A
male
age
30-35,
*aniel-Anna
writes:Hi. I've been with my gf for two and a half years. I love her to bits and I really feel she's the love of my life but she refuses to be physically intimate. We only kiss. I have a high sex drive and had a very active sex life in the past. I'm sexually frustrated and feel sad and lonely. We've talked it over a million times and she says she is not ready. I respect her and would understand her not wanting to have sex yet as she is a virgin but doing absolutely nth sexual is making me feel rejected and hurt. She hasn't been abused. I'm in a wheelchair but she's told me many times that it has nth to do with her attitude. Any advice?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2016):
 Andie, physical love and emotional love are just like the two side of a coin, or the two faces of a paper sheet, in a mature/ adult/ " grown up " love relationship . It's just two parts that make a whole , until of course age or illness prevents either one or both from performing physical acts of love.
At that point, you make do graciously with what is left to enjoy without the physical part, and, hopefully, can count on the bond you have created along the years to compensate for that loss. I surely would not recommend to kick out a husband who's become impotent due to prostate cancer, or a wife whose ageing process made her vaginal walls too dry and thin ( sorry to be a bit graphic, but .. it happens ) to make intecourse anything more than an unpleasant chore.
And even if I recommended it, luckily most people would not listen to me because sex is not all a relationship is about. It's not all- but it's a big part of a love relationship between adults, and if you get two adults that voluntary choose to abstain , in lack of physical or mental impairments- well, then you have a beautiful friendship, or a wonderful affinity - same as you'd have with a best same sex friend,- but you can't really call it a true partnership, or even less a marriage. In fact, a marriage can easily be annulled , both civilly and religiously, if it turns out it was not " consumed ".
That, luckily, seems though not having much to do with our OP's issue. I think , as other posters have commented, that he just chose someone who is a late bloomer. Although at 20 she is legally and physically an adult, maybe she is not emotionally mature yet to deal with the "mysteries " and complications of sex ... fear of pregnancy, defloration pain, body image issues, performance anxiety,.. and many other concerns which still make the idea of sexual intimacy more intimidating than tempting to her. But, she is only 20- although technically maybe she is a bit " behind schedule ", everybody has got their own times to be sexually ready willing and able, and at 20 I feel it's yet too early to assume that there's something wrong with her or her views on sex. ... She just does not feels like it yet- she has not heard ... the call of the wild yet.
Which leaves you,OP, in a pretty uncomfortable position, I imagine, but then again, if you love the girl, what else can you do but being patient and supportive ? The more you pressured her, the least she would be atracted to the idea. It would feel like some pesky homework that she must nilly-willy do if she wants to be allowed to stay in her class ( I.e. in her relationship with you ).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2016): As long as BOTH people in a relationship do not want or need sex, then it looks like they will get along quite famously.
But one half of this relationship WANTS and NEEDS sex.
If your girlfriend is this way now, be prepared that it just might not get any better, even after you have sex. She may end up not even liking it. Not wanting it as much as you. And then what? You have married her and then live a sexless life.
All things to think about.
In terms of being in a grown up relationship, yes, sex is expected between grown ups. This is the expectation of most people. Now I suspect that those who no longer have or need sex DID have sex at ONE TIME, did they not? So they WERE in a grown up relationship at some point in time. Otherwise, they wouldn't be a couple. Just good friends. Room mates. Whatever term you want to call it.
Most people in grown up relationships have sex or have had sex together at some point in their relationship. Because it later drops off or ceases altogether does not change the fact they are still in a grown up relationship, only difference is they no longer have sex and they used to.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 I really don't like people saying "grown up relationship" as a term for "relationship that includes sex" because lots of perfectly mature people of all ages in happy relationships don't want or need sex - that doesn't mean they don't have a "grown up relationship". Your girlfriend just isn't ready yet.
It could be that your girlfriend's libido isn't very high or she doesn't discover it until she has sex, but sex should never be rushed and plenty of 20 year olds aren't ready. She was about 17 and you were 22 - you ultimately chose a "child" because you entered into a relationship with someone who had no adult life experiences and was unequal in sexual terms. That's perfectly fine, *if* you can be happy waiting. If she was not with you this whole time, she probably still wouldn't be ready, but you wouldn't put it against "2½ years together"; you'd put it against the very understandable "only 20 years old".
OP, you have to decide what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Well, yes, of course sex is powerful and quite the magical spell a woman can weave on a man. Absolutely. Without question. And without question, many, most and all men have caved to a woman's sexual powers. I have been in this situation. My man is still caving to my sexual hold on him. No matter what I do, he keeps coming back for more. It is a very powerful weapon we women wield.Now, having said this, OP, if you are ready to commit to this woman, then you need to compromise. You cannot force her to be ready for sexual relations on your timetable. A woman needs to feel it herself and reach her own time for sexual awakening. Women are generally better able to control themselves. But also, since she is a virgin, she does not know what she is missing and can afford to wait and hang onto her ideals and morals.I assume you have had sex before? So, it is much harder for you to wait. Certainly this is understandable. And you are a young man who has needs and desires. Especially as a young man your desires are intensified. This is all perfectly natural.You have choices. Are you ready to settle down with one woman at your young age? You have a lifetime ahead of you. Do you really love her enough that you are willing to sacrifice your own needs? Your own happiness? How long can you go on this way? Be honest with yourself? You are already resentful. Yes, I can see why. I do believe successful relationships are based on intimacy. And that intimacy includes a sexual relationship. When one partner deprives the other of sex, all reasons or excuses aside, the deprived partner will be made to feel inadequate, unattractive, unloved, and ultimately unfulfilled. Like you do.I do not think it is right for you to put your needs aside if this situation is truly making you unhappy. How can you change it? Find a woman who can please you sexually. A woman who has more experience to meet your needs and your own sex drive. You will be much happier ultimately. I mean, what happens if you did have sex with your current girlfriend and it wasn't that good? How do you know what kind of sexual chemistry you would have with her when she has never done it? Wouldn't you rather be with a woman who is your equal sexually? There are lots of nice girls who have had sex before and realize it is a very important part of a relationship. Who are more than willing to satisfy you.Think about that.Your girlfriend does not seem ready for a grown up relationship. And this does include sex.If you are ready to marry her and are that serious about her, then you have no choice but to tough it out. But again, you never know what sex will be like with her. And it could turn out you were wasting a lot of valuable time...
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (28 June 2016):
Daniel-Anna
Listen...I have been down your road and back again. I know the power of sex. I know the serious power women have over us. But this is what makes it amazing. This is what she is suppose to do.
The ability to drive a man crazy. Let her drive you crazy. Let your need for her become so strong that no other woman matters. When she see you are focus on her and only her, she will be more willing to focus on pleasing you.
Never let your sexual needs control you...because you will become a slave to desire and lust...And lust has destroy countless relationships. Most marriages end because of LUST. Stop thinking like a typical man so you can become an exceptional man. When you marry her someday, and other wives see how devoted you are to her...they will wish their husbands were like you.
Try your best to stay away from the stereotype of "All men are..." This is why I came down so hard on you....because you were running down the road of all men are...
I pray that both of you last until death do you part...But even if things change, stay away from typical and live as exceptional.
Sex is easy to find...Wise men with common sense...are rare.
"Learn to value Wisdom while you are young, and you will still be able to find her when you grow old."
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 June 2016):
I don't think it's irrational or selfish to have a libido and desire her closeness - heck, my boyfriend and I are having a similar issue because I didn't realise I had a libido until I fell in love with him, but he's got some mental, emotional and physical things to do before we can be that close again (they arose after a couple of months of being intimate).I *feel* how hard it is to be really patient when your body craves more closeness (mine actually is closeness, rather than sexual release, yours is probably both) to the one you're madly in love with, but you'll lose her if you rush her.This may be an inevitable "you need this, she can't give it (for a long time)" situation that you have to face someday. For example, my boyfriend and I are worried that a break up will be inevitable, regardless of how much we feel like soulmates, if he can never move forward with what's holding him back, but I know I love him enough to hold on desperately until I can't any more. Can you do the same with her? Is she worth it to you to wait longer?Whilst I don't think there's only one person out there in the world for everyone, I do think you should hold on tightly when it feels right. If she feels right to you, try to stick it out, unless it makes you unhappy to be with her.As for marriage, you don't need to propose any time soon, but talking about your hopes for your futures individually and together is enjoyed by most people. Proposing to her at 20 may freak her out and be too soon, but talking about seeing a future with her shouldn't do :)
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A
male
reader, Daniel-Anna +, writes (27 June 2016):
Daniel-Anna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot. Maybe I have been all over her too much. And I don't mean physically, I haven't made a move in six months. I tell her all the time I love her and that she's the only woman in the world for me and so on, which are true. My best friend tells me I should back out bcs I'm choking her...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): Eventually she will have to make love with you and I dont think youre rushing her at all (its been two years, I completely feel you here). My love language is touch and I think so is yours by your need to make love to her. I dont think many women understand that by a man making love to their woman, they ARE showing her his love. Especially since shes a virgin, she doesnt understand this at all. I remember reading this one post where after attending a very sad family member's funeral, a woman's husband made a move on his wife and tried to initiate lovemaking and she was so offended, she coudnt believe it and got so angry! she thought he was so selfish and unbelievably rude...but she didnt know that her sadness and tears prompted him to want to please her and make love to her so she can be happy (and he didnt know how to express it any other way than to want to make love to her). It really broke my heart because women are clueless about a guy's need to express their feelings that way (To me lovemaking is the sweetest thing a man can give to me)I think youre in a really hard place right now because I personally would be so crush if my man wouldnt make love to me and only teased me with kisses. Esp if I loved him and knew he was the one for me (marriage, kids, forever together). I know you feel rejected and hurt...Id say maybe pull back a little tbh. Re-evauluate some things. Because she is a virgin, you dont know if sex will be great. Most likely it will be very awkward til she gets beter at it and learn to enjoy it (women enjoy sex usually a few weeks to months after the first act). But pull back a little, maybe be a little resistant towards kissing because its making you frustrated. I dont think its manipulative but show her youre frustrated and just want a breather. IF you pull back, she comes in wanting to please you more. So its give and take and maybe its time you resisted her more instead of giving in. Some girls enjoy a little chase but this isnt meant to hurt her. Its meant to show her that you have needs and its okay for you to step back a bit for her to show her how much she does want you too if that makes senseLove her but also yourself. Go out too, enjoy the nice weather, go see some friends, maybe please yourself in other ways. Its hard but if she sees her very cute boyfriend being so independent w/o her, she'll feel desire to want to be part of that and want to make you happyGood luck
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (27 June 2016):
How is she rejecting you??
Is she making out with some other guy and not you? That is rejection. Not getting what you want is not rejection...it called having PATIENCE!!!
You say you don't want to have sex...right!! You kiss, and now you want to make out...What do you think you will want after you start making out??? Still lying to yourself.??
Talking about marriage will freak her out????????????? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON!
What do 90% of women look forward to someday? Women do not date men simply to have sex. They are looking for a good man to be a life time partner. Men on the other hand are looking for a partner, who will give them sex without a life time commitment.
You say you plan to marry her, and sex is that important to you...Plus you, as you say will not be unfaithful to her, then what is the problem??
I am not trying to bust your chops here...But you seriously have to stop thinking like a typical man. Yes you are being selfish...and I am a man, and I know how men think. Not for one second you can tell me that your level of intimacy will stop at JUST making out. If you get her to go an inch, than why can't she go a mile.
You think marriage talk will freak her out? What do you think trying to talk her in sex is doing??
This is what love is...Tell me if you are living up to this....NOTE*** It says NOTHING ABOUT SEX.
"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."
There is saying...GOOD THINGS COMES TO THOSE WHO WAIT...
Also...A hurry bird never builds a good nest....See if you understand what that means
There is song by Brooke Benton called..."I got what I wanted, but lost what I had"
You may find yourself in that very place. Open her up to sex now, and you may not be the only one she wants it from.
If she means that much to you...then your wedding night will be awesome. :)
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A
male
reader, Daniel-Anna +, writes (27 June 2016):
Daniel-Anna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBrown wolf, am I really being that selfish and irrational bcs I want some intimacy with the girl I love? I'm not talking about having sex, I just want to make out, is that so bad? There's no chance I'm leaving her or being unfaithful. And I do want to marry her but she's only 20,talking about marriage would freak her out. We're still both in university. It's not just a matter of sexual frustration, I also hate feeling rejected and unwanted.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (27 June 2016):
If she slept around a bunch before you, Id say there was a pretty big problem. She didnt. Id say you found a gem who was willing to wait for the right guy. Appreciate what you have.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2016):
 Okay, that explains it. She's just too young. That's the thing you have to accept when you decide to date someone so many years younger than you, they may not be mature enough/ready for commitment/sexual activity. Give it another year.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (27 June 2016):
You are typical man...and need to learn to grow up...Let me show you why!
Your comment....
"I love her to bits and I really feel she's the love of my life."
See...Most men feel love is found between a woman's legs...BEYOND DEAD WRONG!!! You feel if she loves you as much as you THINK you love her, then why is she not having sex with you??? Right. You love sex...not her. If you love her to bits as you say...sex would be the last thing on your mind. All her OTHER bits would be. If she is the love of your LIFE, as you say...Then having her in YOUR life should more important than having your D**k inside her. Love and sex are not the same thing...one is true love, the other is based on LUST.
You say you have a strong sex drive...good...Let's see you have a strong drive to do the right thing instead. I bet you are not even thinking of marriage...just want to get some and go. Heck, if she does not give you some soon, you will find some other sleaze to give you what you want. Doing the right thing...screw that...your hormones rules your brain, and common sense is squirted out of D**k every time you masturbate. Because after all...a vagina does look and feel like a hand right??
"she says she is not ready"
This means what to you??? It means run to some other girl to get what I need, because waiting...oh mother...I am going to die. My balls will explode. There is no way I could wait for the love of my life that long.
"I respect her and would understand her not wanting to have sex yet"
Well...this is a big fat lie...or you are trying to fool yourself. Respect means what? Understand what? Not wanting...means??
You said you are in a wheelchair...what if she wanted you to do something with her, but she can't wait for you to hurry up and get out of your wheelchair. Because she was very active in the past life, and this waiting is driving her crazy...How would you feel?
Sex does not equal love....Love her, marry her, and she will have all the sex you need, for life.
She is waiting because she is very smart and wise. You did not go from a baby to a 25 year man in two and half years now did you? It took 25 years, and so you can wait as long as she needs you to wait.
Try actually "Respecting" her, and "Understanding" how she feels, while "Not wanting" her to do something she is not comfortable with just yet.
As for my advice...Virgins are addicted to wedding dresses...you should try that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): It may be that she truly is not ready to have sex yet. I was 24 years old before I felt ready for sex, it just took me that long. It had nothing to do with not being sexually attracted to my boyfriend I just wasn't ready, it was hard for him, but he understood and respected that I wasn't ready. You will have to decide if you can live with this situation until she is ready or you need to find someone else. I hope this helps. good luck
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A
male
reader, Daniel-Anna +, writes (27 June 2016):
Daniel-Anna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. Well, she's 20 and I'm 25.Our kisses are very passionate and that makes things even more difficult. She kisses better than any other girl I've ever kissed - and I have kissed quite a few. Also she's not asexual - or so she says... She's told me she feels excited when we kiss and that she masturbates about once a week (sorry if that's sharing too much). She says she finds me attractive - if she didn't, would she stay? Wouldn't she try to find someone to fulfill all her needs?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 June 2016):
I also think she isn't a very sexual person. So even if you and her start having sex soon, it will be seldom. Like, maybe you will have sex every other month. If she wanted sex, but is waiting for marriage with losing her virginity, she would have told you. Also, she would have been more touchy feely and not only give polite kisses.
When you kiss, is it passionate, or is it just a quick peck? Are you sure you are both in love? I am just asking so you can take a hard look at this relationship. If she never wants to have sex, and it's been years already, and if you only have polite kisses and no passion, then maybe the truth is that she doesn't see you in a romantic light. Maybe she likes and enjoys being in a relationship and having someone to talk to, get hugs from, hang out with and who will treat her well. But if she doesn't want a physical relationship, then what you have is a friendship.
Even if YOU are crazy in love with her... you will not be happy long term if she doesn't reciprocate these feelings. I find it odd that after two and a half years, she says she's not ready. She is not 16, is she? I am assuming she is the same age as you. So my guess is, if she is 25, or around that age, and after two and a half years she says she is not ready, then I don't think she is sexually attracted to you. OR, she just isn't a sexual person and isn't sexually attracted to anyone.
Just remember, that even if you and her were to have sex now, it could very likely be two and a half years until she is ready for the second time. Because if she is happy never having sex, just trying it once will not be some magic cure to release her sexually. She doesn't like sex, I think. And she will not like it, even if you and her finally had it.
But of course, you could try to marry her and see if that helps. Some times, women have been told so many times they need to be married before sex, that they feel guilty of having sex, guilty of even thinking about it.
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A
male
reader, Daniel-Anna +, writes (27 June 2016):
Daniel-Anna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. We've talked about all this. I've suggested she asks her doctor but she says there's no need. I'm a med student myself so I can answer any questions she might have - and I have answered all qs she has made me. She isn't ignorant of the basics though. As for finding another gf, to tell the truth I can't imagine my life without her...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 June 2016):
 If she is a bit of an innocent she may be worried about the logistics ..... and the "what ifs". Are the family planning clinics where you live, if yes I would recommend making an appointment for the pair of you, or a GP if that is more accessible, for a chat about what to expect and answer any questions she may have.
It may just be that she is not a sexual being, in which case, considering an active sex life is important to you, I would think about finding a new girlfriend.
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