A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:His ladies and gents, long time no post here.The past 4 years have been great, I have met a great woman, and 1 year ago, we got married. We are living with her parents, it can get a little claustrophobic at times. Just for a small amount of background.A few weeks ago, my wife went out to the local beer festival, this is quite popular in the town and nearly everyone goes. Except me. I was working nights in my new job which alternates between day shift and night shift. It is also a physically demanding job, I have never been in a job that demands physical fitness or is manual. So I have been way too tired to do anything, recovering from all the hard work, the job I had been doing for 6 weeks at that point. I'm now 2 months into my job.My wife went to the beer festival and bumped into an old school friend of hers, when with her cousin and brother. She took them home at the end of the beer festival and went to see this guy who had a party afterwards. She didn't tell me until a couple of days later. OK no biggie I think to myself. She starts constantly texting him to the point where she'll stop mid convo to read his message. I peer over her shoulder and see "come get high with me again." oh great I think, she's talking to a drug user and giving him all her attention.I wait till she's asleep and read her texts. They where getting pretty flirty and she was slating me to him. So in the morning when she's breakfasting I told her I looked through her texts, because she hadn't openly admitted or told me that he was a drug user and she was seeing him to go do drugs, mostly weed. She gets upset because she says he is just a friend and nothing more, so I ask her to just be upfront and honest with me about what she is doing. She then feels that it would be best if she hides everything from me. I get a call from a mutual friend of ours that she was in the park with him smoking drugs (out of character hence the concerned call) when she was supposed to be at the local shopping complex. She gets home from "shopping" with new underwear razors etc and kisses me goodbye before I left for work. I didn't challenge her to see if she would tell me of her own accord that she met up with this guy.During work I get a text at midnight saying that she is round his watching movies. About 1am the texts suddenly stop mid flow. I get home from work 6am hours later, and she is getting changed out of clothes that reek of weed and climbing into bed.I asked her, what is she playing at? It looks really bad when she buys new underwear and then stops texting me at 1 while round the house of a guy that I don't know. She reiterates that they are just friends, nothing more. My spider senses tingled. I went through her phone again, this time they are both flirting backwards and forwards heavily. I woke her up and asked her why is she doing this? It doesn't look like friends to me while showing her the messages. She admits having feelings for him and says she's really sorry, she says she will fight the feelings while meeting up with him.i ask her to stop texting and talking to him, and an argument busts out. She doesn't want to do that as he is her only friend. So I give in and let her keep talking to him but no secret meets or staying round his house on her own. I don't mind the drugs but let me know if you are smoking them. She says she will never do the drugs. She says she wants to meet him to tell him how she feels so they can have an understanding and she eventually tells me she will stop talking to him because of this. I told her she has broke my trust.Next day she's going to the local shops for some small items, bout 5mins drive away. Takes her an hour, comes back with an aftershave odor on her and says to us (her parents too, who are now involved and saying that she shouldn't be having feelings for this guy and to cut all contact) that there was only one person at the till. We look at eachother and accept it, but I used to work at the store and a minimum of 5 people can be at the tills and another 2 in store. I reread her texts, this time another secret meeting with OM. This time they are texting back and forth about how horn they are and she should leave me for him. Also found him.asking for nudes and to see her at her bedroom window getting changed.I confront her about it and casually ask her, does she really have feelings for this guy, does she want a relationship with him? She says she doesn't want to hurt me and she wants to stay with me, but she feels she should give him a try. So iv suggested a separation, so that she can think. I pack my stuff and leave saying that if she chooses me she has to cut all ties with him.A day later she comes to my door and asks me to come back, so I say yes, but she must stop talking to him. So she says she will cut all ties and wants to work on our marriage. I move back in a day later.After a couple of days of asking where I went wrong, what can I do to fix the marriage and her sulking, she begs me to let her talk to him, just as friends and she has no more feelings for him anymore or she will never be truly happy in our marriage because she'll have no friends otherwise. So I say yes, but she will have to cut off ties if I ask and I'm allowed to look at texts, all meetings with him are banned. She agrees. I tell her that I have done all I can to get her to realise that she is damaging her marriage while she talks with this man, she can only convince herself now and while she talks with him I cannot trust her over all this heartbreak. She says she'll prove that she can be trusted. In the meantime we work on our marriage. Iv taken her away for the weekend, to be more spontaneous and fun. She has been good and shown me all her texts between her and him which where at a friendly level, she has also realised that he wants to pull us apart. Until on the way home in the car, she was constantly on her phone texting him and not paying any attention to me. I told her that she better not let her feelings sweep her away, because your feelings can cloud your judgement and you end up making mistakes. She snapped at me and has been cagey with her phone all evening. I caught her deleting messages too.How do I get her to realise what she is doing by talking to him, she acknowledged how I feel about her talking to him. But doesn't seem to do anything about it, I'm worried she doesn't really want to pay attention to our marriage and she'll get sweped away by this guy and it's too late.I believe her when she says she wants us to work and to fix our marriage.Sorry for the rambling, too many late nights and fragmented thoughts. Sincerely Mr no spine.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 Good luck OP.
One word extra of advice? Don't jump into NSA just yet. TAKE some time to being you, to healing and moving forward. USING another woman for sex is going to fix how you feel. Just saying.
Rather FOCUS on friends, family, hobbies and work for a while.
AND!!! LET her pay half of the divorce!! Since you two don't own shared property you might even be able to do an online divorce (which is BY FAR) cheaper than using 2 lawyers AND... it can be quicker. So IF I were you I'd look into that.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, just to update you all, I have left her and filed for divorce. She has run into his arms and offered to pay half the fees. Right now I don't care if I have to pay it. I just want to move on with my life.I am going to rent a flat near to my workplace and focus on myself, maybe have a bit of fun and nsa sex. I feel such a relief for kicking her off my back as the burden was just getting too much and weighing me down. This is the first time I have dumped someone, let alone told them I want a divorce. It is so liberating.Thank you all for your advice. You all made really good points and I struggled to take off the rose-tinted glasses. The best thing to do now is just move on and socialise and keep busy, try not to dwell on the why's and wherefore.:)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2016):
 My current husband is my little something on the side from my last marriage. I did it WITH permission. IT still blew up.
trust me honey..get out now. she's not going to give him up for you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 June 2016):
 You have had so much great advice on hear, reading your post and your update has filled me with such sadness. Your life really must just be you trying to get your wife to stop talking to him, then you checking and seeing that she still is talking to him. It was so clear from your post that she had slept with this man. She is not going to stop sleeping with him now, and even if she does she will move on to the next. The thing now is she does not respect you, she has you right where she wants you, she knows if she cries and tells you she is sorry you will forgive her time and time again. The sad thing is you will keep forgiving her and you will end up very sad and lonely. I know you love your wife and I know you will never trust her again, you will always be checking her phone, you will always wonder where she is, who she is with and it is not healthy. It turns you in to a unhappy controlling person. I was in your situation, I turned a blind eye I thought if I pretended it wasn't happening that I could be happy, I tried to be happy because I loved him, some girl came forward she was pregnant he told me, he cried and told me he loved me, it was a mistake, he wanted to work things out, I believed him because I wanted to believe him. Like you so many people told me to leave him I could do better, but I thought I know him deep down he is a good guy and he does love and care about me, but in the end I finally saw the light, was it hard giving up? Yes it was, I never thought I would do it, I was weak and pathetic, but he finally moved away and I got the space I needed to move on, and let me tell you I have never been happier, am with someone now who I know I can trust, would I ever go through his phone or invade his privacy? No because I trust him and vice versa. You need trust to be happy my friend, please don't waste your life being unhappy just to hold on to some hope, because she won't change. I wish you all the best in the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2016): The only way you can make this "easier" on yourself is to look in the mirror and be completely honest with yourself.
She doesn't want to be with you. You cant make things work with someone who doesn't want to be with you at all.
I been there man and believe me its rock bottom. but hey, as crazy as it sounds you just gotta laugh about it, man up, and take on those lonely nights and its gonna hurt like hell. Sooner that you get on with it the less time it will take. And you better start kissin the bottle cause she aint kissin you anymore. Stay Strong.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 Sweetheart, I think she has already made her choice, and its not you .......... find somewhere to stay for a few weeks, friends or family, gather together everything that is important to you, ie if you have old family photos that cant be replaced kind of thing, and clothes and move out.
Its going to be tough but right now you need to think about yourself, and you cant do that while she is playing with your head, she's told you she needs time, she doesn't need time at all, she just wants you gone so she can do what she wants with the other guy.
Its not going to be easy, but you can do it, one last thing, if you have joint bank accounts or credit cards, considering she has involved herself with a drug user, before you do pack up your stuff go to the bank and have either set up an account just for you and transfer everything across, and cancel the credit cards etc all together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt the point of writing this post, I didn't think she had create on me. She has since told me that within the same time-space she has cheated.
I am devastated, she seemed just as upset and is confused about everything, she doesn't know what to do. Iv told her time and time again that she should stop talking to him but it is too late now I guess.
She asked me if I could forgive her and I said yes, she then said she cannot forgive herself and she needs time to be able to cut this guy off or start a relationship with him. I feel like I am in limbo because I do not have a clear cut answer with how she's feeling and I want to make it work with her :(
I know I should leave and I find that really difficult to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): I think you did the right thing by separating and moving out, but you didn't stick to your guns.
Move out, and do not move back the next day when she feels bad and begs you to come back. Tell her that she will have to cut off all contact with the other man and schedule/attend & pay for a marriage counselor before you will even consider coming back to her.
If those steps are not taken by her within a couple of weeks, then follow through with divorce paperwork after that.
So sorry, I know you deserve better and I hope you find a faithful spouse in the future.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (27 June 2016):
You are her beta provider. She's excited by the alpha-bad boy, and if she hasnt slept with him yet (unlikely), she is going to.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (27 June 2016):
 Every marriage wreck starts with the other guy being "just a friend". Same with her situation. My suspicion is that the reason he became a "friend" to her is the drugs. He probably feeds her the weed for free and she loves it. That little episode of you taking her out, romancing her, suggests to me that she loves drugs more then you or why else would she go back texting him in the midst of the romance. So, I'd give her a choice: Marriage or drugs and the other guy. Be specific: no contact of any sorts with that guy or you are out; no drugs of any sorts; and make this a hard red line that should not be crossed or you walk. You gave her a choice when you left, and she responded. Leave again with this choice. There is not much left to lose anymore because at some, soon, point in the future she may completely check out of the marriage because the impulse to be high will far overweigh the value her marriage brings.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 June 2016):
I totally overlooked the fact you are living with her parents. Pack up as much of your stuff as you can and move out, even if it means sleeping on a sofa at a mate's place.
At the moment there is no reason for her to have to stop her bullshit .... its unlikely her parents are going to kick her out, so she is in a very secure position.
You move out, and don't move back in with her, if she has second thoughts and wants to get back with you let her do some running after you ....... AND, if she does try to initiate a reconciliation, make sure you don't have sex with her until she is thoroughly checked for STDs.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (27 June 2016):
 "I believe her when she says she wants us to work and to fix our marriage"
Do you really? Be honest with yourself because she has no intention. You cant simply will her to be a loyal and faithful wife. She has to want to be that person and she doesn't. After all the PROMISES,still, she has the audacity to sit next to you in the car txt'ing this dude.I mean FFS !!! Blatant disrespect. My heart goes out to you, it really does but this is too much for anyone to have to put up with. It's 2 against one and you I'm afraid are not one of the 2. Sorry for your pain mate
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): Mate the question is can you live with the fact your wife is sleeping with another guy. She won't stop this behavior either. I was in a similar situation and I regret every day we stayed together. Time spent living like that is wasted. You know this as you are beating yourself down. Get your backbone back, ditch her and move on. Good luck my friend
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): Listen. This isn’t about her anymore, your marriage has long been over. Stop asking her questions because her answers are like the confetti inside a pinata. They don’t have any real value or substance they are there to just fill space.
This is more about you then her. How can you allow yourself to be mistreated like that? You call yourself Mr. no spine. Why do you have such low self-esteem and self-respect that you want to stay with a person who does not love or respect you anymore. How could you lie to yourself and believe the words of person who does the opposite of those exact words through their actions. Is it because she says what you want to hear and that’s all that matters to you. Are you so weak that if she was to say she loves you, that all the wrong she has done is water under the bridge?
It’s better for you to die on your feet then live on your knees. Right now you are living on your knees with this woman. I think it’s time for you to stand on your own two feet and leave. Remember you only have one life to live and you will look back decades from now and either be proud of yourself for reforming yourself as a man or you will be humiliated by the treatment you allowed upon yourself. I don’t know about you or that women. But if there is one thing I am sure of it’s that your marriage is dead and the likelihood of you and her ever working things out is slim to none. In other words, you have a better chance wining the lottery.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): You’re not going to like this but I’m going to be frank. Your life is a mess and you have a lot of work to do to fix it. First you need to move out of her parents’ house that is the first red flag. You should have your own place no matter what, that way if things like this happens you can separate. As far as your wife goes she lost respect for you because you are not being a man. She is feminine and you are masculine. You are playing a very submissive role in this marriage. A man is supposed to be a masculine leader not weak and submissive as you have displayed.
She definitely has problems that you cannot fix. But as for you, you have two things going for you. You are still relatively young and you have only been married for one year and seems like you don’t have kids together. You need to leave this marriage. If she doesn’t leave you today she will tomorrow and you will always be thinking about that. She has no respect for you because she pretty much had sex with another guy with your knowledge and you were texting her. Never ask how can you fix her mistake that is very submissive. Rather ask her how she is going to fix what she has done.
What’s sad about you is that you are only fooling yourself. I have never seen a women make it so much more clear that she has no respect or care in the world for you. Haven’t you learned that you judge a woman by her actions not her words. She has got you wrapped around her little finger like you wouldn’t believe. Most women will never tell you to f-off because they don’t like feeling guilty or being the bad guy. They don’t like having to fess up and take up responsibility for their actions. Not all women but most women in today’s society are like that. One way or another even though you have done everything right by her this is your fault. Whether you didn’t do this or that, or whatever her excuse will be. But remember that you did nothing wrong and you shouldn’t blame yourself for one second.
However, you need to start loving and respecting yourself. You really have low self-esteem and self-respect to allow someone to treat you like this. I used to have the same problem but after years of reading books and practicing how to stand up for myself, everyone that is in my life respects me. People understand that they don’t have to like me but they have to respect me. I also give respect but absolutely demand respect. You need to absolutely demand respect in your life if you are going to have good relationships.
So I hope its clear to you that she has slept with this guy and admitted to having feelings for him? What else do you want her to do write it out in words that she doesn’t love you anymore? Im sorry man but im going crazy over here at how clueless you seem. Look I have been in your shoes except I put an end to my relationship when I realized she was seeing someone else. I mean the same day I found out she was seeing someone. However, you start holding her hand and walking her through her cheating like it’s a team effort. Like you are involved with this guy too? Talk about lack of spine you are showing by asking her to stop seeing this guy. In those situations, you demand you don’t ask. you make demands, the more demanding you are, the more respect you get back from her. But sadly you showed no balls you might as well have had a vagina man really! What do you think she would have done if you were shagging one of her friend’s man? You think you would all sit down and have tea? Women like playing with doormats not marrying them and you were just that. If you ever want to be in a sustaining marriage don’t be a doormat. All relationships require boundaries for them to be healthy and you clearly had no boundaries in your marriage. I don’t care if you are in love with this woman still you need to walk away. The only way you will be able to earn your own respect and her respect is for you to make her an ultimatum that says its only you or there is no more you. If she doesn’t comply you walk away that’s what men do no matter what you have to lose. That way at least you still have your dignity.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2016):
I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but your "wife" is full of shit.
He isn't "just" a friend. She hasn't stopped overnight (1 day) to have feeling for him and wanting him. She is now deleting messages and being upset with you for "keeping" her away from him.
She wants her cake (you) and eat it too (him), and she wants you to just SUCK it up, provide for her and let her do as she pleases.
She is snapping at you as a way to both control you (let her do whatever she wants) and manipulate you (make you think you are being too harsh with her).
You need to decide what your standard is, what your boundaries and deal-breakers. Personally? This person would be cut OUT of her life 100% if she is serious about working on the marriage. Not this half-asses solution of no meeting, but still talking and texting and then her still being shady and deleting texts..
She has to decide, the marriage or him. No both ways, because obviously she doesn't see him as "just a friend" no matter how much she claims this. It's a blatant lie and disrespectful towards you AND the marriage.
If she can't agree to that? Then she has made her choice. That is him. If that is the choice, I'd be quick and file for divorce or annulment (if possible) since you have been married such a short time. And then you MOVE out. And block contact with her. CUT her off. I know it "seems" easy in theory it is much harder in reality, but you can either "LET" her run the marriage into the ground, make you feel even more like crap than you already are, and take NO responsibility or you can let her go. Sounds like she needs to do some growing up. She sounds like a teenager not someone in their late 20's.
If this was my daughter (I have 3) I would tell her husband this and I'd probably kick her immature bum out of the house.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 June 2016):
Marriage is for two people, she has introduced a third person, I know you love her but if you continue as you are you will only tear yourself apart.
The only way to show her what she is doing to you, and your marriage is to tell her one more time that its him or you, if she choses him give her the taxi fare, if she choses you she has to realise there will be no texts, no phone calls, no visits, nothing, and she needs to tell him this as well. And the first slip up, regardless where you are or what you are doing, your hand goes in your pocket and comes out with the taxi fare ..... or if you are in the car you can just detour and drop her at his place: no more words, no more talking about it, no more chances, you have already given her a second chance and a third chance and a fourth chance .... no more!
Its tough, it will be tough, it will hurt like hell, but if she goes the hurt will fade eventually, if she stays and does not cut ties with him the hurt will just keep returning, over and over again until you are nothing but an empty husk ....... I am sad for you, I hope you can work it out.
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