A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice. Maybe from the guys who have experienced this, personally, but also from the girls who can possibly explain this phenomenon.I always feel like my gf has constant mood swings, especially around that time of the month, and completely takes it all out on me. That isn't my problem, as that's something I've just kinda grown accustomed to as I've gotten older and learned more about women. My dad used to say "son, you can either be happy or you can be right." Very wise words. I now understand them, and I choose to be happy. My problem isn't the mood swings. I know how to deal with them just fine. My problem is that she can have them all she wants - any amount and at any time - and be really angry and pissed off and take it all out on me, and I just take it and deal with it. But the moment I have ONE bad day myself, it's the end of the world. Why is that? How is that fair?Of course, not all women get moody, as I've dated a few who rarely ever did. But the majority of the women I've dated do. And my current gf? Lord Almighty. Lol. We both joke about her mood swings and say god forbid the day if we ever wind up having kids. That she might actually murder me. I mean, last week, she got so angry, that I actually had to lie to these poor people at a restaurant and tell them that she was pregnant. What happened was that I went over after class to her apartment and from the moment I walked in the door, I knew I was in for it. She was just angry at my very existence. I asked what she wanted for dinner, hoping food would cheer her up, and make my chances of a good night more probable. She said she wanted take out from a local restaurant. I looked up their hours and told her that they were literally about to close so we would have to do that another night, and what did she want instead? I told her I would make her whatever she wanted. She didn't even have to respond. The look on her face was enough and I knew instantly that if I didn't get this woman what she wanted, that my chances of a remotely decent night would be completely ruined. So I ran out and called the restaurant. I asked them to please god stay open an extra few minutes just so I could pick something up for my 'pregnant girlfriend' who was craving it. How else could I explain it?? They felt sorry for me and they did and I tipped them twenty extra bucks for the inconvenience. When I called her and told her I got the food, suddenly her WHOLE mood changed. she was laughing and saying how sorry she was for how cranky she can get sometimes. And how I'm such a wonderful bf, and how much she loves me, etc. It was like a whole new woman! Over FOOD! God forbid, if I didn't get that food?? It would have been over for me. We laughed about the whole situation afterwards and had a great night together. She just gets like that sometimes, though. And I always try to be understanding and patient My point being, this is the kind of stuff I'm used to. Of course, this isn't always how bad it is. This was one of her worst times. But I get it. She can't help it; it's hormones. I just deal with it. It's fine. But tonight, I had a really stressful night, as I'm a med student and life can be stressful sometimes. I probably snapped just a little at her. Nothing like how she snaps at me. But nonetheless, it was a little snap. I even called back less than ten minutes later attempting to apologize, realizing I had probably overreacted. But at that point, it was the end of the world! She's yelling, telling me that I had no right to get snappy and frustrated at her and that she did nothing wrong to deserve it (like I do those hundred other times she snaps at me for no reason). Then she starts saying she's not going on the vacation with me tomorrow that we've had planned, all because I'm being an asshole, etc. I then have to spend the next two hours trying to apologize for snapping and to get her to agree to go still go with me. How does this happen? How do women do this? How can it be that when she's moody and cranky and having a bad day, I'm the one smoothing things over and being supportive - and yet when I'm the one who is moody and cranky and having a bad day, I'm still the one smoothing things over and being supportive? She can have free reign to have mood swings all she wants, but the moment I have one - ONE - it's like the world is ending and I'm a bad bf.Why is this? I'm just curious. I don't get it. Shouldn't I be entitled to a bad night every once in a while? I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for listening to my rant. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 This isnt being hormonal, its being spoilt, peevish and difficult just to get her way. This is NOT how women behave during PMS.
By catering to her mood swings and tolerating her behavior, you're just encouraging her to misbehave even more with you because she knows that the second she throws a tantrum, you'll do your best to pacify her and she gets her way. She tried it once-it worked. Then she tried it again...and again...and each time you did your best to make her fee good. True, hormones can make a woman miserable but what your G/f is doing is that she's just using it as an excuse to misbehave and get her way.
Some people don't understand goodness and they misconstrue it as a sign of weakness. That's what your G/f is doing with you. She's just making you grovel and dance to her tunes and then blaming it on hormones when in reality she's just plain and simple spoilt. How you tolerate her is beyond me!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): You're a medical student. You should know how far hormones go and how much is just an anger-management problem. You have a passive personality, and she has an aggressive personality.
She is manipulative and mean; so she takes advantage of your good-nature. She has learned from the time she was a little girl how she gets her way by throwing tantrums. You go over-board by trying to smooth things over and dismissing her bad behavior. Thereby reinforcing that it's okay.
You're taking your father's whimsical advice far too literally. You have a manipulative female on your hands. She goes ballistic to keep you in-line, and she is far too aggressive to be calm and understanding when it's your turn to express your emotions.
You are a prince of a guy. You are very fair, level-headed, but you're also a wimp. You rationalize her behavior; because you care so much for her in spite of her temperamental-ways. I would never marry anyone like her.
I am gay. I had a partner for 28 years. He was a Type-A personality, and a lawyer by profession. He had a humungous ego and could always turn an argument around by using his legal technique to manipulate an exchange of opinion. I never allowed that to end without calling it out for what it was. I used to yield to his arrogance, and retreat feeling stupid and embarrassed for it. A light bulb went off. That was exactly what he wanted!!! Oh, I changed the game-plan!
I would tell him there is no way on God's green earth, he was always right and I'm always wrong. If that be the case, I'll leave him in all his grand perfection, and find someone stupid and always wrong like me. Then ended each argument by suggesting; when he came down off his soapbox, we'll discuss it like two adults. I not only left the room, I left the house. The space between us gave us time to think, cool-off, and regain composure. I returned an hour or so later, and the tension in the air had subsided. We wanted to talk, not yell at each other. If he still had a pissy mood, I quietly retreated to another room and closed the door. I refused to be intimidated by his bullying. I took a stance. I was scared to death of his rage, and nervously trembling while in that room; but I made my point.
I worked on this pompous attitude just little by little.
Not allowing him to interrupt when I was speaking, never raising my voice, and asking that I not be spoken to in condescending tones. You, my man, have to grow the nuggets to do the same; and stop walking on egg-shells.
When they see we've changed, they change. I have my mother's Native American spirit, and I might be easy-going by nature; but I don't take crap from anybody. That's what you'll have to do, if you want to keep your relationship balanced. I have as much right to fly into bitch-mode as anybody else. Women like your girlfriend send men to an early grave. They raise your blood-pressure, and emasculate you. You don't change it by reflecting their behavior, but by setting a better example; and not allowing them to bully us. You have a strange perception of PMS. It may make women irritable, but it doesn't linger and flair-up every other hour.
I would say you are unmatched and incompatible. That she has issues that require her own introspection; and she has to learn self-control. You timidly avoid constructive criticism and frank discussion necessary to nurture and cultivate a your relationship. You spend all your time catering to the "beast." Hormones are only a few days a month; the rest is the "spoiled-child." You are a passive personality, someone as I was in my earlier years into my relationship. I was intimidated by my partner's flair for words and his articulate manner. He was aggressive and took advantage; until I balanced the situation.
If he got miffed, too freaking bad. I lived there too. No way was I going to let anyone cut me off at the knees, and steamroll their way over me. You'll have to grow your own nuggets and let her know your relationship is unbalanced and you feel it's time it should be fixed; or you should explore your options.
No communication about your feelings will lead to a tragic ending to the relationship. It's inevitable.
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A
female
reader, bunnymommy2k35  +, writes (6 June 2014):
another blame the hormones girl grr ye we get grouchy but i dont take it out on anyone dont grovel tell her how she maked u feel u deserve better than a moody stroppy mare who blames her out of order behaviour on pmt pfffft good luck hun xx
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (6 June 2014):
 I agree with the other ladies. She can't blame all this on her hormones. Hormones don't suddenly change because the right food arrives, for example. That example you gave is manipulative behaviour, and she is being rewarded for it.
I suggest you start responding differently. When you spot that she's in one of these moods, don't cater to it. I am not suggesting you start an argument, but just leave her be, go and do your own thing and tell her "we can spend time together when you're feeling better". Let the "mood swing" pass and explain to her that you're not happy being around her when she behaves the way she does. Perhaps she'll learn that it's not acceptable, and she won't be rewarded for behaving like that.
Might sound harsh, but I don't buy that this is all hormonal, and I think she could and should have more self-control. I mean, I work with upteen women and if we all acted the way your GF does, the department would have exploded by now! A visit to the doctor would be a good idea either way, but I don't know how on earth you're going to survive suggesting it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 Yep, "industrial-strength PMS" is hard to deal with. nut, ust be thankful you don't have to deal with the other stuf she has to deal with(no details needed). It's best to just hug her gently and keep your thoughts to yourself. And no you don't deserve to act out and be an idiot in retaliation..It's mother nature deal with it and shut up. Sorry for being blunt but trying to help is not a gentle thing sometimes.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (6 June 2014):
 I totally agree with Honeypie.
As a woman, you know you get moody. You can feel it boiling up inside you, totally silly irrational arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
But hormones, although a pain in the bum are NOT an excuse for being rude all the time, being demanding, taking anger out on others, and generally being a bit of a moo.
If I end up grumpy or snappy at my boyfriend, I always feel so bad as soon as the words have left my mouth. I know it is mean as soon as I open my mouth and instantly regret it. I cry because I hate myself for being horrid.
So, as a woman it is my responsibility to act like a grown up and control my emotional outbursts and NOT take it out on my nearest and dearest.
At the moment, you sound like you are being an incredibly patient and caring boyfriend, and I really do salute you for that. BUT she needs to realise that her behaviour is not acceptable. Yes, women get hormonal. But that is not an excuse to take it out on the world. If all of us did that, the world would come to a grinding halt as every ovulating female stomped her feet and refused to do anything.
Sometimes you just have to get on with things, and no matter if you do want to punch the next person you see, you smile sweetly, grit your teeth and mentally strangle them in your head.
You deserve better treatment than she is giving you - I think it is time to stand up to her and tell her she is acting like a prima-donna. She won't like it, but if she carries on like this, one day she just might blow up at the wrong person, and end up in a lot of trouble. "hormones" doesn't really count as an excuse in the eyes of the law.
Hormonal birth control can wreak havoc with your emotional systems. It turned me into a suicidal wreck when I was taking it - literally turned from a bubbly person into someone who couldn't see the point in anything. It could be that she needs to speak to the doctor to try and find something that can calm these outbursts, which will make YOU and HER happier in the long run.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2014):
 How is it fair? It's not.
So that is pretty simple.
YOU have hormones too you know. So the whole she has hormones is a sucktastic excuse.
Is she on Birth-control? Has she seen her doctor about these mood swings? I'm saying this because SOME birth-control pills/patch can make mood swings worse, some can help make them better - it's not the intention of the pill/patch but a side effect.
Have you TALKED to her when she isn't in a foul mood about this? Do you even "dare" bring it up?
Have you considered that when you CATER to this primadonna attitude? YOU are enabling her full on.
I'm a female and yes, I have mood swings. I'm however, pretty good at knowing when I feel extra snappy. I use the count to 10 method a LOT those days. Which means BEFORE I GO OFF on my husband and kids I count to 10. It's not just hormones that makes people snap. Sometimes it's stress, financial problems, depression, other people's ignorance and so forth. I was pretty much mood-free before I had kids..
The calling and spending 2 hours apologizing for snapping at her? THAT is your relationship. She can just LAUGH her outburst off, but you have to grovel.
She throws fits. You snapped at her, it HAPPENS in relationships but learning to be more AWARE of how you talk to a partner is a good idea.
I would have told her, OK then don't come on holiday with her, I'll go alone. Because frankly it's ridiculous that I HAVE to walk on eggshells when you are moody, but the moment I have an outburst you throw yourself a fit like a 3 year old at the candy aisle.
You two need to learn how to communicate better. MUCH better.
I would start by asking her WHAT she think YOU should do when she pitches a fit (or become moody, call it whatever you like). Personally, I would WALK away. Give that person some space and not ACCEPT the fits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): It's called 'Double Standards'.
She sounds 'spoilt' rather than cursed with PMT.
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