A
male
age
41-50,
*B
writes:Alright, I've been cheated on before (literally caught her in the "act of"). So, when you have a girl tell you, "You mean the world to me," it can sometimes take a little while before you actually believe them. In saying that, I'd like to get some advice / opinions on my new relationship. Before I get started, from reading the previous statement you know I already have trust issues when it comes to women. I'm 27 yrs old, and I've had a girlfriends / partners (excluding all the details). Although, I've only had a few (2 -3) really serious or long term relationships. However, the current relationship I'm in, at times couldn't possibly be any better! As I'm sure is the same for most newly found relationships. It has everything you'd look for, common interests, personalities, sense of humor, taste in music, movies, etc. In saying all that, there have been a couple arguments along the way that have spawned from her past. If it was just that, her past, then I'd be able to deal with this whole situation much better. We've now been dating pretty serious (actually seeing that a long term future together is possible) for about 6 months. About 1 month into it, we were at my house and she received a few text msgs, read them then nonchalantly laid her phone back down. Naturally, when she doesn't make a comment after reading a few msgs (in front of me) and as well as not responding to either, it made me a wonder who it was. It was nothing major, but after a some of our previous conversations, the more I thought about it, my curiosity got the best of me. So a couple days later, I looked through her phone. I know that may not have been the right thing to do, however I'd rather be safe than sorry and know what I'm getting into at the beginning of the relationship than find out something I didn't want to find out later down the road. Sure enough, it was from her ex boyfriend, but not just any ex-boyfriend, this guy is married!?!? I later came to find out she had an affair with him for about 6 - 8 months, which he kept telling her he was going to leave his wife, but never did. They met through mutual friends, over time one thing led to another, and boom there it was ...a full blown affair. Well, supposedly they had cut all ties (except for the occasional call / txt to see how each other were doing) a couple of months before I met her , reason being he wouldn't leave his wife . Well, when I looked at her phone a couple days later, I went back to that date and time to see what was said. He said, "It was good talking to you too, I need to see ya soon!" "All day every day" ...That was it?! I let it go, because that could have meant anything and I didn't want to ruin a good thing over something insignificant. Over the next month or so, we spent 4 - 6 days a week together, and every once in a while she'd get a random txt msg, but would barely acknowledge it. After some time, I decided to look at her phone again. She had been staying with me pretty much every single night, so I waited until she went to sleep to do so, ...and WOW?! I went through the history of her calls, I see that they have continued to talk a couple times per day since that txt msg. They didn't talk every day, but I'd say it was at least 5 - 6 days per week with the average phone call being 5 - 15 min. Never looked very substantial, but damn sure enough to peak my curiosity! Finally, I confronted her with it as well. I asked her if she'd talked to him recently, and if so how long ago. She responded relatively quick and said "I haven't talked to him in a while." So, I asked her again. I said, "Be honest, are you sure you haven't talked to him ANY time recently?" And again, she said "Na, not that I can remember." This went back and forth for a little while until I finally just said, "I know you've talked to him and I know you're lying about doing so, because I've looked through your phone!" Instead of getting mad, she just hung her and head then looked away. Then she said, "there's nothing going on between us, we're just good friends still, so that's the only reason we still talk, plus he knows I'm with you. I didn't want to tell you because I know there is nothing to it, and I knew you'd think there was more to it. I'm with you, and you only. I'll even tell him I'm not going to talk to him any more because I want you to know I'm 100 % in on us!" So she did, she meet him at bar and grill type restaurant and even told me I could come if I wanted to. I declined, and said I was just happy she was doing that for me. I told her that she didn't have to stop talking to him altogether because I know they're friends. I just didn't want her to "hide" it if and when she does! I haven't had any issues with that since then, and we've continuously been on the "up and up." However, just because my curiosity gets the best of me at times, I decided to go back and look in her phone again, just to see if she'd been talking to him. Low and behold, I saw 2 calls received from his # last just a few days ago. So just out of the blue I decided to ask when was the last time she talked to him. Her response, "Uhh ..its been a while, probably since the last time I went and met with him." Well, with me knowing for sure she'd talked to him just a few days ago, I knew she was lying. So I started questioning her again, say "are you sure you haven't talked to him recently etc..?" Again, this went on for a while, she even called me a jerk for not trusting her. Then when I told her to prove it by showing me her call log in her phone, she said "This is Bullsh_t!!! I shouldn't have to "prove it!" Then when I wasn't looking she deleted the calls, and I know this because she finally showed me her phone. I just looked at her phone the previous night and she didn't have time to delete before hand. So I outed myself and told her I looked in her phone again the previous night because I had a "gut feeling" she'd talked to him, and I now I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt she had. Then her face just turned white and got quiet for a minute, then finally said she denied it for same reason this time as she did the last time this came up. She said she does randomly talk to him, because he'll just call out of the blue to say "Hey," and see how things are going. She said that she thought I'd just get all worked up for no reason and thats why she didn't come clean. She said, "If you looked at my phone again, then you saw there were only a couple calls received from him right? I never call him, I promise, and I promise you have nothing to worry about." Other than that he comes up to where she works sometimes to get something to eat and have a drink with his "boys" (She bartends at a local restaurant). I'd say he's came up there 3 - 4 times since we've been dating the last 6 months (that she's told me about anyway). Also she use to never delete txt msgs, now the # of txt msgs stays low which means she deletes them fairly often, and her "SENT" box is always empty (off the wall, but again, enough to make me curious) WHEW!!!! I know thats a lot, but what do you think about the situation? !
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affair, her ex, her past, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 I'm afraid that, if we tell you to leave her, you will say you won't, and if we tell you not to leave her, you will say you will. The decision is always yours; we can only give opinions, on the basis of the information you give, the way you give it.
A
male
reader, EB +, writes (7 August 2008):
EB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think the fact that she stays with me practically every single night, & says stuff all the time about us & being in it for the long haul, make a stand for her wanting to be with "me," and maybe she is just good friends with him still. After all, I'm still really good friends with a few of my ex's & talk to them a good bit, without there being any strings tied...
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 August 2008):
About this situation, I think that
1. The fact that she got involved with this married man proves nothing about her morals. She must have thought he was trapped in an unhappy marriage and one bright day he would leave her and they would be very happy forever.
2. She left this man on a decision she made with her mind, not her heart. Her mind knew he would never leave the wife, but her heart refuses to let go.
3. Like I said, she refuses to stop the contact with him. You have no proof that she's texting him or calling him, but, given what she did before, you have no proof she isn't doing that, either. And I tend to believe she is still doing it.
4. Maybe the relationship should end. She seems very unsure about cutting her ties with the married man, and, on top of that, you don't trust her.
5. You need to learn to trust people. The fact that another person cheated on you says nothing about what your future women will do. This time you may have found yourself someone who is not over her ex or someone on the rebound; make sure that doesn't happen to you again. And make sure you trust the girl; no relationship works otherwise.
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A
male
reader, EB +, writes (7 August 2008):
EB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a correction to the Title "My girlfriend has been talking a lot to HER ex (not his)."
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