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female
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*ad and cheated
writes: My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Three years ago and two years ago I found porn in the house. L told him one more time and I'd throw him out as this really repulses me. We went to marriage counselling and discussed this but I got too emotional, he didn't understand my disgust etc. In March we split up as he wasn't happy, he has admitted to being a pathological liar, having O C D's and a self destructive personality (he spends a lot of money too). A couple of months ago we decided to give it another go (we have a 3yr old daughter), everything's great, he's on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist. Today I went on his computer to look for the address of a website he recommended to me last night, and I saw that he's been using a porn site. What do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005):
I'd suggest that you make a commitment to him to cut out all 'female pornography'- Desperate Housewives, daytime soaps, Dr. Phil, Ophra, romance novels, 'click flicks' movies and advice columns.
And then decided if you want to impinge on a fantasy life that may or may not (we didnt get enough detail) be causing issues.
A
male
reader, annonymus +, writes (26 October 2005):
I have to say I take some issue with the people on here who say "all men look at porn" All men don't. Or that if he doesn't he has sexual hang ups. For some people, it just isn't their thing. Some woman actually enjoy porn. I have to admit.... I have enjoyed looking at it on occation. The thing to remember here, is that your partner should be supportive of your feelings and concerns. But the other thing to remember is that your self image starts with you. You have to be confident with what You have and realize that the girls in porns or in fashion magazines or even in cartoons.... are not average everyday beautiful women. They are mythical creatures. Every little girl wants to be a princess, but in reality we know we will never have a glass slipper or a real tiara. That's why they are fantasies. Everyone has fantasies. they are normal healthy.... and lots of fun. Men (andf woman) have sexual fantasies. Making someone feel dirty and wrong for them, isn't healthy, and it won't make them go away. Making someone feel bad for not sharing them, or respecting that you aren't comfortable with your husbands isn't fair either.... but you two need to find a Healthy balance between the two, telling each other (and yourselves) how great you think you are.
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A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (25 October 2005):
 I have to say that you might be overreacting here. He is waiting to see a Dr or he has and is getting a second opinion? You say he has OCD. That is a medical diagnosis. So he does not necessarily have that and I wonder about the self destructive personality disorder as well as I've been in the field and never seen that one before.
It sounds like you may think he has these things and have built a case against him and that if he does not agree you are willing to destroy the family.
I will just say that all men will look at porn and that is not a mental disease. In fact, if they don't there could be one of two problems. They may have sexual issues and fear women, or they could have a hormonal problem with low testosterone. They could be extremely religious, but even then there will be slip ups and if it is accidently found while on-line, there usually will be a long pause and intense arousal that they beg God for forgiveness for.
Men are visual and are extremely attract by what they see. This is not a relationship problem unless he masturbates to often and is unable to have sex with you, or he continually must see pron and escalates to the point of meeting women for sex that he meets online. Also, if he visits chat rooms for cyber sex then there is a problem as well.
But really wanting to view this and you sneaking around as the morality police is a problem. The problem here is you. It is co-dependant for you to police another adults life when he is not harming you. It is a violation of privacy for you to check up on him. How would it make you feel if he did that to you and arbitrarily decided that something you were interested made you bad.
Here is the other thing. You train others how to treat you. A pathological liar lies about absolutely everything from what they ate to how they drove to a store to how their day was etc. If he is lying about the porn, it is because you freak out about it. My guy of 10 years looks at it and hides it because he was taught that it is bad and therefore he is bad. But when I walk in and find him with it, there is no comment. Last year he got soft woman friendly porn for Christmas and our sex life has never been better. He does not need to lie.
So my advice is to try to calm down and think about this a bit more clearly. Perhaps the real problem is that you have drifted apart and it is because of his involvement with the porn (no longer able to perform since he did with his own horny self already). If that is true compromise needs to happen. Go online to a site that has toys and woman friendly movies. You might shock him with this and he will be more likely to meet you half way if he knew it was possible. The soft core movies are made for women and are extremely romantic, based on female fantasy, are respectful of women, and have nudity. Think of them like a romance novel made into a movie. The quality is better than you would think.
If you two get your relationship back and make sure it is strong, you can forgive a little bit easier. If you do have a medical diagnosis of OCD, then you need to talk to his doctor about help for you dealing with the disease. If he had cancer, it would be the same thing. But armchair diagnosis is not fair to your husband. In fact, it technically is emotional abuse and manipulation. Abuse and manipulation are sure ways to drive your husband to porn. So your frustration could be a catch 22.
I hope I did not sound to condescending as I have been where you are before. Women are fixers and if we get a notion that something should change it is hard to stop us. But often we are wrong. Men are such different creatures and to judge them based on how we would do things is totally unfair. If you have been around the site for awhile, you may have noticed men asking how they can change their ladies who must have sex issues cause they are not men. Neither your husband nor the "fridged" gf's are necessarily sick, but judging them and condemning them makes the askers so.
Good luck and try not to think in absolutes. Often there is more than two ways to do something and it just takes stepping outside of the box.
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A
female
reader, Nessiew +, writes (25 October 2005):
I understand your despair with your H, It is so frustrating to find this out when you thought he understood your feelings on this. The problem is Porn can become an addiction to some people, and therefore even though your H knows it disgusts you he cannot help but take another look, where it becomes destructive however is when it affects a relationship and the trust within that relationship, I also think the hurt on your side even if your H thinks its a natural male thing, is the secrecy of his viewing when he knows that if he were to be caught out you would go mad and be really upset. I have been married for 8 years ,My husband has secretly been sneaking porn into our house most of our married life, each time I found a DVD, Video, internet, and even his mobile internet access we would have a huge row. last christmas I warned him that if I found anymore we would split up, as he was sneaking down to watch them rather than coming to bed with me, this made me feel insecure and our relationship was suffering, he knew how mad I would be if it happend again and what the consequences would be.. I used to say to him that I worried that the way he was with it would not become enough and he would move on to other things.. how right I was I just found out five weeks ago he visited a prostitute in February and I am disgusted.. plus the porn continued and he was even texting a woman colleague to try and get her to bed.. We are splitting up for good now and we have four young kids, but I no longer feel the same way about him now, it all feels so spoilt and rotten I don't have any choice..I feel like he has been unfaithfull a thousand times with all his friends on screen...and obvioulsy the hooker was the final straw... so please you must speak to your H again about this and try and for the counselling again.. There is nothing wrong with you and don't let your H tell you otherwise - It isn't a normal Man thing, when it becomes an obsessive, secret !! Good Luck..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2005): This is an ever increasing problem nowdays. Unfortunately many men have absolutely no idea how damaging this can be and how blanatantly disrespectful it is to women. (or some may not care) Porn doesnt portray real women. ie how often do you see women who are a bit older ofr have stretch mark, breasts that are no perky or show signs of having lived life and enjoyed it???Men watching porn learn to equate sexy with women who remain eternally 20 perky and flawless. Until men start realiseing that real beauty is the body of real women we can continue to expect a decline in the relationships between men and women. There is one particular poster on here who, despite his best efforts to help insists that there is nothing wrong with porn. He seriously needs to open his eys and look at the world through the eyes of women.......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2005): In my view, if it is just the porn that is the main issue, deal with it. It is normal for many men. They even have porn magazines in hospitals so men can masturbate their samples for sperm counts. Then their partner tuck the sample container in her bra to keep it warm for testing. It may be hard for you at first, but just think, could it be your inhibitions that are making it difficult for him. Being sexual is part of our core being, even into our 90s (believe me!), it is not dirty or perverted unless it is without consent, or with a child. With a wife, husband, long term partner, whatever relates to your religious belief, it is natural. Do you know that men who masturbate twice a week have a 40% less chance of getting prostate cancer? It is from an Australian study, and they believe it is similar to why women who have breast fed have a lower risk of breast cancer, becasue of the through flow of secretion through the glands. Do you know you can get techniques on female mastutbation on the Royal College of Nursing (English) website?
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