A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For the ladies, Ive been with my babe for 4 going on 5 years and we had sex about 2 months ago and both lost our virginity to each other. Awesome!But the whole time we have been together I always (if not mostly) initiate our intimacy and as her man I don't mind one bit giving her every ounce of love and affection I can give her. But even sexually is it wrong to feel selfish and hope she'll initiate it? Like do women who actually jump on their man and actually take pride in pleasing them exist? Like she says she wants me to orgasm but that's not my only desire....Like I just want to feel wanted, to the point where she is begging for me and flirting with me like I do with her.It's annoying to have to ask "can I have a back rub?" "Can you make lunch when I get out of work?" (Which she hasn't ever). Like I'm tired of always having to start because subconsciously i'm thinking i'm the only one who wants it. So my energy dies and I go "soft". I mean do women in their 20s take care of their men that way or does it "kick in" after marriage? So like am I wrong in my thinking? How do I approach her in telling her i'm tired of always wanting it and that I want her to want me the same way? Is it because I don't turn her on? Or is it a long shot that she's going to be that type of girl who wants it or ..... Gosh I'm so confused. She tells me I'm hot all the time but she never acts on it. ..idk what to do...
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 June 2014):
Dear OP,
Yes, there are women who initiate sex and take pride in pleasuring men. BUT. Your girlfriend was a virgin two months ago and so were you, so chances are that you're both still very inexperienced and she didn't know how to please you and "jump on you" even if she wanted to. Plus, you're probably overwhelming her with your desire and your needs, so she doesn't feel like she needs to take initiative at all.
My advice is to give that girl some space, please. Be patient! If you keep chasing her, flirting with her, begging for sex, attention and little favors, you don't give her the slightest chance to figure out "oh..hm.. I would like to do something for my boyfriend..how could I possibly please him?" because you are already halfways on top of her, anyway.
My experience is that a lot of men have a faster pace. They want kisses and sex earlier and more often and this is overwhelming and taking away the wish to seduce, be sexy and make some effort. Relax!
And if your girl does something nice for you, thank her and appreciate it, instead of being disappointed it's not something even bigger. Learn to value the small gestures before you expect the big ones. For instance, if she gives you a kiss, be grateful for the kiss, instead of wishing it was a back massage. That way you won't be so dissatisfied and you'll see that your girlfriend maybe already makes an effort to please you.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (28 June 2014):
I have a few questions for you OP. First of all, am I right that you are saying you have only been having sex for 2 months? If so then it's still very new to both of you. If your girlfriend is in the same age bracket as you, she probably needs a bit more time to get used to being sexually active before she feels confident enough to start taking the lead like that.
Also, does she regularly reject you when you initiate it? If she is happy to have sex with you often, then it's probably just a confidence thing which will come with time. It might also be that you have different sex drives and she feels happy with the number of times you initiate and doesn't feel she needs any more. How often do you initiate/want sex? Have you tried holding back to see if she takes the lead?
Another thing to consider OP (and I mean no disrespect here) is how your foreplay skills are. Does she orgasm regularly? In my experience, many young men think that all women need is penetration to satisfy them, but this couldn't be further from the truth.
Most (I think I read 90% somewhere) women need quite a bit of manual and oral stimulation to get them to orgasm. Are you doing this for her? If not, it may be that she's not enjoying sex as much as you are. Real life is a lot different from porn films, particularly when you've just started to have sex. You will both need time to learn what you like and what you don't like, and build up the confidence to experiment and try new things.
"It's annoying to have to ask "can I have a back rub?" "Can you make lunch when I get out of work?" (Which she hasn't ever)."
You will need to ask her for what you want. Communication is a huge part of sex and there is no getting away from that because women are not mind readers. That will be the case with anyone you have sex with. Experience won't help, because what one person likes might do nothing for another. As for the lunch thing, why do you expect her to make you lunch? Do you live together? Do you make lunch for her? IF she were to make you lunch, it should be a treat, not because you believe you are entitled to it because she is your girlfriend.
On to my next question - do you watch porn? I ask because, honestly, it seems like you expect your girlfriend to act a bit like a porn actress. Like she should barely be able to control herself around you, tell you what a stud you are and wants to jump your bones the minute you get near her. I'm afraid I've never found that to be the case in real life. And if she is picking up on this from you, then she might be feeling pressured to 'perform' in a certain way which might kill her confidence.
You are not selfish for wanting to feel wanted at all, it just seems like you are maybe expecting a bit much from someone who is still very new to this. Also remember that she needs to feel loved, desired and wanted too, and NOT just sexually! Do you do nice romantic things for her and make her feel special? Or is your idea of doing that trying to initiate sex? Women are very different from men and they do not respond well to feeling like they are only there to provide sex.
When I was 17, my now ex boyfriend and I started to have sex and it basically ruined the relationship. I felt everything became about sex and he no longer wanted to talk to me much, go on dates or do any of the fun stuff we had done before as a couple. He was so excited that he finally 'got' to have sex, that it became all he was interested in and I felt like nothing more than a sex toy at times. While sex is a big part of a relationship, please make sure that you are not letting it take over everything else.
"So my energy dies and I go "soft". I mean do women in their 20s take care of their men that way or does it "kick in" after marriage?"
Nothing will ever 'kick in' after marriage. She is who she is, and if it's not a case of this being a nerves/confidence thing, then it could just be that she is not as sexual a person as you. I'm curious to know why you would think this would be the case? Some of your beliefs seem very old fashioned for a young man. It might just be the way you have worded it, but it seems like you expect her to 'service' your needs by making you food and behaving in a particular way sexually in order to please you. And you seem to think this is a given after marriage which certainly isn't the case.
People get married if they are happy with their partner as they are and they want to spend their lives with them, not because they think it gives them extra privileges. If you are not happy with your girlfriend and how sexual she is, then you shouldn't be with her. I'm just concerned that your expectations are a little high.
If your girlfriend rejects you often, or just lies there when you have sex (even when you are engaging in adequate foreplay as mentioned above), and is cold and not affectionate towards you at all, then I can see why you would be unhappy.
But if she's happy to have regular sex with you and seems to enjoy it, but just isn't behaving like the sex kitten you want her to be, then I think you need to readjust your expectations a little bit. Give her time to build up her confidence, show her what you like and encourage her to do the same, and above all communicate your desires to her, then you might find that she becomes more likely to initiate over time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): I have no idea what kind of sex you guys are having, and that may be important to this equation. You say you want her to jump on you and "take pride in pleasing you" - which makes this sound one way; you want sex done to you, not have sex with her. That would turn me off, too. Not saying that each partner shouldn't get special treatment every now and then, but if you just want her to please you over and over and you barely make an effort to please her ... sounds bad. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, however.
Only something like 25% of women get off on vaginal penetration only. Sticking things in and out of me can potentially hurt if I'm not already aroused. It's incredibly important to warm me up and get me aroused before actual sex happens. So: FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY. I'm in a long-term relationship and I don't exactly crave sex more than every week or so, BUT ... if my partner massages me sensually and gets me worked up, I'm very open to sex.
As for getting her to initiate, without any prompts? I can't say there's some magical way of that happening, I'm afraid. Women are conditioned not to be sexually aggressive from day one, and it may be so hard-coded in her that it may never happen. Maybe it's part of who she is now, and it might be best to either accept that or move on.
As for her wanting to do nice things for you, like making lunch or whatever, that's simply something you're going to have to communicate to her about, period. She can't read your mind (and she's certainly not your maid!) so you'll need to actually get across to her that you'd appreciate it if she did little things for you, and in return, you'd do little things for her.
And yes, YOU DO HAVE TO DO THINGS FOR HER, TOO. A girlfriend/wife is not a replacement for your mother. If you want a mom, go live with yours. If you want a relationship partner, realize that you only deserve what you give to her. You're equals. She's not your personal sex & sandwich machine. There is no age or level of commitment where that will ever be true.
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