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anonymous
writes:LONG BUT I AM DESPERATE FOR ADVICEHi there, I am in a right old mess. I was with my gf for four years, lived together for much of it. We had usual ups and downs and had a baby last Xmas. Our ups and downs took a toll on her and her feelings changed. But we fixed the problems when I realised I was the one causing the problems and got on great from not long after baby was born. I changed (not that I was a bad guy, just we argued a lot due to me thinking I NEEDED her rather than just desired her and put too much pressure on her which she couldn’t live up to), and really changed and became a great dad, supportive and loving and devoted partner etc but her feelings were not coming back. After a few months of me being attentive and stuff, she eventually began responding, holding my hand, telling me she loved me, looking to future etc, and we began to have sex again THEN disaster, one night when out with friends she got off with someone else. I found out two days later and she was sorry but had enough of us, couldn’t live with this "missing thing" and so we broke up. I guess she had wanted to for a while but was too scared to and this made it easier to do it, brought it all to a head.I begged, pleaded, reasoned for our baby etc and pushed her further away and she moved out to her mums. I then read stuff about how that pushes someone away and you need to do the reverse of what you are doing to bring someone back, and stopped and chilled out, looked more at fixing myself rather than US. It was only a week but I was doing the unexpected, I was moving on, acting cool, accepting it and she came back as it was “better being at our home with baby until she found somewhere permanent as her mums was too smoky and small” First two weeks we were under same roof doing out own thing, her finding excuses to go out with baby a lot – mates, brothers, friends BBQ’s, (she was still contacting lad she kissed, he not live local but he came down a couple times to see her and she was texting him all the time. I have access to her online itemised bill). I started to see someone else on the quiet (as suggested by all books on bringing back your lost love to make them see your positive and attractive side) and that got her jealous and she kept going on about it. I said what the books said to say one night, "this isn’t what I wanted, but it is what it is, I am happy within myself and it has worked for best but it is the opposite of what I want."She said, "do something about it....we still so attracted to each other....it not happened for the best for our baby....maybe one day we will find each other again....blah blah" I agreed, but also reinforced I didn’t need her and it was for the best to make me a better person (what it has)Anyway, since then I floated out one night the suggestion that maybe I could do something to change our situation and she said it was too soon, the past was still to close etc. I kept it simple and no pressure, just relaxed but she had stopped seeing matey, stopped texting, which all suddenly died Now she not going out but is in the house nearly all the time when I am and we live together, sleep in same bed etc but not as partners. We get on great, I put no pressure on, just enjoy life, we do stuff together, she stays in a lot, we cuddle up on sofa and in bed, hold hands (I initiate but she not mind), have fun, have a laugh, I give her a massage in bed, kiss her goodbye when I go to work and goodnight when I get into bed etc and get on great and like we always should of but she is still gonna move out.Now we are living together as I said, but she will move out. But I am not sure if how we are getting on is a case of her needing more time for attraction and want to come back and longer to believe it could work and lose her walls and if it is all rebuilding slowly or if it just a case of her glad I accept things, am not being pathetic, that we are best mates now, get on great, always will and she thinks this makes an easier life til she finds somewhere else.It is hard cos it almost like we a couple, but she and I are free to do what we want, aren’t answerable, best of both worlds I guess. The thing is, I have done some real self thinking and know and feel some great stuff to do with perceptions, controlling feelings, realising about thinking you need when you don’t and that causing pressure and problems in myself, how fear projects and works your actions what cause your fears to come true etc. It would actually work this time, but I cannot tell her, I am trying to show her by just being me and how I am and hoping she sees it. I don’t want things to end though, and don’t know what is really going on. What do you think is happening? What should I do? Should I just maintain, should I pull away to make her realise, should I say something, should I give it time and see what happens. Thanks for reading my essay, hopefully enough of you read it to reply
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for that last bit of advice, and i think you are right. I shall have to start to let go for myself but hope will not extinguish. I do believe it is meant to be but you have to lost in order to win.I had to lose her in order to become who i have been becoming what is someone better equipped to be in a relationship and to make it work. SO i lost, but that will cause me to win as future relationships will be better for the experience and what this heartbreak has caused. I hope that this turns out to be with her, i will always hope that, but will step back and let her decide that for herself. I will concentrate more on myself, and if she feels someday that she wants me again, i am sure she will let me know. Maybe she will do just that, but it will be too late
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reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (27 September 2006):
 Well to answer your last question. I think it is over. I think you changing is a good start FOR YOU and I think that you and her doing the things that you do is confusing for you. I am going thru the exact same thing. Basically, I figured it out. She doesn't want to be with you she just doesn't know how to let go. You are a safety net for her emotions. Every person wants affection and love, to be cared for in some manner. You are the person she feels closest to because you have a history and she is comfortable with you. You can fool yourself into believing that this situation shows you are compatible and your personalities fit (and they just might) but thats not what she wants. She will move out and she will continue to love you and she will find someone else and she will further break your heart. Its the inevitable. She may come back and she may not. The thing you're doing is holding on to hope. She is being a bit selfish in her need to feel loved that she can't see how its affecting you and you seem to be content with it so why should she change it. You can read a library of books but nothing will change human nature. If it aint broke don't fix it. Meaning that if things are like she wants them then why should she be in a relationship with you. She gets all the love and affection from a relationship without the commitment. Irish's advice was very good and well put but until someone tells you that what you are doing is right you're not going to be happy. Continue to improve yourself and changing for the betterment of you but I think right now you are putting her feelings first and not your own. You have a child and that leaves you the excuse to continue with this behaviour. If you didn't have a child you would do the exact same thing. You don't have to manipulate and conive to make someone be with you. They must lose and really lose you to realize what it is that they have. She never lost you, you just took a leave. She can have you anytime she wants and she knows that. You have to move on, if not for you for her because you are making this more painful for yourself. If she wants you then trust me she will tell you and she will show you. Stop, pretending that you are healed and heal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionright, firstly, i did move on, and she came back. We were dead in the water and now she is in the house, we are getting on great, she even suggested sorting it out, spoke of attraction to me etc, I have not posted in over a month, i have kicked back, chilled, worried about myself not her, realised i am in control of my own happiness not anyone else and feel better internally than i have for years if not ever.BUT BUT BUT i would like this relationship to work out, this time we have been spending together shows how well suited we are as personalities, and as for the "move on" stuff, we have a baby together and just because a million people split up when they have kids doesnt make it right.It is always better for a child if the parents are raising it together, with love in a stable home enviorment - only if the parents are still in a good relationship themselves.So no i will not throw in towel if there is a chance that we can achieve that which is better for all of us especially the emotional and mental growing stability of our son. If we cannot achieve it, then it is best we split for ALL our sakes, BUT i was here seeing what people thought of the situation, how we are getting on and what people may think it suggests about how she feels. If it suggests i am getting there, i have to carry on for all our sakes. I will only throw in towel if it is truly over and do you really think the current situation sounds like it is dead in the water to you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): In other words you dont want to hear what Irish had to say because it wasnt want you wanted to hear. Bradbrit Time to move on mate.. This has been dusted up so many times and you cant get past it... let her move out, and then get back to normality. You so cant keep doing to this to yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni did read it and take some bits out of it, i apologise if my reply was not appreciative enough, i guess it is impossible to actually accuretly explain a situation
I was as i said trying to find out what anyone thought her actions meant for me to decide what to do next.
Is she wanting it, needing time, do her actions suggest she wants me to sort it, or to leave it a bit longer, or are her actions those of someone moving on, or actions of someone who still has feelings.
I promise i am grateful, but i really do know what to do when i work out what is going on. I have plans or ideas rather on the correct action to take depending on what is going on, and cant ask her as i have learnt that is not the key.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): I am not confused dear nor do I pretend to know a lot about psychology. I stand by my posting whether you accept it or not. You posted a very long essay as you put it. I took time to read it. You need to know it's a hit or miss deal, taking one's time to read, decipher and help people's with their problems. Some people need to learn a bit more about being unselfish and displaying some graciousness..I see. I truely hope someone out there can give you the answers you seek. Just make sure, from now on, you show appreciation for the time they have taken to offering you some advice, whether it's helpful or not. And if you don't always appreciate or agree with what they say..then be mature and choose not to respond. Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat stuff, except you seem to have read it that we are still together, when we are not. We are living in the same house, sharing a bed, doing stuff together, but are still split up, she is still going to move out when she finds somewhere.
You seem to be confused here, i am trying to find out if we are slowly rebuilding stuff, or if we are just great mates now and no, i cannot ask her, if you know anything about physcology, you know that the worse thing i can do is ask. If she needs more time to decide she wants to try again, asking will push her away.
I am after thoughts on what others opinions are on her actions and how things are - does she want it, if she just making an easy life, is she getting over issues, does she need more time etc.
As for making things work long term, I have read so many books, done some internal work, thought, changed my beliefs, desires, expectations and outlook so much that it would work if we did end up trying again. I have no doubt about that as i am not the idiot that screwed it up anymore, but a much more centred and grounded and real person now.
I thank you for the response anyway, just not what i was looking for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): It sounds like you have forgiven for her past indiscretion..it sounds like you really want to make a go of this. It's plain to see you love her and this baby. A major factor in this problem is that your gf apparently sees no problem with this situation.. She seems content but you want more from this. Changing long-term core issues is difficult, even when the changing person desperately longs for things to be different. Your gf has no interest or motivation for the changes that you want. Plainly put, your encouragement to change is of little use. So you two are just 'spinning your wheels' here.
Start talking. You have a family. You are going to need to mediate a place of comfort for yourself with respect to having a balanced relationship with your gf. A place that meets some of both of your needs instead of one of you or both of you eventually giving up and walking away, like what has happened in the past. Your child needs both of you to work hard and put in the efforts. Try responding positively and proactively to this situation. Just take yourself out of this useless game and start facing your fears and begin communicating with her... from your heart. Tell her exactly what you want. Couples get lost in relationships-that just happens. But through mature, calm communication, they manage to to get it together. Your child should have a home with a Mother and Father who love and respect each other. Your gf doesn't need to be flitting around from place to place with a baby in tow. It's time to realize, that to be a successful couple, you and she will need to both learn how to handle your differences. How you learn to do this, will set the tone for your relationship in the future. Dear, relationships take hard work and it constant nuturing. It is a life-long process and one just keep plugging away at it.
Make a decision with her and stick to it. Either commit and grow as a couple or...maybe one of you has to move on. But no matter what happens, you are still obligated to help her raise that child. This woman will be a part of your life, irregardless of whether you stay together or not. I strongly suggest some couple counselling to find out how you both can get unstuck, here. The longer this goes on...the more you will feel resentful because you are not getting out of this relationship, what you want. And that is... to share an equally sharing, loving relationship with her.
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