A
male
age
36-40,
*dush
writes:Hello friends, I have a question about my Gf and her ex bf. but first a little background on us. I'm 25 and she's 21. I'm not very attractive or good looking but I'm very friendly and I have a good ear to listen to people. We'v been together for around 5 months now.I've known her for 3 months before that..total 8 months. Call it love at first sight bcos we really seemed to hit it off from the start. She told me she had a bf before and in the first 3 months i could see that she was going thru a breakup. they had been together for 5 years. I supported her a lot thru it all and continue to do so. I love her a lot and we have both made plans for a future marriage and what we would do to each other ;) .... sometimes she calls up her old bf. She lets me know that she's called him and dosen't hide that from me. I do get bugged by this b'cos i feel that once that 2 people have fallen in love, it's near impossible to go back to being friends. and i don't want her feelings to get hurt by this guy again. I told her early on that i don't mind her talking to guys if they are her friends. I don't think her ex BF falls in this category. She tells me that when she talks to him nowadays, there is no feeling ever that they ever were in love. I trust her. I love her very much. I want her to stop caling this guy. but i feel that it's still to early. Maybe she's not entirely rid of feelings for him yet. After all he is a part of her memories. i'm helping her make new, good memories. . here's my question..what should i be feeling? Patience? Anger? what does this mean about the way she's acting?
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male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi  +, writes (27 February 2011):
Take care of yourself too.
Hope you come back and let us know how it is all going.
A
male
reader, adush +, writes (27 February 2011):
adush is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks popeye for all your help. Hope we can carry this till the end. Take care dude. My prayers are with you.
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A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (26 February 2011):
I am delighted for you. I hope this can be the beginning of the end to your feelings of losing her, and be the start to something truly amazing.
I sincerely hope she has taken your feeling on board totally, and you both have a wonderful and happy future together.
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A
male
reader, adush +, writes (26 February 2011):
adush is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear popeye, Thanks for tour reply popeye. Actually before I read your reply, I met her and talked about it face to face. She was silent for a long time. Then she started to play songs on her mobile. Btw, these very same songs are what brought us together in the beginning. That's when I hugged her close. What happend later was amazing. :) She never gave me an answer, but by her actions, I think she took what I said to heart.. Let's see now..
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A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (26 February 2011):
If your feeling you are losing her bit by bit, you both need to have a frank and urgent conversation, and get these feeling you have out in the open, its not going to go away by leaving it. Talk to her, make her understand your entire feelings on this. not sugar coated, because that will do nothing. What you are telling me on here, you also have to tell her. By hanging onto the past as she so blatantly is, it is having a direct impact on your futures. When the past is allowed to creep into the future, it will always do damage, the quicker you sort this, and let your entire feelings be known, the better chance you both have of sorting this and being happy. While it is like this, you're not happy, you don't feel 100% secure, respected.. by her actions!
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A
male
reader, adush +, writes (26 February 2011):
adush is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear popeye,
if u mean that when they talk, am i a topic in the conversation, if so then i'm not sure. He has asked her if i love her as much as he did and she replied that i did love her very much and even more. About the issue of her talking to him and how i feel about it, i have told her plainly that i don't like it and felt that he's trying to get back into her life again. Also he'll bring back past memories and they'll both feel sad again. She has yet to give me a clear answer on what she's going to do.. But so far she's only told me not to worry and that nothing is going on and they're talking only as friends..basically how they were before they fell in love. She had changed her mobile no. so he could not call her. But then she contacted him from her brother's cell. Later she did call him from her own number but he nevr phoned her. It's only now and twice within a span of 1 week that he's called her. She told me all this honestly herself. But now that he's calling her back, it's setting off alarm bells.. I feel i'm starting to lose her bit by bit. I want to tell her it's him or me but i'm afraid i'm gonna bugger things up bcos she may start to resent me then for not trusting her..
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A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (25 February 2011):
Although your feelings for this guy are what i expected them to be, you don't like him for a long list of reasons, would it maybe easy your mind, in knowing that you are a part of the conversation?
Have you told her your feelings on this? Actually laid out what you feel when she talks to him?
Untill she knows and see's the big picture of what you feel, the likely hood of this changing is almost zero!
If you love and care for someone, you do everything possible to make them feel secure and respected. You would do that for her, i can tell that simply by the way you talk of her, you have care in your words for her, and love, you treat a woman how you wish to be treated, and that is a very good thing. However, she is not making you feel secure by hanging on to a past that she should be putting down, walking away from and being happy with you. Does he have a hold on her?
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A
male
reader, adush +, writes (24 February 2011):
adush is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank u so much popeye for ur inputs. I'd say she talks to him about maybe once in two weeks or three weeks. She did tell me that they talk about their daily lives, their work, normal stuff. Neither of them brings up the past history anymore. When u say bring me into the conversation popeye, do u mean the three of us talkin together? If so then i have to decline cos i don't like this guy at all. I don't trust him a bit. For what he's done to her before and after the breakup. But i trust her if she says that's all they talk about. And yes i also feel that she's holding on to the past. But as her boyfriend and more importantly because i love her so much, i'm gradually making her come totally to my side. And with god's help i hope it will happen. I also want to marry her and hope my dad will just say ok when the time is right.
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A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (24 February 2011):
Sorry i am only just replying now, been with no net!! grr!Does she even say why she talks to him? And how often does she talk to him? An ex is exactly that, an ex, and the need to move on and leave the past where it belongs is paramount especially if you and her are to be a happy stable couple in a relationship that thrives and becomes something amazing, which all relationships can do.. But i feel that right now, she is clinging to the past, and she had to let go of that. Ask her to include you in the conversations, if there is nothing to hide there, she will have no problem in letting you be a part of it. As an ease of fears type thing! But also, you must talk to her ans be honest about that you feel and what talking to him actually makes you feel, don't sugar coat in out of love, be honest, and explain that you don't like it. If she has care for you and love for you, she will take what you feel to her heart and make a more better based judgement on this, because i do see your pain in all of this, i know what you feel, i did the exact same, and it go to much and i had to say what i felt, and it was something that could of been fixed allot earlier if i opened my mouth and told her what i felt right from the off. I married her btw!
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A
male
reader, adush +, writes (22 February 2011):
adush is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm ok with her having male friends. I'm ok with her still talking to him as long as she doesn't allow it to go any further. A little more background on that past relation. He and her are from different religions. She and me are from the same. Her parents want her to settle down with someone from the same state and of the same religion. I fit the bill quite well.. Anyways what does matter is that I had asked her about this, and she assured me that she would never and could never return to that relationship stage with him. I trust what she says and i trust her not to take it there again.. I hope that she will shed this baggage but i wonder if it's normal to hold it for a while... after all it's only been a few months since they broke up.. or am i justifying it all cos i love her and i want to believe everythings all right?
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A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (22 February 2011):
I relate to this so much, because my gf was in constant contact with her ex, and truth be told, it p***ed me off, and i didn't like it, he was vile to me, and he was always making comments of the vile nature, so i spoke to her, and i laid my feels on the table, and i told her how i felt, that i wanted her, not her past in the way all of the time, i felt like he was part of the bargain, and i was not having that aswell.. You have to talk to her, and you have to asses your own feelings here too!Would you be happy if they was friends? if they talked to eachother, seriously and deep down, would you? I don't think most guys are, and girls for that matter, but i only speak for me, not the population of the world. You are right to feel anger, because it is like she is trying to hold the past to her chest and take it into the future, and that does not bode well for your futures together, so, be honest with her and say what you feel, you have feelings too!
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