A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I have a serious problem with relationship...quick background:i started dated my gf in oct 2009.. everything was perfect she told me how much she likes me and wants to spend more time and she called me every day etc etc.. i fall for it and i fall for her hard... 2 weeks and 4 great dates later she goes missing... no answer when calling her... i was concerned but did push it... she writes me a message on facebook a couple of days later to say that she is not looking for a relationship and I was moving fast (altho she was the one pushing)and had feelings for her ex.. i was torn apart.. the one girl i finally fell for left me because of this...i was so hurt but had to try and get on my feet and continue dating to get over her... i dated a girl but couldnt stop thinking of her message... totally torn i was.. so dec 2009 i see her again and she is as beautiful as ever and we talk have fun and kiss... she said she was sorry about the message and she had trouble at home with a sick relative and exams so no time for a bf...i told her i understood and no apology needed...i was the happiest guy in the world.. we slowly start dating and get serious very fast... everything was good for the next 7 months and she moved in with me... some occasional rough patches about her ex's but i got over it... we found a new place to move into and i take her with me to europe ...mid way thru the trip she told me about this threesome that happened with a girlfriend of hers and a totally random dude.. she was drunk and didnt even know how she got home.. this all happened in the 2 month span that we werent together.. i was devastated as i met this girl a couple of time without knowing this and i felt stupid.. had i found this out before i wouldve never exposed my feelings to her so quick and at least make all those trips and new place decisions a little more truthfuly... i felt stupid and misled... she cried her eyes out and apologised and was worried i would break up with her.. but i did and couldnt because we were on our trip... so the rest of the trip was a mind fuck.. we get back and i decided to take std tests because this friend of my gf is dirty and f**cks everybody especially randoms.. we had arguments about this because my initial reaction was to find out all the details and her story was never straight...the doc said they are re-doing the lab work and there mght be a possibility of chlamydia or ghonerea... my gf has turned completely defensive and says that everyone has a past and i shouldnt make her feel bad for it... she tells me that she has changed with me and im the only guy for her and i believe her... i told her if its something that affects me then i have every right to know... so i feel trapped... its a wierd feeling and i resent her for leaving me to do all that sexuall stuff and to come back to me in dec 2009 when she was ready to get serious.... ive spoken about this to her and cant seem to work it out.. i cant take those horrible images out of my head and it makes me sick to the stomach... i feel trapped in the committment and stupid that i made all these choices with her without knowing the truth... i feel misledeverything in my head is crazy right now and i dont even know if ive expressed this in the right way... but please somebody help its eating me alive..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): It sounds to me like you are dealing with someone who basically does whatever they want and then expects to cry their way out of suffering any kind of consequences for it. 1. She originally breaks up with you right before her trip. What I see here is that she intends to get slutty and she doesn't want to be guilty of cheating on you. 2. She gets very slutty and risks STDS. She comes back and keeps it a secret from you. What I see here is that telling you the truth would stand in the way of her getting what she wants, which is to get you back as if she hadn't done any of the stuff she just did. She is "forced" to lie to you, since not lying would mean she might suffer bad (but fair) consequences for her (very recent) choices. You might have elected not to get with her after all if you knew the truth and the risk you were taking. 3. She spills the beans and asks for forgiveness. What I see here is that it has been a few months since her actions. So that seems like her actions are far enough "in the past" that she can hide behind that princple of forgiveness and demand that you not hold her accountable for what she just did to you. (As if the person she was a few months ago is so very distant from the person she is now!) She doesn't want to have any more guilt or STD worries for her actions. And she doesn't want bad consequences for them from you either. She expects this whole thing to go away as long as she is crying and sorry enough after the fact. What a mess. I say dump this girl and don't look back. Regardless of what she says and thinks she believes about right and wrong, just look at the overall pattern here. The pattern is extremely selfish and she has disrespected you very deeply already. I would not want to be dealing with this kind of person.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Actually, in my book she's handled this in a mature way with one exception, not getting tested for STD's before you two had sex again. I understand what you're saying about the pace of the relationship, however it is usually the best practice in any relationship to not disclose past sexual encounters because it usually leads to nothing but problems. One shouldn't lie when asked directly, but details are often the root of retroactive jealousy (being jealous over aspects of a partner's past). Her mistake was getting something, not getting checked, and passing it along.
How you treat her shouldn't change. If your feelings are real, then you should trust those and move past this. No sex until you both are STD free though. No sense in passing it back and forth. That will give you some time to sort out what you're feeling as well and decide which head is making your decisions. ;-)
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A
female
reader, sugarcandy +, writes (10 November 2010):
If you had chlamydia or ghonneria, trust me, you'd know. It wouldn't just be a sudden surprise. They're painful STDs.
Now, good news! They're both completely treatable.
If I were you, I'd worry more about something like herpes, which can be completely asymptomatic.. in fact, most people with herpes don't know they have it and are continuing to spread the disease unknowingly.
But, I am very hopeful for you because you haven't had any symptoms, and neither has your gf right?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): dirtball,
just to add to my previous response to you... i guess had i found this out earlier on i wouldve had a little more time to get over and the pace of the relationship wouldve been different as well... she is very sweet... but i feel like i have suckered in to commitment... i treatd her like a queen since day one and i have not stopped.. its hard to accept tho if one feels tricked into doing all of those things for her... she didnt mean to mislead me in a bad way, i guess she is not mature enough to confront or something like that... but i feel that all of my efforts towards her were because of me being a sucker.... i dont know its hard to explain....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): dirtball
i absolutely agree with you.. of course my perception of her has changed and it is truly hard for me to forgive... she really is my long life gf i always wanted but i have hurt a lot because of her which is why i am in between two decisions... i never really mention these feelings a lot.. we spend every singel second togeher and i never give her emotional blackmail or make stupid comments (eventho the images are eating me up)... i do get upset when she mentions something about her past that isnt true, but i know its only so that i can look highly of her...
only now that this issue with the test results have come up, i have started to be concerned and emotuionally frustrated disappointed scared and resentful all at once.. because of this possible std, it makes it more difficult to forgive...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Hopefully what ever she gave you is curable. Turn and run as fast as you can. She isn't worth all the bs that will come with her.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 November 2010):
Well, if you love her you will forgive her past. It didn't happen while you were together, so she had every right to do whatever it was she wanted. Our past makes us who we are today, and they are unchangable. You need to see this as a life lesson for her. She made choices she's not proud of. She is looking to you for acceptance. As long as she promises not to repeat those mistakes, then you need to let this go.
ON THE OTHER HAND, she gave you an STD because of this activity. That is less forgivable. Luckily for you, the ones you mentioned are treatable if I remember correctly. Chlamydia is for sure as I got it once when my girlfriend cheated on me. Good times.
Really, you need to do some soul searching. Do you think you can forgive this? I mean really forgive it. Let it go. If you can't, then it would be best to walk away. All you'll do is torture her and yourself. If you can, then I think you should. It would be different if she had cheated on you, but really she didn't do anything wrong. Just because you wouldn't do what she did, doesn't make it wrong.
Knowledge of someone's past doesn't make them a different person, it only changes your perception of who they are.
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