to the bottom of the pile as she has time for everything else except us and how its making me feel. The way it is right now though is that it is off completely.
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reader, fallenman  +, writes (27 September 2006):
 Has she been medically diagnosed as suffering Bulimia and depression? If so unless you are a trained psychotheraptist you will not have a lot of success. Bulimia can point to deep psychological problems and may been responible for the depression too. Given that this may or may not be true, the behavour of your girl friend points to the typical control issues associated with Bulimia or some other psycholigical disorder.
You could also check out why you are attracted by this type of person.
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male
reader, NickN182 +, writes (27 September 2006):
NickN182 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks for the reply sexylinz.
I agree with what you are saying but like i said she has time to do everything else and see everyone else but when it seems that when it comes to me she just cannot be bothered. I would have thought she would want the love and support i am offering, now more than ever.
She is (was) always saying 'we will go here, do this, do that etc' (even over the weekend she was saying all these things we could do)but when it came down to it she either cannot be bothered, forgets or decides she has something else to do.
I told her that it was making me miserable and she has time for everything else except me so currently all bets are off with her. Im just so fed up with it. All i want is a proper adult relationship!
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reader, sexylinz +, writes (27 September 2006):
 hey.
the only advice i can really offer you is to give her the time and space that she needs but let her know that if she needs you, you will be there for you.
that is the only thing you can do really untill she is willing to accept the support that you are offering her. if you push her in to spending more time with you and confide in you she will at most begin to resent you and push you further away.
so the best thing for you to do is just to let her know that you are there for her and then sit back and wait for her to come to you.
once she is ready she will come to you and confide in you. but you have to give her the chance to realise that she can trust you and there for come to you with her problems.
good luck x
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