A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Holy crap - it just dawned on me how much of a 'what label should I give it? - manipulative, narcissistic, controlling' - boyfriend he was to me at the time!Now I was no angel but looking back over the course of our relationship - it starts at the beginning, and I want to share my experiences and hopefully others will see and come to realise that they are in the wrong relationship!Still recovering from the break up, it's been about three weeks now. I did it girls, I pleaded for a second chance to 'fix' myself and make it work. But wow do I now know see more clearly and how wonderful is hindsight! Anyway, I'm still insecure from the relationSHIT with him and paranoid about maybe I'm being paranoid about the whole thing? I'm sure you're comments will tell me, either way, thanks for taking the time to read!Il bullet point it if possible chronologically:- he has read 'the Game' and employs tactics from it- on dates he is highly romantic, thoughtful, wants to know all about you, caring- tells you things you want to hear whether it's the truth or not (at this point to get me into bed)- you fall head first in love/lust- he tells you things about his past that stick uncomfortably in your mind - tells me how horrible my ex was to me and how much I should hate him even though I'm not a hateful person. 'But you should hate him he was controlling and abusive' - not really but made me doubt myself- the little comments about his ex being ' the one that got away until I met you' and then seeing communication with her over his shoulder - lies about communication with ex- tells me he lied because he didn't want to deal with confrontation- tells me he has the ability to manipulate poeple very easily but would never use it on me because it's not nice- needs someone to share rent so makes a big fuss about us moving in together after a few months and when I show doubt he tells me he loves me for the first time- uses my computer to look up his ex daily on facebook- tells me it's nothing, she doesn't mean anything, I live with you- tells me it's because she had a son, then a different time, it's because the relationship didn't end on 'his' terms, then that it's because she was a bitch to him and he's curious- tells me that I shouldn't feel the way I feel (insecure and anxious), convinces me that I need to see a therapist - that my ex must have messed me up (later tells me that he thinks therapy is for weak and feeble minded people LOL)- unfriend his ex 'just for me - are you happy? Now I look weak to her- this better be worth it' and then refriends her a couple of months later and tells me he loves me and only me when i finds out- continues to cyber stalk and when we argue about it, he sends her a message or email to get back at me for being upset over 'nothing'- tells me I'm paranoid and insecure over nothing when it comes to the ex. My anxiety over this is through the roof and also because I think I'm a freak and crazy for being insecure and he tells me it's all in my head so i feel paranoid now- tells me sex is becoming a chore (because I have a high sex drive)- tells me that I have put him on a pedestal and he tells me that I need to find hobbies or new friends because I am too focused on him and the relationship - tells me I'm worried all the time and that he should have seen all these red flags- I ask too many questions that he doesn't want to answer or tell me things or he lies or says - 'what do you want me to say?' Eh the truth please, not what I want to hear.- he cyber stalks his ex after I give him really good sex and BJ and we have a massive blow out because I saw it online in the history, something I never used to look at in previous relationships- after this argument he goes out with a friend, gets a girls number and cheats minutes after texting me to tell me he loves me- acts really strange when he returns so I check his phone after he falls asleep on couch, multiple cAlls to some girl he has put her name in his phone- I wake him up and ask him what happened. He immediately get angry shouting at me(still drunk ) and calling me names- that next morning , he calls me weak and pathetic and tells me he is disgusted with me but that he'll stay with me and put up with my behaviour because looks wise he might not do better than me- lies about the phone calls and makes some weird stupid explanation as to what happened- I push (because I'm not stupid) and he eventually tells me the truth- tells me he's NEVER considered cheating on a girl before but that I drove him to do it with my suspiciousness and snooping- we talk it out, I ask for honesty in the future and I forgive him - we are having a great night out with friends about a month later and I am laughing and happy because our relationship has been going well when he floors me telling me that yes he has cheated on his girlfriend before from years ago. But it wasn't his fault, the sex was bad. That he wouldn't cheat on me again, unless I push him to it again- move to his parents house to save money, he starts taking control of my finances under the guise of helping me but no nights out or holidays (unless he decides it's ok - which he does by deciding to go on a really expensive holiday the two of us to a place he's always wanted to go)- we argue, I'm not content because he's becoming less affectionate and he believes that I always pick at him over things we argue once a week at least because he loses his temper easily (I never will win an argument)- This goes on until one day he looks up his ex (this had stopped for the most part) everyday for three days - google searches, facebook and all the social media- I ask him if he's not over her and he denies it blablabla - we have the argument and he wants to go on a break- eventually he tells me he's not over her, she made him calm and relaxed - I make him anxious - tells me he needs space to figure it out- goes straight onto online dating sites when I leave the house (I snuck a look at his email) so I just dump him- he tells me he didn't really have strong feelings like he thought he did- still trying to get me to do free work for him but being rude and taking advantage of my generosity - he used my technical skills massively to his advantage over the two years)- some other things: tell me he loves me when he's feeling bad or guilty only, tells me that the greatest compliment he could give me was just to be with me, tells me that moving in together and getting a puppy together was to stop him from leaving me too easily, and that it would put me off kids and marriage for longer, talks about our wedding day and saving for a house then tells me not to expect it anytime soon, never asking me about myself - just talked a lot about himself or how stupid this or that person was. it goes on....I know you're all probably thinking - it's a onesided story and it is. It's my side. I was never anxious or insecure or snoopy to such a degree before. I know I have it in me but I genuinely believe that it started going crazy with him. I'm very emotionally intuitive, but the chemistry was so strong that I didn't want to listen to my gut. I did not feel safe or secure in that relationship, I know that he would have cheated again and have some excuse as to what made him do it.He told me at the very end, last conversation I had that he believed that he was "way up here" and that everyone else in the world was far below him. He believes that nobody else has the intelligence to meet his. And people just get in his way - he just wanted to be left alone. He told me he doesn't experience emotion or 'get it'. The guy works in a gym, he is smart but I don't know where he gets these delusions of grandeur. I mean he has an ok body but always believed that he was the most ripped etc (he wasn't) Anyway rant over. There's loads more I just exhauseted after that list. My disclaimer? I know snooping is wrong, very wrong, I let the anxiety take over completely. Funny thing is, in the three weeks we are broken up, I'm happier! I had deep wrinkles forming in my forehead that have smoothed out (WTF yes!) and I was smoking a pack a day, now I have a few and don't really enjoy them. Was I being paranoid?? I did feel moments of genuine love. And when it was good, it was really good!!! I know with all his exes, after the two month mark of them breaking up, he would go back to them pleading for a second chance and regretting his decision to break up. He openly told me that he would start crying as a form of manipulation to get them back (the man does not cry). I don't think he will do this to me because I know he is angry with me now because I know too much about him and what he is like. I just feel sorry for his next victim. Right now I'm hurt and angry (like I said when it was good, it felt like a dream - il miss that...)
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a break, drunk, facebook, his ex, insecure, money, my ex, needs space, sex drive, text, wedding Reply to this Article
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, crawldaddy  +, writes (1 July 2014):
Narcissism could be viewed as self esteem run amok but my sweet young everyone is a manipulator in some way or another from an overbearing ogre to the devious diva. Get to know you and grow. I'm just saying!
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 June 2014):
 What a great learning opportunity he has presented you with. Now you have positive proof of what you do not need in a partner.
He has developed great insight in you. Pity you had to suffer so much to learn these lessons.
Good luck with next time.
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