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female
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*exta
writes: Ok I have a real problem. My partner of 4 months went out with a women who was pregnant when they got together - the child views my bf as his dad, and my bf regards the child as his son. I have never met the child. When he sees him every other Saturday, his ex always goes out for the day as well and won't allow him to see him without her being there. She sends him texts telling him how useless a father he is and how he doesn't care about the child (all of which is completely not true). My problem is that I want to build a future with my partner and love him very much but I cannot cope with him seeing her every other weekend and them spending the day together - she is very controlling and manipulating - as he is not the child's real father he has no legal leg to stand on - I don't want to end it with him or make him choose between me and the child and have no problem with him spending time with his kid but I can't spend the next 10 years of him having the day with her every other Saturday - I have told him this and he says he doesn't know what to do - should I just leave the relationship?Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2005): hello! i am in the same situation. now it has passed 1 year since my boyfriend now that he is not the father. i love my boyfriend a lot, i am with him more than 2 years and still i love him like the first day. the situation will become more and more difficult with the time because you will start to miss him, to think why you need to support this situation if he is not the father?. his ex always will try to control the situation but you are with him. be honest with your boyfriend. say what you think and support him. i did it. now he feels less responsability over the child. do not see him so often because he start to understand that he wants to have his own babies, his own family. i know that is very hard for him and for the boy. i always have been very nice with the boy and i will help him in the future but i also explained to my boyfriend that she need to look after him because at the end the child is her responsability. be strong if you realy want your boyfriend, be honest and do not feel fear to explain him your feelings about it but if you feel that this will affect your, you need to think about and you will find the answer.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (25 October 2005):
 If I were you I'd go with them on the outings. You should get to know the child as well since he's going to be a part of your lives. Plus you may really enjoy yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): I have a lot of sympathy for you. I was in the same situation. My ex partner has two child. He is not the bio father but in his eyes and the kids eyes he is.
You need to be strong and very understanding. Things will not change if your partner doesn't put his foot down. He needs to have a serious talk with the ex and tell her that he wants to be the kids dad in every way. She should not have to be there when he sees the kid. Unfortunately you can't do anything about this. My advice is to stay out and just offer support. But you need to also let your partner know that this is not how you want your relationship and if it continues this way then the relationship will fail.
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reader, schlottjl +, writes (25 October 2005):
 He is the child’s real father just not his biological dad. If the bio dad is in the picture, it might be a tad different. Here is the thing, in most western countries he does have a leg to stand on legally. If the kid sees him as a dad, he should not abandon him. That is not fair for the kid. Poor little guy.
If the child is a young baby, then it might be good for him to cut ties but only if the baby is 8 months or less and that is even pushing it. You say the child knows and if that is true, it is too late.
Your bf should sue for visitation if not partial custody rights (so long as bio dad is not there for him. If he is then he should still go to court to have a judge decide how the break should go.) Your bf should not accept that his ex rule his every weekend. It is not necessary. I know many people who have succeeded in gaining visitation rights and most countries (I know it is true in the US) take the welfare of the child into consideration.
Your bf sounds like a really good guy and I wish more guys would step up and be there for kids the way he has. HOWEVER, he does need to put his foot down and settle this with his ex. You would think that he would want to as well. Perhaps he was unaware that he may succeed in gaining legal status. My parents did with a child that stayed with them for three years and they did not even know the real mom.
Tell him to look into mediation. That way he could avoid a custody battle. Even if it came to that, courts have heard it all and do not necessarily believe every negative thing they hear. If he remains cool and just pleads that the kid sees him as dad and that even though the relationship with his mom is over, he still wants what is best for the child and is still willing to be there for him, he has a good chance of winning.
At least there would be closure. The ex gf is definitely manipulating the situation here and so long as he lets her your lives will be meddled with. Here is where you come in. If you can handle all of this and do so with out ever bad mouthing his mommy, you could be a good influence and a bonus mom to the little guy as well. If you can't then I suggest that you be honest about this and break up. There is no shame in that so long as you know where you stand and where dad stands, you need to think about this and do the right thing. The real question should be to yourself. Do you want to be a step mom in a chaotic situation and do you think that it is worth it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2005): Is this about the child or the ex? I am guessing the ex. It is very diffcult. However I would let go of the fact he is not the biological father, that doesnt really matter. He is the father figure and I am sure they have a real bond. You have only been together for 4 months and I agree it is too soon for you to meet the child, after all you are considering ending the relationship. Children need stability not people coming in and out of their lives.
I suggest to learn to deal with it, if you love him. I am sure it will not be a situation that will continue. She will find someone else and want to have a day off from her child. Every mother needs a break and your partner and hopefully at sometime yourself too, will be the perfect babysitters.
I think it is a very good quailty that your bf is being honourable by a child that isn't his. It is the mark of a caring man and you should feel lucky to have him. Jealously will only drive him away. Be patience..
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