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*ownByOne
writes: Dear Cupid,I'd been dating a fantastic girl for over a year when she dumped me last week. Things have been difficult for a few months as I had a new job and she was in the run-up to her final exams at university. Yesterday I discovered she's been seeing my best friend regularly behind my back since Christmas, and I'm completely gutted.I've done everything I could for her since we got together. All her friends said I was a great boyfriend. And then this!The strange thing is that, as much as I hate him, I can't bring myself to feel the same way about her. I feel like I want to be her friend and I can't understand why.Is revenge a good thing? Should I tell everyone we know what they've done to me? Why do I want to be her friend?Thanks.
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best friend, christmas, revenge, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): i have kinda the same problem...you feel like kicking the crap out of him but not her. youd take her back no problems, even tho you know she has slept with him etc...shell soon find out what she is missing,it seems tht the only hitng your best mate wants with you g/f is sex
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (10 June 2005):
 You can't get mad at her because you feel guilty. You blame yourself for her leaving. Wake up! You did not put her in your best friend's bed. She did that herself and she went willingly and happily. She made that choice. You did not drive her to do anything. She should have had the guts to tell you it's over before you laid eyes on another guy. You had nothing to do with it. So get at least that out of your head. The rest will heal with time.
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reader, Angel-lee +, writes (10 June 2005):
Dont get revenge. It never works and it only comes back to nip you in the butt at the end of it. She isnt worth it by the sounds of it. The reason she is doing it is probably because she knows you will take her back. Dont give in this time. Next time she gets in contact ,tries to call, comes round your house, anything!! Ignore it. Go out with your friends, i know its hard but it will work. She will be crawling back in no time. Give her a run for her money, if she isnt bothered by the end of it, she defonately isnt worth it and hopefully by that time you would have met someone who actually cares about you and would never hurt you. What she has done is wrong, she has got no morals. Dont let her walk all over you. Show her that you dont need her, she will be gob smacked. Sometimes you have to do things that she wont expect, she will be so shocked that your not taking any rubbish from her she will want you back like crazy. But hopefully by that time you would have realised that she isnt worth your time. And to me it sounds like her and your ex best frind are made for eachother. Let them get on with it. Saddo's!!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 June 2005):
 It's curious that you describe this girl as "fantastic" in the first line of your question, considering how badly she treated you. She wasn't really very fantastic, was she?
Give the revenge a miss; it won't actually make you feel better and in the long run, "everyone you know" will be embarrassed for you if you "tell all". You'll only diminish yourself in the eyes of your friends and knowing all the sordid details will only make them uncomfortable.
I suggest that you're still in denial about the whole cascade of events and that's why you can hate him, but not her. Now that she's dumped you, and she'll probably feel like she can be seen in public with the other guy, you'll eventually see them together. After that, I suspect that the blinkers will be off and you'll be pretty mad at her too. Sometimes it just takes time to accept the reality of these sudden shocks.
Her treating you badly isn't a reflection on you, and that's what you have to remember. You're still the same good man that you've always been, but you've been mistreated by someone you thought cared about you. Try to remind yourself of this fact, so that you can accept the new reality. The sooner you allow yourself to feel the anger and hurt - that's a natural reaction - the sooner you can start to heal. Pretending that you're not hurt is a lie, and it makes getting over it that much harder. It's like watching your life blood pumping out all over the floor and saying "No, no, I'm fine. I'm good." It looks strong, but it doesn't help you.
One constructive way to deal with this is to write her a long letter, expressing your hurt and shock and anger. Go nuts. Use expletives. Use too many exclamation marks!!!!!!! Call her rude names. Make nasty insinuations about her ancestry. Really purge yourself.
This is not a letter you post! After you've dumped everything you can think of into the letter, burn it ceremonially. It helps! Honestly.
Then treat yourself gently for a while. Hang out with friends, go fun places in your spare time. Just enjoy the good things about your life until you feel better (which you will).
Take care.
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