A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem, and it is becoming more noticeable with each relationship I have. The last 3 boyfriends of mine have put on significant amounts of weight. I am talking about 30-40 pounds. Not muscle, pure fat. I want to know what I can do to prevent this from happening in my next relationship? I am a thin girl and eat in moderation especially when it comes to fast food. It does not take much to make me feel full. I have noticed these men sort of just let themselves go when they are with me. They stop dressing up, fixing their hair, their hygiene goes down hill. I am a very open person and tend to make those close to me extremely comfortable for them to be around me. Basically these men turn in to slobs once they become comfortable with me and I am tired of it. What can I do to prevent this from happening in the future?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): there is a big difference between gaining a few pounds versus becoming morbidly obese. 40 pounds is a BIG DIFFERENCE. Pick up a 40 pound weight. Imagine all that being PURE FAT, on YOUR body and it wasn't there originally but now it is. For a man who was originally, say, 180 lbs, to now become 220 lbs and it's all fat, that's a 22% gain in body weight due to fat. I am sorry if people find this offensive but one must not care much about oneself (i.e. lack of self respect) to not be bothered by this. It's not like you cannot control your weight and that's the thing. You can't control your height, or your disabilities, or a lot of other physical characteristics you were born with. But weight/fat is something you CAN control and to go ahead and increase your body fat by 22% and think your partner should still think your body is hot and attractive (good for you and your partner if they can overlook this massive change, but if they can't I don't think they are abnormal or morally wrong). OK so now the next issue probably is "it shouldn't be necessary that my partner thinks I am hot since we are in a committed relationship he/she should appreciate me for my commitment and personality." .. and people wonder why the spark goes out of long term relationships...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Wow some harsh and unforgiving comments here. Probably exactly what you want to hear though right?
Well unfortunately for you OP most people relax in relationships, it's a sign of a good relationship being able to relax. People who demand their partner always makes an effort to their standards are demanding chores of people who will constantly put you down and nag if you're not exactly who they expect you to be always. For some people that includes gaining weight.
Believe it or not it means you're doing something right that guys can so easily become comfortable with you or you can be like those anonymous posters and be judgemental and unforgiving of anyone who doesn't meet your standards in life.
OP gaining weight has nothing to do with self-respect. Being morbidly obese, and risking major health problems then yeah, maybe there will be a loss of self-respect, but people don't gain weight because they don't respect themselves and it says more about a person that thinks that way than it does weight gainers. It's actually the other way around and people who don't respect themselves go to insane lengths to remain thin. People gain weight for lots of reasons, slow down of metabolism, having to dedicate more time to be with a new partner, wooing her, going on dates and just being together. If you really think that you'd better off with a partner who can't relax in a relationship with you, you have another thing coming. You may find a guy like that and he may expect the same from you, good luck keeping the weight off after you have kids, good luck finding the time and energy to look great when you're wiping your kids ass all day and changing your shirt every hour because of some puke or food they got on you with only 5 hours of sleep at night.
My faincée has gained weight in the 7 years we've gotten together and I was fat when we got together and have gotten ripped and muscular since then and have been about the past 4 years. Was I fat because I didn't respect myself? No, I enjoyed my life, I drank, I ate good foods, I partied and I liked who I was. Do I respect myself more because I'm ripped? Nope, I respect myself the same.
I find it ridiculous that people think she must not respect herself because she's not some slim supermodel who stresses about her weight all the time. Sorry to break it you ladies but it's not lack of respect, she's simply not insecure about her appearance, she's completely relaxed, happy and comfortable with who she is and she does exercise regularly and eat well, she likes who she is and doesn't feel the need to impress anyone, she has me for life and she's perfectly healthy and beautiful.
OP google 'happy weight' most people gain some weight when they're happy. My fiancée's weight gain means I'm doing something right in our relationship that she feels so happy and able to relax. The hiring of our house keeper, landscaper and recently our chef means she has even less physically demanding chores to do at home too and the healthiest of foods freshly made by a pro for our meals. I actually don't like when she loses weight because it means something is up, she's stressed and not eating well, it's generally a sign of something going badly.
OP you honestly don't want to end up with someone who thinks weight gain is a sign of loss of self-respect, I've dated plenty of women like that and it comes from their own insecurities and their own personal standards projected onto someone else. They're generally an insecure nightmare of a person to be with who takes out their own perceived flaws on you and gives you dirty looks and judges you for even eating a burger.
Yeah, no thanks.
Op your best bet is to go for a really skinny guy with high metabolism or a guy who's profession demands he look a certain way.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2013):
 My husband gained 30 pounds when we started getting serious.
he went to his doctor and when he got weighed his doctor said "you must be in a relationship finally" and my then boyfriend said "yeah I am" and the doctor said to him "happy content men gain weight"
it almost always happens although not always 30 pounds worth.
take it as a compliment that they are happy and content with you.
I get your concern... I wish my hubby would lose SOME of the weight he gained. I wish I would too... part of being partnered is eating together... and we tend to do it more... and we give up work outs etc...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): I don't think you can prevent it and you shouldn't be having to. You want a man who would oj his own accord maintain himself. You don't want to have to be the keeper of his weight. You just need to pick men who aren't going to let themselves go. Men who have enough self respect to want to maintain a fundamental level of attractiveness for their partner and who are not so lazy and arrogant as to think that they are still attractive when grossly overweight and not brushing their teeth or showering. Suddenly gaining a lot of weight (not just a few extra pounds) in the absence of a medical condition and foregoing personal hygiene is indicative of emotional problems. So maybe you tend to gravitate to guys with emotional problems and if so you need to learn to pick men who are at a healthier place mentally.In your next relationship, compliment your next bf early on about his good looks and his trim physique. Let him know that is what you like and admire as do most women. People don't suddenly wake up one morning with an extra 40 lbs on them. It took a few months at least. So if you notice him starting to gain weight say something early on that you liked it "better " when he was 10 lbs lighter. Waiting til 40 lbs to say something is a bit late but I can understand waiting because you don't know how to broach the subject so you just wait silently hoping he will want to lose weight on his own or lightly hinting (which goes unnoticed or ignored)
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 February 2013):
 that just kinda seems to happen when you get in a committed relationship and settle down. you just kinda stop taking care of yourself as well as when you're single.
do you cook for them a lot? if so, cook healthier meals. if you don't cook for them often, maybe you could start. i'm sure they wouldn't mind!
cut out eating out often. do it only on special occasions. also, do you have lots of junk food lying around? if so, get rid of that or hide it. or you could supply your fridge with fruits and veggies.
do you run and exercise often? if not, you should start and encourage them to join you for extra time together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): do you constantly criticize them? Gaining fat can be a defense mechanism. I weigh more depending on who I'm with. If the person I'm with is stressful, I'm playing video games or watching movies to relieve stress and my day is heavily interrupted. If they're enjoyable and relaxing to be with, I have my day planned out and staying in shape is part of that day. I accomplish most tasks and I look good too. It just depends on who I'm with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Maybe you tend to pick the wrong kind of guy if every bf you have had totally let themselves go and became obese after you got together. I mean it has nothing to do with feeling comfortable. I felt comfortable in all ky relationships and my marriage and still refuse to ever let myself go anywhere to this degree. It is more about self respect not about how comfortable one feels with their partner. I also do not take for granted that I can become morbidly obese and still have my husband find ie attractive. Human physiology does not work that way. He has gained 100 lbs after marriage and I was honest and told him while I still loved him I didn't find him sexually attractive anymore. simply be honest and tell your bf you find his massive weight gain unattractive. I do not believe in tip toeing around this issue, even though many who are overweight find it a sensitive issue. You are not forcing him to lose weight you are giving him a choice to lose weight or stay fat. But similarly you have a choice too to stay in the relationship or break up if you no longer feel any attraction or even respect for him. Letting go of personal hygiene is unacceptable in my opinion and it shows (together with huge amount of weight gain that he will not shed) a lack of respect on his part towards you. So, honesty is the way to go here. No manipulations as some people might advise you to do (like encouraging him to go to the gym "for health reasons " or cooking him healthy food) . Fat people know its unhealthy to be fat so by focusing on "health reasons" you're not going to tell him anything new. No forcing him to lose weight. Instead give him the choice and give him the information on how you feel. Then if he makes the decision to not lose the weight necessary for his girlfriend to feel attracted to him, he is as much responsible for the end of the relationship as you would be if you choose to leave him out of lack of attraction and respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerebrus,
First two were a year long relationship,
the last was almost 2 years and HE was a fitness guy. He had abs, he worked out everyday but then we he got with me he stopped and ate a lot of junk, stopped running everyday and developed a big blobby stomach. I don't go "cruising for guys at Burger King." They just become so comfortable around me that they stop caring I guess.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): In all fairness Fatherly Advice it isn't just an American thing and it isn't just men. People's metabolisms slow down, they get pregnant, etc. Most people eventually gain weight, wrinkles etc.
OP you can't prevent it, just go for the fitness type or a guy who is into playing sports or a guy who's career it is to look good. You can't control a guys life so how can you prevent it? Just go for someone who is obsessed with their appearance.
I find it weird though OP at your age that you so happen to have three boyfriends long enough for them to put on such a huge amount of weight, do you go cruising for dudes in Burger King or something?
Look it's kind of unusual that three different guys your age would put on nearly three stone of weight in the time they've been with you. Do you give them the rest of what[s on your plate after you eat your three fries and one chicken nugget or something?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you,
that's very helpful
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 February 2013):
 I really like this Question. I'm not sure I have great advice but the question is indicative of a trouble in American society. Guys fail to commit, don't understand how to attract women, Don't understand how to be manly. I'm worried about the future here.
So you make them comfortable. Or, they have reached their goal. Whatever the reason they just stop trying. Either that or you bake a seriously great lasagna. (just kidding)
If I had to guess I would say that the weight is annoying, but the real deal breaker is that you don't feel that they are putting out for you. I would guess that they also don't take you out on dates, or surprise you or romance you? Not only are they letting themselves go they are letting the relationship go.
My best suggestion is to communicate sooner. Don't wait until the first ten pounds are on. Start talking the first time he shows up in grubby sweats. Let him know what you need. Guys really do like to please their partners. Help them stay on the right track.
FA
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