A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:my cousin recently got out of prison. he was there 3 years for sexual abuse. he is like a best friend to me. he is 26, and im 14. everytime i even sit near him my mom practicley yells at me! she thinks he would do something to me but i believe he won't! how do i get my mom to understand that he is like a bff to me???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): I'm going to be brutally honest with you. If you go on ANY "teen chat" site that allows webcams (and even some that don't) and make it clear you are "12 or 13", you would not believe the number of MEN, some single and some married with kids, who will message you to talk about sexual things. These men are doctors, teachers, plumbers, bin men, dentists - a wide variety of people - and they just troll the child/teen chat rooms for children and young teens who would go on webcam and do things to let this guy (with his genitals already on show) tell them what to do. If you act naive, like you don't know what sex is and such, they will still prey on you and make you feel like you can talk to them about your body and how "boys your age are silly".This is why you need to be careful with anyone who is an adult when you're under 18, even family members, if they are sex abusers. Would you sit next to someone who went to prison for battering someone? I hope not, but that's what your cousin did and what your mum is trying to protect you from. You're lucky your mum lets you see him, so PLEASE just listen to her and not make a fuss; you'll understand in a few years, especially if he does it again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): "disliking my COUSIN for no reason"
Being a convicted sex offender is a pretty damn good reason to dislike someone.
Oh and I'm sure his victim was 100% sure he'd never hurt them too, and look at how that worked out.
You can't get your mom to understand anything because you're the one who doesn't understand the risk he is to you.
Best of luck, OP, I'm sure he convinced his victim(s) he was their bff too.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (7 June 2014):
 You need to see the reality of this situation.
Your cousin sexually abused someone, presumably an underage girl. For that reason your mother does not want him near you for your own protection in case he does the same to you. He may see a nice guy and friendly to you, but that's what the victim of his abuse thought until it was too late.
Sexual abusers like your cousin use the pretence of friendliness to take advantage of vulnerable young girls like yourself. The fact he went to jail shows he has done that to someone else. No doubt he used his friendly act to gain the trust of the poor person he abused. If your not sure what sexual abuse is, let me put it to you bluntly...raping children. You might think sexual abuse against someone is carried out by a dirty, sweaty, horrid man who uses violence and is nasty towards his victim, but that's not usually the case. Most paedophiles (child abusers) act as if they are special friends with their victims to stop the victim from telling anyone and to make it seem "alright" when it is not.
He may make you feel like he is a special friend or a loving family member but he is a sexual abuser, basically a rapist, that's why he went to jail for three years. Your mom knows as an adult that your cousin is a danger to children like you and doesn't want him doing anything to hurt you.
You are very young and clearly still very naïve. Of course he will deny that he was guilty of the crime he was sent to prison for to you because you are young and will believe him. The adults in the family know he is guilty because of the evidence, his behaviour and the fact that certain grown up things will have been checked and rechecked before he could even consider being sent to jail. The adults know he is guilty. Nobody goes to jail for sexual abuse unless there is almost no doubt they are guilty. You like him, look up to him and see him as a friend so you want to see him as innocent. He is not.
" disliking my COUSIN for no reason isn't accepted in my family"
Its not about dislikeing him, its about protecting yourself. I've got a friend who was fired from his job for stealing money. I like him, get on well with him, but I wouldn't trust him near my money. Same with your cousin, you need to accept that he is a danger to a young, innocent girl like yourself and accept that you need to stay away from him. Its not for no reason, its because he has done some things so terrible, so evil and yet you are too young to understand. The person or people he sexually abused will never get over what he did to them. That person, or persons, will maybe never be able to have a proper relationship with a man every again, will spend a lifetime devastated and unable to come to terms with what someone they thought was a friend did to them and their bodies.
A girl I grew up with was sexually abused by someone, just as your cousin has abused a victim. That poor girl took her own life as she couldn't deal with the violation of her body and emotions when she was 24. Your cousin is guilty of a terrible crime, one which in a way is like an illness. It becomes a need, a desire, almost like trying to stop smoking it becomes hard for an abuser to stop doing it again and again.
Your mom knows more about life than you do, you are still very much a child, she is an adult so listen to her. I know your at an age of wanting to do your own thing, be rebellious or getting fed up of being told what to do by your mom, but in this instance its for your own good.
Adult men have to follow a rule - not to be friends with someone who is a child. Doing so is seen as inappropriate and can lead to awkward questions being asked. There is no way I, as a grown man, would have a 13 year old girl as a friend. No way. It wouldn't be right for many reason you wont yet fully understand. If this cousin of yours is trying to act like he is your friend when he is 26 and you are 14 then that's not allowed as it means something is wrong. He has ben friends with a young girl before and it got him sent to prison, so why would he do that again to you now unless he had a motive, a hidden agenda?
You are at an age where you need to have your wits about you. There are lots of men who try to be friends with girls your age but they are not a real friend. They are using the friendship as an excuse to gain your trust so they can do things to you they shouldn't. Its called grooming. He has done this before, that's why you must stay away.
Yes your gran may be in the room, but your mom is worried in case he starts contacting you via social media or text without her knowledge.
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2014): Please read this: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-understand-what-this-teacher-is-doing.htmlSomething similar to this is the very least your cousin could have done to begin his path to being classed as a sex offender. He took advantage of, or even preyed on, girls/women. It's sick. Just because he's your cousin and your "BFF" doesn't mean he wouldn't think of you like he's thought of others.I know you love your cousin, but he has a long way to prove that he's changed. YOU need to stop trusting him until he's proven he's not the same guy anymore - he definitely hasn't had the chance to do that yet, so please don't convince yourself he has.If my cousin nastily abused someone and used their vulnerability against them, I would still love them and talk to them, but I wouldn't trust them as though nothing had happened. That's all your mother is trying to do. She's trying to show you that you can't automatically be cosy like you used to be when someone has done something awful. You NEED to accept that because you're treating your mother like the enemy, like she's wrong for worrying about how easily you're trusting a sex offender - family or not. You have to listen to her and keep your distance from him. Talk to him and hug him hello/goodbye, but research sexual abuse/abusers and come to terms with WHY your mum HAS to protect you if you refuse to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): Because you're grandma physically wouldn't beable to stop him if he were to try anything. Maybe his victims were around your age! Stop being so silly and gooey eyed about him, he's nto all that, he's obviously a bit of a creep even if you can't see it!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2014):
 the only reason she even allows him in the house is because he's a cousin.
trust me as a mother if there was no reason to have my young teen daughter around a sex offender I would not have my child near the man.
20 years from now you will understand. Right now your job is to trust your mother.
do you know what his charges were? my ex BIL went to jail as a SO for having sex with a 14 yr old girl who swore she was 18... the law did NOT care that he THOUGHT she was 18.
CHILDREN (and at 14 you are still a child) can't make decisions for themselves about things that might endanger them... that's what parents are for.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 You are young and naive. You think that just because this man who is 12 years older than you is nice to you NOW, it means he will always be your friend and never lay a hand on you. In reality, men who are 26 are not best friends with 14 year olds. He might be treating you like a friend, and I am sure that you see him as absolutely nothing more than a friend.
But in the eyes of a predator, you are a very easy prey. You need to remember your age and your vulnerability. If, heaven forbid, your cousin got you on your own and sexually abused you, you would be so terrified of him you wouldn't tell anyone. And he's tell you that because you and him are such good friends, you should keep it a secret. He might even convince you that you were in love and did it out of your own free will.
Adult men befriending young girls? It's called grooming.
Now, this man might be honest in his intentions, and is just friendly with you. But getting to close to him is not worth the risk of having your life ruined. Sexual abuse does something to you.. it's not just like getting your fingers slapped. Sexual abuse steals away your life. You need to learn how to protect yourself, and not be so naive. And until you know how to protect yourself from predators, your mom is doing and excellent job at keeping you safe.
Do not spend time alone with this man. A 26 year old adult does not have much in common with a 14 year old girl. He might be friendly, but he is not your best friend. Like I said, I am sure to you he is a good friend, but in HIS eyes, you are a very young and naive girl... If he got you alone it wouldn't be much effort to do whatever he wants with you and keep you quiet about it to. Watch yourself. You don't want him that close.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 I have to agree with the other ladies, your mom is not disliking him for no reason, she is disliking him for a very good reason. The reason is that he spent 3 years in jail for sexual abuse, and as a mom she is NOT happy of seeing that her daughter has a best friend who is an ex-con that did time for that specific and heinous kind of crime. Maybe, not unreasonably, as a mom she would like to see her daughter making friends with a different type of person. Whether he is ever given the chance to lay a finger on you or not, and whether he would take advantage of this chance or not. Which we don't know of course, but which is anyway something that no mother in her right mind would be willing to take a risk, or make a bet on.
Actually, I think your mom is a kind ,warm and compassionate woman, she obviously thinks that your cousin has already paid his debt to society so he does not need any further punishment, and that everybody deserves a second chance etc.
All very nice and in theory I commend her- in practice, , if I have to be honest... if you were MY daughter, your cousin would not be allowed to darken the threshold of my door, until you live with me.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 June 2014):
 And to your mom, it's not disliking him for no reason. There's a darn good cause here. This man sexually abused someone. That's a horrible thing to do. So don't downplay that.
I wouldn't care if they were family or not, if someone I knew got out of prison for that charge and approached MY (hypothetical) children, I'd do just as honeypie said, also. I would NEVER let them near my kids.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 June 2014):
You don't. It's your mothers job to protect you at all costs and that's what she's doing. You'll understand some day.
Maybe you two are just legit close friends. However, you're still very young and your mom knows best. Listen to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd, in my family, everyone is friends with everyone. disliking my COUSIN for no reason isn't accepted in my family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd also, my grandma and sister are in a room with me if he is there so i've never EVER been alone with him, and i never will be. so, its like being on a field trip. so, idk why my mom is so protective even with my grandma right beside me
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2014):
 Honey, no one goes to prison for sexual abuse UNLESS they COMMITTED it towards someone ELSE.
IF he was in prison for ABUSING someone else then your MOM is only trying to protect you and if I were you.. and if YOU had an ounce of smarts YOU would stay away from him.
I would say the same to ANY of my 3 daughters. I would probably show him my LOVELY shotgun, just to make it clear what I'm ready to do if he comes near my kids.
IF he was CONVICTED of SEXUAL ABUSE then he WAS GUILTY. People don't just stop being sexual predators. And being RELATED doesn't mean SQUAT to an abuser.
Listen to your momma! And find kids your OWN age to befriend.
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