A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my girlfriend for a few months (we got together at the start of last year (and broke up until November).In early December she and her best friend came to stay at my place for the weekend. Her friend ended up getting very drunk and tried to sleep with me. I pushed her off and got my girlfriend to deal with her. I didn't fill her in with what had happened until the following day. I then texted her friend to let her know that it was all out in the open.My girlfriend was really upset, not so much about what had happened (her friend has apparently tried it on with other partners), but that I'd sent texts to her friend! We all sorted it out and put it down to drink. We even talked about meeting up again (with less alcohol!).I wanted to send her friend a Christmas card and present to say no hard feelings and actually asked my girlfriend if she'd pass it on when she saw her. She got very upset and claimed that it proved something had happened between us that night. Again we talked it through and everything seemed to settle down.Roll on a few months and my girlfriend's phone network was down. She asked me to text her friend to let her know as they usually talk most nights. I sent the text and then another later on when I didn't get a reply. When she finally responded she happened to say that she was helping a friend move house and I told her to watch her bad back, end of texts. Later on that day her friend sent me a text to ask if I was free in a couple of weeks for us all to get together. She'd already asked my partner and she was fine with it. We sent a few texts back and forth about the plans, again, nothing to it.The following day I said to my partner about the weekend plans and she was incredibly cold about the whole thing. Apparently I shouldn't have been texting her friend and it reopened all the trouble about Christmas.I've told my partner that I'm happy not to text her friend again and delete her from my phone, but she says that's an over-reaction. She then tells me that I don't understand how serious this all this and that I shouldn't have replied to her texts. I feel a bit lost in all this. Her friend came on to me and I stopped things before they started. Her friend texted me and I replied (I even offered to show my girlfriend the texts, but she didn't want to know). I don't want to be rude or upset her best friend, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do.Advice please, female perspective would be great (as a man I just don't get it).
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Sorry the title isn't the one I picked. I don't consider that I cheated on my partner.
I've already deleted her friend from my phone, all I can do is ignore it if she txts me. It just seemed such a huge over reaction to me. I can't see why this woman is her best friend given what's happened in the past. I also can't see why she's mad at me but not her friend.
A bit more background. Over the last month or so her friend and I have been arranging a surprise holiday for my partner's birthday. So we've had to txt and talk on the phone. I was always open with my partner about it (not to the extent of telling her what we were planning) and she was fine with this. It turns out her friend had blown the surprise, but my girlfriend knowing what we were doing, was happy for me to contact her friend.
Don't think I'll ever understand women!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): What's so hard about never contacting that friend again?
Look sit down with your girlfriend and establish some ground rules here. Tell her you never want to talk to her friend again, you don't want texts you don't want any contact with her at all. As other posters have suggested you need to put your foot down and take control here, your girlfriend is acting weird but it's all a control ploy. She doesn't like you being in contact with her friend but she wants you to figure this out yourself.
So basically sit down and tell your girlfriend that you're cutting her friend out of your life. Too much hassle being her friend, if your girlfriend says that's over the top then tell her "she doesn't realize how serious this is" if all that being in contact with this friend is creating issues then just cut her off. Your girlfriend can't have it both ways. She can't get pissy with you for having minor contact with this girl and not expect you to resolve it.
So cut the friend off and that's the end of this specific situation good luck on the future ones though. Your girlfriend sounds very insecure and illogically jealous, this is only the start of things like this, expect to have many more issues in the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Your gf is being a dick mate.Put your foot down and stop being so nice about this. You don't need to be unpleasant, but sometimes in a relationship the neccesary and right thing for one patner to do is pull the other up for being totally unreasonable.Tell her to get a grip and stop being so pathetic. If she's cold and moody just don't rise to it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 March 2011):
 First of all you didn't cheat with her BFF.
Secondly, I would sit her down and put my foot down about this. She needs to either dump her BFF or dump this whole "not trusting" business. you have done nothing ( that I can see) to make her not trust you, yet it's pretty darn clear that she doesn't trust you any further then she can throw you. Talk to your GF about trust and boundaries. What YOU both think is OK and not OK in a relationship. And ask her WHY she has so little faith/trust in you.
Personally, I would delete the BFF of my phone and stop having any contact with that girl. The BFF is loving all the drama she is creating, because that makes your GF come to her. Also, no cards or presents to the BFF.For someone who is that insecure (your GF)I can see how a card & present can look iffy.
I don't even get why your GF wants to have a BFF like that, she is clearly untrustworthy.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (11 March 2011):
A little friendly male advice. Your gf is insecure. Her cure is to hit you over the head each time she feels her insecurity come to the fore. Clearly this other woman is a trigger for your gf. Stop worrying about offending her friend and just keep the hell away from her --electronically and otherwise --if you want to have any peace. Also, don't ever send another woman a christmas gift and a card while your dating someone else (and ask your gf advice about it!). That's like walking into the police station and asking the cops how to break into the bank down the street. It's just not very smart. From your gf's point of view, that would strike me as you pushing her buttons. So, stop pushing your gf's buttons, stay away from this other woman, stop texting her for crying out loud, don't mention her to your gf again, and don't worry about offending anyone. Your gf's drunken horny girlfriend should not be your problem. Good luck.
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