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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend is leaving me.I have an agression/anger problem that's been going on for years. Finally on the meal for her birthday last night I ripped the waiter to bits had a row with her sister because my main courtse turned up cold (in front of all her and all my family) and I promptly left, feeling like an absolute idiot. Last night she went to her mum's overnight and she came to collect some stuff this morning for about a week and told me she is moving out on saturday and its all overi was totally out of order but want to prove to her it won't happen againI had alreasdy made an appointment to see a counsellor about my anger problem, as I was totally out of order. I also get road rage etc etc,i have told her I want to sort it out and after 5 and a half years I want 1 more chance. She said she'd think about it, and I have to give her some time. I am absolutely devastated. Can anybody advise what I can do whilst I wait to speak to her or give me some advice about how else I can solve my anger issues, apart from counselling?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2005): Dear, we all get angry, we all have frustration...but we use mature, sensible logic when dealing with it. You appear to have a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that you feel that 'you' should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. You can't take things in stride. You can't get rid of anger, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Proving to your gf it that you have things under control will be tough. The only way you can get a grasp on this problem, is find out what triggers your anger, become aware of that trigger and develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge. Hun, you have to really, really work hard at this. I know this is not your intent- but you cannot go on using your anger as a license to hurt others. It is ruining your life! "Letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you resolve the situation.
Get into the habit of using technigues that will help you, before anger gets the best of you. Such as slowly repeating a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply or
using imagery helps. Visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Hopefully over time, this will just kick in automatically..enabling you to get the anger under control. Also, try replacing angry thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Keep telling yourself..that anger will not FIX the problem...it just makes it worse.
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. Angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
So keep at it, dear. Just change your way of thinking and try to be aware, daily of all your angry reactions. You gf likely loves you but the enormous stress she must feel when you do this, is incredibly hard for her. I hope you can do this-your happiness depends on it. Keep at your counselling and anger management courses-don't give up-in time it will help...just give it a chance. Take care and I wish you the best of luck.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 October 2005):
 So go ahead and prove it to her...from a distance that is. If she is convinced over time, and we are talking serious time here, then the problem's solved. It's all up to you, good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): You say that you know your anger problem has been going on "for years" and yet you only promised to change when your girlfriend finally got really jack of it and left you.I'm left thinking that this promise to change is nothing more than an attempt at manipulation of your girlfriend. You might be used to getting your way by your outbursts, by cajoling and by exerting not-so-subtle pressure on others, and I think your girlfriend has just discovered that.For you to show her that it won't happen again is going to take time. A LOT of time. I would say that you need to go learn to help yourself and show that you can control your problems for a minimum of 12 months before you have anything worthwhile to show your ex. Anything less is just a blip in your lifetime and doesn't demonstrate a genuine change, particularly if she's given you chances in the past and you've blown those chances.As others have suggested, you need to back off and try to stay in indirect contact until you really fix your problems and until you have a track record of successes managing it. Try the books "Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men" by Thomas J Harbin and "The Angry Self" by Mirima M Gottleib. You can get them at the library while you research other avenues.
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female
reader, bee +, writes (25 October 2005):
oh dear that sounds like hell. But well done for seeking help- that takes real guts.
I think you need to see a very good counsellor as well as someone who will tell you methods to handle anger. That way you are getting to the root of the problem properly.
As for your girldfriend, this is doubly difficult for her because now everyone who saw you go crazy will expect her to leave you and she will be embarrassed if she doesn't take a stand against your behaviour.
It sounds like there's hope for you two but I would advise you to go to the counselling as often as possible and send your girlfriend cards and letters (hand written!) telling her all about what you;ve been up to and how the counselling is going.
The letters are romantic and give her space at the same time. She will be touched at your efforts and your honesty.
Tell her what's really going on with you and try to be honest - even though it might be hard to talk a about the progress you're making in counselling.
She definitely needs to see and believe in the improvements and efforts you make. She needs to know your life together will be fun and relaxed and not potentially scary and embarrassing.
After at least two weeks, call her and ask her out on a date somewhere fun and silly (bowling? a show? a stand up comics night?)
after the show make time to talk to her properly about how she's feeling.
These are all just suggestions of course but I hope in some way they might be helpful to you.
I was with a guy with anger problems for years and it's so important that she SEES and BELIEVES you're making the effort to change.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2005): it's great you know you have a problem and are doing something. Your comment though 'one MORE chance' makes me think she may of given you plenty of chances. I am sure she has witnessed many similar outbursts and at some point she has to do what she feels is right, for her that meant leaving you. I think you need to deal with your issues by yourself, it may take time and then you can show your gf, you are serious and have changed. Promising to do so, may not be enough. My ex was the same and he always said if I came back he would change, but as soon as I was back he got complacent and things reverted to how they were. If you truly love her, leave her be, sort yourself out, keep in contact with her so she can see your progress from a distant. i am sure she, nor yourself want to hurt her anymore. Prove it to yourself you can change, then you can prove it to her. You have a long road ahead of you and you should be proud of yourself for making the first steps. Good Luck
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