A
male
age
51-59,
*edjpd
writes:We were due to be married in April but girlfriend has since found out she is pregnant (12 weeks). She is afraid to tell her father and feels she will embarrass her family. She is having very negative thoughts about whether our marriage would last - she fears we'll not get on enough. She is very used to her own space and independence and doesn't know how she will adjust to living with me. She is very emotional and tired at the moment due to her pregnancy and the issues she has with her family. I am prepared to postpone the wedding and am trying to support her as much as possible but am growing more and more frustrated. She is now talking about going to Nice for 9 months to have the baby so she can avoid telling her father and embarrasing her familiy.She says she is not running away and that it was always her intention to do this.I want to support her and don't want to be an absent father but there is no way I can follow her. I think she is overly worried about how other people will view her.I know she is very emotional and hormonal at the moment but I don't know what to do. I know if she goes to Nice it will be the end of our relationship. The only thing keeping it will be the baby. I just don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Hi Hunny
You are so stuck I would just have another talk with her and if her mind is set on going then there is not alot anyone can do, Hormones her mum not being there will be a huge thing she will miss at a time like this her sister I no how that feels.. But she is old enough to do as she pleases so she should just tell it how it is, Whats to be embarressed by a beautifull little child..And you the father do have a say love who is supporting you hunny TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Would she not at least tell her family first and then go to Nice if she still feels like the family will be embarressed by it? I mean at 38 there is no need to be worried by what other people are going to think. If she does that, has the baby and comes home the dust will have settled by then. As long as both her and the baby are healthy I'm sure her family will be ok with it then. What about suggesting getting married abroad maybe in Nice if she goes there? Just the 2 of you if all comes to all?
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male
reader, redjpd +, writes (7 March 2008):
redjpd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer mother who she was very close too died three years ago and I suppose she misses having her to confide in. She does not have a particularly close relationship with her father. She is also in conflict with her sister at the moment (they are not speaking and both are stubborn)& she seems to think her & her brother will be embarrased. I am trying to be as supportive as possible - I think the pregnancy, family problems & trying to arrange the wedding have pushed her over the edge.
She has an apartment in Nice - going there is not an option for me. As someone said she is only running away she will have it all to explain anyway when she comes back.
I don't know what to do - she won't let me try & resolve her family issues. I think we need to get it out in the open - if her familiy don't want to support her thats their loss - I know that this would really hurt her.
I am trying to be as supportive as possible & hope she will see sense soon
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): I'm sorry, I overlooked your followup. It may have just been posted at the same moment, my reponse did. You do state there are some religious and family influences here..in why she is doing this. She needs to be strong and face her family. You need to be right there by her side, holding her up through this difficult time. If she still refuses and goes off on her own, you have to decide if you can 1) give up your life there and move with her and be a family and raise this child together or 2) let her go, but visit her often and make plans to move closer eventually, to be a father to this child. I am thinking of the child's well being here, no one elses's because that little person doesn't deserve to be scooted away from it's father, grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, etc. This child will need loving parents and an intact family, more than ever now. Every child deserves the very best it's parents can give him/her. You have some big choices to make. Make ones that enhance this baby's life and if that means a scarifice on your part, you do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Your gf is plainly distraught over this pregnancy. Family's are usually a safe haven, a place of love and support when life becomes challenging for many of us. But she feels responsible/accountable for embarrassing her family, so she wants to run away. How sad. That she feels she can't depend on these people. What type of family issues does she have...especially with her Father? What kind of man is he? Are there religious barriers or cultural boundaries/ any family dysfunction, any form of mistreatment, in her past, that has caused her to feel this way?
What type of person is your gf? Have you both talked of children? Does she want kids? Did she see children coming into your union, at some point in the future? If she was to go away, has she got other plans for this pregnancy that you are unaware of? Adoption? Abortion?
Sorry, I had to ask that, but I am seeing a troubled girl here, who needs a strong, strong person to help her through this but is not accepting that support. She is carrying your child. You have to be her rock and you have to insist on it. You do not just accept this. You tell her this is your child and you will fight for that child and keep this relationship together, no matter what. Be very firm but in a strong, compassionate way. You will be the Dad and Father's have rights and you need to to tell her that. Find out what she plans to do, if she goes to Nice, where will she live, how will she cope. Everything she does now, will affect the life of your future child. She is floundering and your family (her and the baby) are ready to bolt. Fight for that family. It's time for you to gather up your strength, and help her in any way possible. Couple counselling might help and you should seek timely advice from a family doctor or a pre-natal clinic for advise on how to help a pregnant loved one cope. Gather information but do it quickly. She needs your help...asap.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (7 March 2008):
 I don't know what country you're from. I only suplept for a couple of hours during the night so I really don't have the energy to look it up. I hope I don't cross cultural or religious boundaries with my answer.
We are talking about a baby here, not a pimple and the prom. This is her father's grandchild. A part of her whole family. I know here, I wouldn't be as worried about the father as I would about taking the opportunity to share in this experience from the woman in the family.
She is an adult. The two of you made the choices you did which created life. He may be disappointed if marriage then baby is the usual tradition but that doesn't change the fact that she has a miracle growing inside her.
I don't think it's the best of ideas to run from the issue.
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A
male
reader, redjpd +, writes (7 March 2008):
redjpd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy fiance is 38 and has a respectable job. I think she feels embarrassed by her current predicament - worries too much what others think. I think a lot of this is due to her father. She is a fluent french speaker so language is not an issue. She says she is not running away and that she had planned to do this anyway - she may have but without a baby in tow. She is vey fearful of her fathers reaction - he had heart problems in the past & is a Jehovahs witness. She feels he will take it badly. I am trying to understand her emotions & hormones but am feeling rejected & helpless here. I probably come from a more laid back & supportive background & don't really care what others think. I just don't know what to say or do.
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female
reader, chijinkem  +, writes (7 March 2008):
running away can never be the best option i mean the first person that should know should be the mother because her mother we know how to put her through. lets say she gets to run away and later comes with the child that same gossip she doesn't want to hear that made her run away we become worst cos people would even say her parents knew about the pregnancy and went ahead to hide her. we all know there is nothing hidden under the sun so my advice is for her to face the shame now of face a greater one later.since you are going to marry her just be with her and give her the best advice you can and support her
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Hi Hunny
You can show your g/f this if you wish as your question is of concern for her well being and that of your unborn child...She is very hormonal at this moment and thinking of going to another country to have a baby is not a good choice as it is far better to be in the place you no and are comfortable with launguage wise plus medical wise, Plus there is no big issue here so she is pregnant you were getting married anyway so it came a little early a little bundle of joy a precious gift from god. This child will be part of her family and they should be excited to be grandparents, Its not like she has gone out got pregnant and doesnt no who the father is, Its you her soon to be husband or so it was to be, Her hormones are so bad love she should go to the doctor, With all this worry its not going to help the pregnancy, And running away will not help the situation unless she is planning never to come back as she will have a child with her so the family will find out and surely be more upset that they have not known of their grandchild or even that he/she existed..I as a mother would be very upset of the thought that my daughter could not approch me and so would my fiance at the thought of my daughter in the future being so scared hunny that she felt the need to escape rather that tell us would hurt me terribly as that would mean Im not very understanding...Tell your g/f that she may be seeing this the wrong way if you can love, And she can only tell the truth, And then if they do not understand she hasnt lost anything as they will find out one day anyway unless she never wants to see them ever again PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU AND HER WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU BOTH MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): By going to Nice she is running away!! I mean everyone is going to know about the baby when she comes home again. She can hardly hide a baby away for ever? Is there more to this than she is letting on? I'm sure if she spoke to her father and told him the story it wouldn't be as bad as she is saying. I mean how old is your g/f by the way? In this day and age she isn't the first woman to have a child before marriage and she certainly won't be the last.
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