A
male
age
36-40,
* young man from Belgium
writes:Hey people, I'm Nick and I'm 25 years old.I suppose I'll sketch my situation really quick.I had been with my girlfriend for nearly two years.We lived a train ride apart from each other and saw each other during weekends and vacations. I'll call my girlfriend "S". "S" was 19 when I met her and currently is 21. So it was a long distance relationship but it always worked out fine and she was going to live in my hometown in a half year or so after her studies.Now I should explain something about "S". She has always had a complicated family situation. Her parents are divorced. And she lived (until very recently) with her mother and stepdad. She has always hated her stepdad and her real dad has made many mistakes in the past. "S" also has a brother. He also hated that stepdad and moved out a few years earlier. He had a baby with his girlfriend and forbids his mother to ever see the baby or him.I don't know if it matters but "S" had once told me that she was at one point interested in girls. So she is bisexsual. But I do strongly feel she is way more into men.Okay so, we sort of knew each other from myspace. She was a pretty girl, that's what I knew from her pictures. And that's all I really ever thought about her at that time. Just a pretty girl. Now it just so happened that I wanted to go to a certain event. But I needed a friend to come with me. All of my friends weren't available however. And so I remembered "S". She was sort of my last hope of finding someone to accompany me to that event. So I emailed her and asked her if she wanted to spend the day here and so one. She agreed and we really hit it of right away. I had the most amazing day. We even held hands that same day. When I got home however, I felt so bad. I really wanted to see her again! She wanted to see me too. So we met up a few days later, had a fantastic time and ended up kissing non stop. We were in love and it was the start of our relationship.We texted each other a lot during the week and every weekend and vacation day we were together. We always counted down towards the weekend. We always missed each other so so much. And things went on like that for 2 years. Our weekends were pretty much always the best! And I mean the absolute best.. We always had so much fun. We have done soooo many and different things together. I couldn't even count it. And we always had amazing times. I also have to say that our sex was really frequent and great as well.We had one major fight during those 2 years. It concerned her ex boyfriend which was her former best friend as well. It was kind of a dumb guy.. He plays world of warcraft and actually met a woman about twice his age from another country over the game and ended up having a baby with her. However "S" once told me that he still has feelings for her.At one point "S" wanted to go to a concert with him.At another point she also wanted to invite him over for dinner so they could catch up. I however didn't like that. He is an ex after all plus he still has feelings for her. I knew nothing would happen between them. But going to a concert with your ex and having dinner with him when it's just the two of them was something I could not accept. I never said she couldn't see him. If she wanted to meet him in a public place have a drink an catch up that would be fine with me.So we kind of clashed at this issue. But she said she would make that sacrifice for the relationship.So that really was pretty much the only time we fought and dissagreed on something.She also used to sleep over at her best friend's (a girl and her current best friend, they know each other since high school). That friend is the kind of girl.. well she's very loose with her own boyfriend. She has many friends and she hangs out with them alot. And ultimately she has a pretty bad relationship with her boyfriend. (She actualy slept with some guy her boyfriend hates but he doesn't know.) Anyway at that point I did feel she was a bad influence.. I also sometimes wondered which other people she had invited for sleep overs when "S" was there. I think they often all just slept together on the floor due to lack of space. I never asked my girlfiend about that though.So I was somewhat nervous when she sometimes had a sleep over there but I didn't want to deny her the pleasure of hanging with her best friend because she has alot of fights with her stepdad and it was nice for her to get away from that sometimes.Now like I said apart from this we never had problems and we never had fun like this or felt love like this in previous relationships.Not too long ago, I faced a personal problem. I was studying to become a teacher. I'm already quite old for a student so this was my last chance at a higher education. I was in my second year and experienced problems which forced me to quit the school.I asked "S" if she didn't mind if I wasn't going to be a teacher anymore. She said she was a little disappointed because she had this vision of the future of my correcting homework in the backyard. (I had that same vision.) But other than that she said she didn't mind, as long as I was happy with whatever I do for a living.I had to get a job now. I haven't got one yet though.Now her stepdad was acting up again and "S" couldn't take it anymore and underwent steps to go live with her dad until she moves in with me (until we get our own place together I mean because I still live with my parents.)I helped her move out and it was very emotional for her mother. "S" did promise to stay in contact with her mom."S" thanked me and said she couldn't have done this without me. She often told me she loved me and that we were perfect for each other and so on. I also said those things to her just as often. We both were very considerate towards each other when giving gifts and in pleasing and loving each other in general. I feel weird saying this to random people but.. she even let me take pictures of her in the nude.. So we were that close and I had never had such an intimate bond with someone else. My previous relationships can't compare to this. I loved her so dearly and so much.So at this point "S" is living with her real dad and this is where things got strange. I had seen her dad a few times and I have been at his place 2 times.She took up "spinning" to exercise at the gym were her dad works out. She also started working on her new room. She said that very soon I had to come over and help her paint which I am quite good at.Now we always saw each other every week except when we had exams. When the weekend arrived however she told me we couldn't see each other because she would be working on her room with her dad the entire weekend. This was very understandable to me so I just hung out with my best friend that weekend. So keep in mind that means I did not see her for 2 weeks. When I did see her. She was acting just a little different. She was a tad less intimate with me, at least on friday and saturday. On sunday and monday (there was no school for her) she was back to her old self in my eyes. So she went home on monday to work on the room again. The weekend came and this was when I was supposed to come paint. There was no place for me to sleep yet at her dad's place so I would just come over for a day. I was excited to finally help her out because she kept complaining she worked so hard every day. So I texted her on saturday "When should I get there tomorrow to help you paint?" She replied "you can't come". So naturally I asked her "Oh why?". But her answer always remained "you just can't come".No matter how many times and in which way I asked the question I could not get another answer. So I never got a reason. She said I should stop whining and let it go. So I didn't come over. And this also meant that I again had to miss her for 2 weeks. I was disappointed because I wanted to be a part of this. Also I didn't get a reason. We had to miss each other now for an extra week for no reason I thought to myself.Now around this time I had noticed she did not text me so much anymore. I thought it was because she was very very busy? I still don't know why. She used to text me like crazy, so it seemed odd to me.On the 15th of this month we were together for 23 months. So I wanted to send her a card! I didn't know her new address though. So I texted her and asked her if she could give me the address. She said she didn't want me to write her at that address and that she had explained to me the reasons why before. I have no memories of this. I honestly cannot remember her telling me about this. So I told her that I truly do not remember why I can't write her at her dad's place. And I asked her to please tell me again why I couldn't do that. She refused to tell me. And again.. I asked so many times and in so many different ways.. but she wouldn't tell me.Ok.. I'm very confused at this point and I felt like something is not right. Anyhow I said I wouldn't write her but I asked her if she could still let me know what her new adres was. Just so I knew exactely where she lived and how I could quickly get to her if there was ever some sort of an emergency. She refused to give me her new address and kept dismissing it as "it's not important for you to know that". Again I try to tell her that it is a big deal and that it is not normal if a couple doesn't know each other's address!To me this is not normal behavior so I kept asking those questions.1) Why couldn't I come help you on sunday2) Why can't I write you?3) Why can't I even know you're adres? (I had been there twice before so I didn't get it.)I never got answers to this. She just got mad or dodged the questions. She said I was acting psychotic and that I was being very annoying.I just couldn't let this slide. So I was very silent, didn't text her much, I was mad and I wondered what was going on.Last weekend:I'm supposed to see her again (it has been two weeks since I saw her. And I asked her on friday morning at what time I could come and see her. She replied she would be home late from school and that it is better for me to come saturday. Again I was disappointed. I couldn't see her. I missed her for so long. It also happens that saturday my best friend had an engagement party thingie I had to attend. (I couldn't get out of it because it's too important and he is my best friend). So I told "S" I would come saturday after that party thingie. I asked my friend if I could already come over that friday night. He was fine with that, so it's friday evening and I'm with my friend. I tell him all about those 3 questions. And he agrees that this is really strange. Another friend also found it very fishy..So after talking to my friend I decide that I want to call her when she is home so we can talk all this out over the phone instead of texting which can lead to bad interpretations. "S" however doesn't want me to call. Again I was mad. I asked her if we can talk about it face to face on saturday. She said there is nothing to talk about. I did not accept this. I needed those answers. I could not let it slide. I told her that I would only come on saturday if we can in fact have a conversation about this. Again she does not agree.So the same thing goes on for a while. It's getting late and my best friend goes to sleep.I couldn't sleep just like the day before so I went on msn. She was online and we started talking. She asked me if I would still come on saturday. I said "yes, but only if we can talk about those certain things". She poses me a different option.She says: Either you come tomorrow or you don't and I come pick up my stuff at your place in two weeks.I kept insisting I would only come if we can talk those things out.She sticks to her question.Either I come or I don't and we're over.Ultimately I thought to myself.. Well when I see her I might still get to talk to her about it.So I say. Ok I'm coming, you are my great love and I don't want to lose you.Her next reply shocked me. "No" she says. You took way too long to answer my question. you should have said yes sooner. It's over Nick.I thought to myself "are you playing games now? I say yes I will come over and you are breaking up with me because I took too long to answer your question?"She changes her msn picture of me she had for almost 2 years. changed her nickname, removing all references to me and changes her relationship status on facebook to "single". Now all her friends and my friends and relatives can see this..I tell her I didn't answer fast enough because I was shaking in front of my laptop. But she ignores this.She says I'm not ready for a relationship. And that I have been treating her like.. well "shit" all week.(In my eyes it was only normal to keep asking her about those 3 questions. I know she has had a lot on her plate lately but I am still her boyfriend and I deserved that information in my opinion. The bit about being not ready for a relationship just doesn't make sense.)So I'm pretty much in shock at that point. It's about 2 AM. She asks if I won't throw away any of her stuff and that she will be picking the stuff up in 2 weeks. I only slept 1 hour. As I woke up I remembered everything that happened and felt very depressed.I ended up going home. I didn't want to depress people at my best friend's engagement party thingie.When I came home. I started gathering everything that's hers (and there was a lot of her stuff at my place). I gather it and my mom and brother helped me to get rid of it. I felt (feel) bad. this was yesterday. I have feelings of wanting to die. I know it's my body and mind's response to this shock. It's not like this was a long time coming. We had been quite perfect. Only those last 2 weeks led up to this. (At least in my mind.) And even then I wasn't expecting a break up.I feel very very bad. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea. I can learn from this experience. All of that. But this is so bad. I had no luck with school. It's not easy getting a job. I probably won't get a job I like. My relationship has ended as well as all of our future plans.I have invested 2 years into this relationship.. It's such a blow.I do not want her back. Impossible. Things are just way too fishy and would never be the same again I'll bet.On the other hand I am so so depressed because pretty much every weekend for over 2 years has been bliss. We connected so perfectly. I could be myself with her for 100 percent. Really 100. And I have never had so much joy in a relationship. My previous relationships just can not compare.When I think about a new girl. I just feel discouraged. Even if I get a new girlfriend. I find it so unlikely I'm going to get such blissful weekends like I had with "S". Will I ever have a connection with anyone else that reaches the same level? I doubt it so much. And It makes me feel so sad. I do not doubt a new love in my life at some point. But I don't think I will reach the same level with her as I did in my relationship with "S". I thought this one would last till I died. I'm also going to miss the physical aspect of the relationship. (This is so embarrassing to type..) When I removed her naked pictures from my pc I caught a glimpse of her. And it's just such a blow to my heart. I loved her body.. and we were so perfectly intimate. I was physicaly 100 percent satisfied. (She always said I was amazing in that way, so I don't think she had any complaints concerning that aspect of the relationship..) So physicaly it had never been so good for me as well..I have so much stuff to get over right now. And I'm hurt so deep and in every way.I get texts and so one from her and people close to her regarding her stuff. I told them all the stuff is gone. (honestly there was a lot of stuff in there that have deep sentimental value, like children's photo's and things that hold much value to her from her school days.) I know it was wrong from me to throw those particular things away. But I can't cope. Everything had to go. I'm trying to survive. I don't read her texts, emails and whatever. I delete everything before reading. I think "out of sight out of mind" is the only chance I have of getting through this.Her mom just called me whilst I was typing this very long break up story (regarding the stuff I'm sure.). of course I did not pick up. I am changing my cellphone number in the morning.I have to suffer this blow plus I have no job. Everything has failed for me. My future plans are gone. I do not know how to deal with this. I know all the typical tips of getting over a break up but.. This is so damn heavy.If you read through this. I thank you. If you can help me or have advice. Please leave a comment.Nick
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty Honest  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Dear Nick,
I'm so sorry that your feeling this way. And heartbreak is one of the most difficult things to get over, I know. It is do-able however, you will get there. Over time you will find a job, start to see what happened more clearly, and things will gradually get easier. Hard to believe now-but it happens.
Unfortunately, you can't hide away forever. I think you need to talk to her. Apologise for throwing out her stuff-(as that was probably a bit too far) and ask her what the hell happened. Without ever having a proper conversation about why you split, you have no closure and that makes it much much harder to move on. While I can understand you were curious about those three questions, there may have been a simple explanation, or perhaps she was just witholding the information because she wanted you to drop it, or even something else was going on that she couldn't talk on the phone about. Let the answers go, the bigger question is, why did she break up with you so suddenly. I know it's really hard, but if you read those emails, answer those calls you might find out it was just a heat of the moment thing, or if not find out why.
As for the sleepovers, the best friends, the dinners-that's something most couples have to get on board with really. It's nice your girlfriend agreed to stopping the dinners for you, but a friend can't make someone cheat, they're either a cheater or they're not. And you either trusted her or you didn't.
Find out what happened, msn is the worst way to communicate important things, and alot gets lost in translation. Talk to people, surround yourself with friends, and don't be too hard on yourself. It feels like you'll never have that kind of love again, but you're still young. It'll take time but you'll get there. Also once you understand what happened you can learn from it and start putting your life back together.
It will get easier.
Hope that helps
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