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writes:How to deal with a suspected Borderline Personality Disorder son-in-lawOur daughter lives in Ireland with her Irish boyfriend who for the past 6 years has been very hostile with us. He has now cut off relationships with us.The last tantrum was about his insistence that I who live in a Mediterranean island should find employemnt for my daughter in Ireland. He is 37 just like my daughter and they are both unemployed with a 3 year old daughter.He is often moody, talks far too much, does not allow our daughter to ever be on her own with us, and has unreasonable expectations about his future as he has no qualifications and does not get on well with people.We only see them twice a year but now relations are broken. He is often rude, aggressive, critical of everyone except himself, and only interested in his own welfare.When I suggested he gets counselling, he became ballistic and cut off relations. My daughter has a weak character and nothing we tell her makes any impact on her. She depends totally on her controlling partner. He refuses any help we offer for the sake of their lovely daughter who has no future in this dysfunctional relationship.Where does one go from here? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): It appears the two answers you got are the only answers you got. Your response is fair, but sorry no one bothered to respond but the two of us. Perhaps the others knew better. For the most part readers appreciate my help. Sorry I couldn't be of help to you. I stand by the advice I provided, and second that given by bunnymummy2k35.
Good luck to you!
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reader, j127 +, writes (22 August 2014):
j127 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoth answers are not helpful at all. WiseOwl likes to pontificate and pass judgement and accuse other of doing so. BPD sufferers rarely get diagnosed because they are convinced that they have no problems and it is other that have a personality disorder. So please do not devalue your advise by condemning anyone who asks for help.
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reader, bunnymommy2k35 +, writes (6 June 2014):
i have a professional diagnosis of b.p.d this does not sound like the symptoms the guy obviously has some issues but i think all u can do is be there if all fails sometimes we have to let people make their own mistakes xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): Suspected Borderline Personality Disorder? Is this a professional diagnosis; or what you believe to be the case?
First off, you don't have to leave it all up to them to visit you. You find a nearby hotel, and you visit your daughter and grandchild whenever you like. You let your daughter know ahead when you're coming. You don't have to take no for an answer; unless you tend to argue and criticize her marriage a lot. That being the case, don't wonder why they don't wish to see you.
You blame everything on your son-in-law; but your daughter does have a mind of her own. My suspicion is that she has her own emotional problems, and you all have unresolved family issues in general. I wonder if your relationship with your daughter wasn't that strong to begin with? If you showed strong disapproval of her mate from the very beginning; you may have been part of the reason she has distanced herself from you. If you've been critical of her most of her life; don't be surprised she has reached her saturation point with you.
She is in a co-dependent relationship. Your dislike for her husband places her in defense-mode. In her mind, she is protecting her family from you; and she is being loyal to her spouse. You claim she is weak. We have no way of knowing if this is true, or just your opinion.
I know when people write DC they give their side of an issue; often leaving out a lot of details that are often vital to making a fair assessment of their problem. Not getting their account of the situation, only leaves a lot of questions unanswered.
There is very little to nothing you can do if you don't have proof that all this is due to some mental disorder. You almost imply that he is holding your daughter against her will, and I don't think that is the case. I think she doesn't like your opinion of her husband, no matter what his mental state is. Your suggestion that he get help may have been offered through anger. It was to add insult to injury. Anyone would take offense under the circumstances.
They are both unemployed, and struggle to survive. You fault him for it all.
They are under extreme financial distress. All you have to offer is your criticism and disdain for your son-in-law.
I don't dismiss your concerns for your daughter in the least. She is a grown woman and it's up to her how to handle her husband. Your best way to deal is to apologize for offending him. Unless you are a licensed mental-health professional, don't offer your medical opinion. Unless she comes to you for marital advice, reserve your negative opinions.
Your approach has to change. You have to be inclusive; whether you like it or not. You have to stop being openly judgmental. You may have him figured out down to the last detail; but he's still your daughter's husband. She has the power to allow you near her family. It's not just left up to him as you want to believe.
At some point, she will become disillusioned with the dysfunction in her marriage. Let her be the one to reach that conclusion. Remain supportive and offer an olive branch. You are in no position to be aggressive. You are parents, and you will be over-protective out of instinct; but that has not yielded you the results you're looking for.
She's too old to allow you to make decisions for her, and your set opinions of her husband has brought you to this point. You are estranged from your daughter.
You son-in-law is a total jerk. That is unfortunate. It appears your daughter has made her choice; and there is very little you can do about that. You get a lot more bees with honey. Change your attitude toward your son-in-law, and he may change his attitude toward you.
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