A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a woman for 3 years. Things started out very well, we were really happy together. In the last year or so, things have been suffering a bit. This week we nearly broke up twice. She told me the following- that she feels that somehow, I'm not a good listener sometimes... that when she speaks I don't have a certain intensity or show curiosity or interest on all the subjects in the manner that she would, or that some others would. - she also feels that though we've been together for 3 years there is too great a distance between us. I've proposed living together, but she believes that if we feel so distant, and uncomfortable where we are, living together would be a mistake. I asked her why she'd even want to continue, given all of the above, and her answer was that she was in-love with me, liked my creativeness, sense of humor, and felt I was a superior lover which is not something she believed she'd find easily.Now, I have to say, my perception is a little different. About the communication- we talk for a long time on various subjects. I've heard her speak for some hours on her friends at work, family issues, we've talked for a long time on ideas, some projects, things related to my own work. I always try to be a great listener- so I'm greatly disturbed by her feelings on this subject. What is it that I'm not getting???? I listen, ask questions...she stated that I sometimes have programed answers: for example if she mentions a friend who lost a job, I will inevitably say something about the economy...etc...in-other words I tend to say predictable things. I was totally unaware of this....About the distance, we're working on that by trying to spend more time together...the most disturbing thing is the communication aspect. How am I getting this wrong? Is it really something worth breaking up over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very kindly Yv. I'll leave an update in some weeks or months/ or days depending on how things go..
thank you!
A
female
reader, Y_v  +, writes (23 January 2011):
 Hey,
Okay the first thing that i thought when i saw this was problems of communication obviously... but this is comppletely normal within a long-term/distance relationship. Many women say things like this about their boyfriends but what really seperates you from the 'stereotypes' is how you respond to her feelings. Because you have been together for quite a while you'll begin to discover imperfections with each other and that is the main thing to get over.
The first place you could start with is to make her feel really loved.. e.g. spoiling her with flowers, movies, etc. I know it seems a very materialistic way of getting in but it's a way to soften her so that whatever you discuss later won't get her angry or hurt as quickly.
Also see her more often and seem more interested with what she is doing but ovbviously don't go into stalker mode.
Next have a long deep conversation about what she wants from you and do exactly that. I know you probably don't fancy going on about deep things but if you really want this to last you need to make an effort in adapting to her needs. AVOID making excuses to what she says, accept it then tell her you will do anything for her (making excuses may lead to disagreements).
It kinda sounds like she feels your trying to avoid the subjects that she wants to talk about, and that may make her feel ignored. I'm sure you're not ignoring her because you obviously care what she thinks.
Overall you just need to find EXACTLY what she wants from you and make her feel very wanted and spoilt. Also don't rush her by wanting her to move in. I know this sounds complicated but make her feel wanted but give her enough room to think and decide what she wants.
The key to a good listener is your response to what has been said.. funnily enough :)
Hope this helps.
Yv
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