A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was born outside USA and so notice some cultural differences in how my girlfriend relates to her parents. I have had an American girlfriend for the last 2 years. We seem to have been hitting the spot ever since we got off to a good start. But I don't like her misbehaving with her parents over small issues . I have tried my level best making her realize that whatever she is today is because of her parents but she seems to forget this lesson quickly whenever she gets to meet her parents. Her parents are so sweet and I always find them doing everything they can to help her, fulfilling her demands, only to find their daughter complaining more . I am thinking of playing some dirty games with her to bring her on track and I can easily get this done without giving her a clue. But my question is will it be ethical me doing this? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): If she ever finds out, she will view you as controlling and manipulative, as well as judgemental. You're from a different culture, she will wish that you respected hers. Her trust in you will crumble and so will your relationship. Sit down and talk to her about it, and talk to her parents separately. Work from there.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 July 2011):
 this problem is a great opportunity to explore where your values and attitudes are in sync and in what areas the two of you may need to do some work on accepting, tolerating, aligning or resolving any differences.
she may, in your view be disrespectful. And in reality she may well be disrespectful.
Or she may be spirited and challenging and have a strong sense of who she is. And able to stand up for herselF.
And despite all that above her parents may approve of her being strong willed and spirited.
From the outside we can never know all the dynamics in operation in a relationship nor all the history.
Try not to be judgemental over this.
If she were to visit your birth country and be judgemental then, with justification, you would be very disappointed.
So no tricky games please.
Just be assertive, as tactfully as you can, to tell her how it makes you feel, and why that upsets you.
It may even be that the very same spirit and assertiveness with her parents is why you like her too.
Try an assertive statement like:
''when you (her action)
I don't like (what you don't like about it)
Because it makes me feel as if you don't respect your parents
And due to my own upbringing respecting parents is very important
And (how it makes you feel) this makes me feel conflicted
And as a result (this is what I would like you to consider to help address this potential problem between us) I was wondering if you would be prepared to consider our cultural values and how they affect our relationship
But please do not betray her trust by doing anything sneaky behind her back to 'teach her a lesson). Up front and honest is best, please.
Good luck with this.
Abella
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 July 2011):
 No. More than unethical , it's presumptous .
First, like you say, there are cultural differences that you probably don't grasp , what you see as wrong or disrespectful may not be that in their culture,
Second, parent-child dynamics are very personal,private, complex, and hard,or impossible, to understand for outsiders. My son, for instance, sees my mother ( his grandma ) as a celestial being of light and love, and is honestly puzzled that I may ever find anything to criticize in her . BUT, this his THEIR relationship, that's how she behaves now with a grandkid- growing up with her as her daughter as a child and a teenager has not always been so celestial.
Third, who are you, her boyfriend or her tutor/guardian/teacher ? She is an adult, she can decide how she wants to treat people. You surely can offer your opinion, and tell her ( diplomatically ) where, in your personal opinion, she goes wrong- but ,other than that, don't meddle and don't overstep boundaries.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 July 2011):
 It will be wrong of you to try and trick someone. Besides, you are NOT her parent, you are not supposed to be "teaching" her a life lesson. She is adult, not a child, and she needs to learn things by herself. If her parents haven't taught her how to be respectful, then it isn't your job to teach her either. Nor do you have a right to judge.
Leave it be.
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