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male
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*llyh
writes: Hi there. I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years. We've been engaged for about 5. In February I found out she had slept with a guy from her work. I've since found out the lad has done this to a number of girls who work at the hospital where they work. We've split at the moment, but I love her so much, I don't know if we should get back together or not. She says she wants to. Says it was a mistake, but then tells me she needs time alone. My heart is breaking. The worst feeling isn't the sex, but the betrayal, the deciet and lies. I don't know if I can forgive. When we meet up to talk, I try so hard, but feel it's all one way. I haven't slept now for 4 nights and haven't been to work for 3 weeks.Should I take her back?Should I give her time? (I feel why is she hurting? I'm the one who was cheated on).Will it be easier to forget in time?Should I just move on.I feel that she was the one. We've know each other since we were little.Thanks for any help - I really need it
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engaged, get back together, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (9 March 2006):
 Ahh, I do understand you, its funny about this site, you know as your getting your 'withdrawel symptons' you can keep posting questions, I find it extremely helpful to answer the questions, when you hear about so many other people in the situations, it makes you stronger....
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male
reader, allyh +, writes (9 March 2006):
allyh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dark_Storm11She didn't know this lad had done it with others. She seemed gutted when her boss told her the lad denied ever doing it, and simply refused to believe the lad would ever have done the same thing with her friends, and again seemed mortified when they came forward and told her they had. I feel that we're slipping apart over this. She's now given up here job and moved back to her family. She told me it was over basically before I found out, but don't know if that's true. Afterall, that's what you would say isn't it if you're found out? I feel so hurt, and it feels even worse because she's staying away, but telling me she wants time.Posting on this site I feel is one of the best things I've done, and your reply means a lot to me.Thank youAlastair x
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male
reader, allyh +, writes (9 March 2006):
allyh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Sexybum for your reply. Everything you say is right, I'm just lost and feel in limbo during this phase.Thankyou once again for replying, you make perfect sense. Deep down I already knew everything you've said, it's just hard for me to admit that I need time and also to be alone for the first time in a very long while. Guess I'll give the Doctor a ring - That's one thing I wouldn't have done without your reply, thanks x
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female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (9 March 2006):
Honey, I know how you feel cause I just found out my boyfriend cheated and has been cheating on me. I wasn't in a relationship for as long as you. But from reading your letter I just have to say something to you.I'm sorry you feel like this. Its the most dreadful feeling, it sounds like you are depressed and I think you should go to the docter and discuss this.
Let me just say, even if you ever forgive her and want her back, you will NOT be READY to take her back until you recouperate yourself..
You are perfectly in right in saying, 'what is her problem, she's the one who cheated' and has caused you pain, Don't let her double this back on you. I've noticed that guilty parties often try to do this, I think they reckon it will make their deceitful behaviour somehow more acceptable. Sounds like she is playing the victim instead of taking responsibilites for her behaviour.
Right now, at this moment in time, you need to prioritise. I would put the relationship (for now) to the back of your list of prioroties. You really need to concentrate on yourself at the moment and deal with your emotions. Until you've done that, you won't be able to judge properly if you want this relationship or not. I know you are hurting, but I really think that if you go back right now, before you've dealt with your own emotions, you'll end up feeling like a doormat and unhappy. I was with a compulsive cheater and kept going back to him for security. I got exactly the opposite.
Like I said first of all deal with your depression. Then you really need to work on getting back to work and also build up your life with hobbies and friends. Get yourself a social life without this girl. I don't mean it in a nasty way, I mean when you've done that you will have the confidence and ability to then decide if you want to give the girl another chance or not....
Chin up sweetie x
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A
female
reader, Dark_Storm11 +, writes (9 March 2006):
 Oh hunni,i feel for you, Ive been cheated on before.I believe that your girlfriend needs time because she is hurting too. I know this sounds strange but i think she feels in regret, you two have been together for ages and she ruined it.Also does your girlfriend know that this lad she slept with has done this to a few of the girls, i think she feels used if she knows this, obviously she didnt know this before she slept with him (i hope) and now shes found it out she realises that there is no future with this lad, (thats if she wanted one) and in a way shes been cheated on too coz this lad didnt tell her.She needs time to come around, She wont want to lose another person in the midst of this.Relationships are made up of different things: love, happiness, commitment and others, but the most important is TRUST.If you cant forgive her theres no point in getting back together, you'll only be messing her around and fooling yourself, and there will be a break-up that is worse. I know you cant forgive now, but take up a hobby, move away from your girlfriend and try to stop seeing her, this will give you both a break to sort yourselfs out. When my ex cheating on me and left me i took up horse-riding, you forget everything in the world and concentrate on what your doing, I found this method a lot easier to forget my ex and eventually forgive.In time either if you are back with her or not, it will become a memory that you learn by. Please dont let this put you off girls, we're not all like that promise! Im sure that you will find the "one," Im still waiting, and im glad i have, I think its quite sad when i see my friends getting messed around and upset because of a petty argument, I'd rather spend a quite evening with my horse!!!Anyway, getting back to the subject, I think you should take some time to breathe, get some sleep, (if you cant sleep, see your GP for sleeping pills, or alternativly buy some from health shops. (This is advise, if you experiance any problems whilest undergoing medication i am not responsible!)When you feel better try to go to work, i know its the last thing you want to do, but spend the money you earn on a treat for yourself, like a well derserved break or something, so you know you have got a goal to aim for.Please let me no if i have helped you, I know your hurting now but things happen for a reason, and something good will come out of it.Take Care sweetpea, Dark_Storm11 xxx
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