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My gay lover goes back and forth between me and his girlfriend. He says he is choosing her. Should I try to get him back?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 February 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 14 April 2008)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hi, I have been in a relationship with a guy who is 9 years younger than I am. As far as I know, I have been gay since my teen days, although I had one serious "relationship" with a friend in the past, who eventually moved on and got married. I met this guy 4 years back and as far as I knew he was straight, but I fell for him. Over a period of time, he started to fancy me and moved in with me. He was constantly in and out of jobs and wasnt stable financially. So I was taking care of his basic needs, just as he started to get closer to me and loving me more for what I did for him..We were into a serious committed relationship for about two and a half years, before starting to see a girl at his workplace. Initially, it was like "she is just a friend" but as time went by, I realized he was getting serious about her. I even told him to go ahead with her, if he was serious about her sacrificing my love for his happiness. He however lived-in with me. We continued having sex, but I could see that he was slowly moving away from me, since the fights were becoming more frequent.

One day, we had a huge argument , while his girlfriend was at home, and it led to me slapping him in a fit of rage over something sick he said, which she saw. That day he moved out of home, leaving me heartbroken and hurt. Over the next few weeks, I used to text him over wanting him to come back, but he maintained that it was over between us. I went through a huge amount of depression just thinking of my life without him.

One fine day, about 2 months after this issue, he called me up and said he wanted to come and see me, which I was happy to do...and over the next few weeks while he didnt stay with me, he started to visit me more often. He had also lost his job during that time. So, we started coming closer and he told me that he missed me a lot, loved me a lot - but since we dont have a future together , considering our parents would be upset if they got to know of our sexuality, he had to continue his other relationship with his girlfriend.

Over the next few months, he started to spend more time at my place, while I started seeing a girl with the intent of marrying her. We even got engaged, but through the courtship period, my guy lover was with me, kissing me and loving me and making me feel special - however, the girl didnt seem to be as warm..Two weeks before my wedding, the engagement was called off due to differences between my fiancee and me. My guy was next to me throughout - hoping that after I get married, he will move on with his life and work things with his girlfriend.

After my engagement broke off, he told me that he had to move out of my place and was moving in with his girlfriend. I was ok with it, except that I wanted him to be as friendly and communicative with me even while not staying with me. Meet me over a drink or drop by home - but his commitments to the girl were pulling him away from me. His girlfriend didnt like me from the day of the slapping incident, but over time we sorted our differences stating that both of us had an importance in my guys life. His girlfiend doesnt like him calling me or texting me, so whenever he is with her, he avoids any contact with me. But he used to call me on his way to work or during breaks. We had some silly fights in between, where he would tell me that he had made up his mind and has chosen his life. But 2-3 days later, when I would call him and apologize, things would be back to normal. Anyways, my guy had the keys to my apartment even while living in with his girlfriend. He kept giving me the hope that by the end of this month, he will come back and stay with me for a few days and we will spend time with each other like old times.

Last weekend, while I was out of town, he came over to my home with his friends and girlfriend and her sister. He didnt inform me about it and I got to know about it the next morning. But he gave me the excuse that they couldnt drink and drive, so they came over to my place. I was ok with it. That evening again, some other friends joined in. My guy had told me that some of these friends had spoken bad things about me in front of his girlfriend in the past - so I asked him why were these friends over when they didnt like me. Also, he could have at least informed me before he got them over. He got pretty mad at me - told all his friends that I didnt like them being at MY place. Left my house keys behind and moved out. I called him the next day, and told him that the intent was not to ask him and his friends to leave, but object to the fact that he didnt inform me. Now, this guy told me that i did the same thing I did a year back. By throwing him out of the home. His girlfriend has given him the option of choosing between her and me. And he says that he has to choose his girlfriend and his friends over me. I feel really hurt that after all I have done for him, loved him with all my heart and supported him in his times of need - not to mention that he didnt stand by me when i needed him - he has shown me in poor light to his friends. He has also told me during one of his fights that none of his friends, girlfriend and family like me - while I have always treated them with respect like they are my own - even bending over backwards at times to accomodate them for his sake.

But now he expects the liberties that he had while being with me, to be passed on to his friends and when I objected he pulls the plug saying its over and he has to make a choice. What do I do? Should I let go of this relationship, based on this incident or give him another chance? I want to move on in life too - but I love him so much that I cannot get him off my mind, knowing that he loves me a lot - but also confused, if he really did, then would he show me down in front of his friends and family?

Please help with any suggestions. I feel like my world has come apart, and my friends/family are asking me to stay away from him and let him be, while moving on in my life. But he is way too special to me for so many years, despite everything...Should I just let him go or have any hopes that he will come back again?

View related questions: engaged, fiance, heartbroken, kissing, lost his job, move on, moved in, moved out, period, text, wedding, workplace

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A male reader, Merisier United States +, writes (14 April 2008):

Well if he says it is over, I think this time, it is time for you to move on. Don't waste ur time cause the same thing might happen again.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008):

My first thought was that he is using you. Actually now that I read maddox08 response I tend to be in agreement.

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A male reader, Boonridge McPhalify United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2008):

Boonridge McPhalify agony aunttheres a quote from a show on BBC3 the other day i saw.. i feel it applies.

"for christ's sake donna your like a todler playing with your own faeces-just because it tastes good doesn't mean its right".

Move on from this crap and stop being a desperate creep and get a real life with people around you who are there for good reasons, he's a user and the meaning that can been seen from this relationship to everyone but you is that this is a lesson to be learned and not repeated, its up to you to take heed, lift your chin and show your stength of character.

4 years of crap is still crap!

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A male reader, maddox08 United States +, writes (26 February 2008):

maddox08 agony auntWell I think that you should just let him go. From what it sounds like he's just using you. I've been in this situation before and trust me it will leave you in ruins emotionally. As a young gay man who cares for all gay people I say let him go and, place youself in the company of friends. After you sulk for a couple of days go out and place yourself in some Prada or Christian Dior it worked for me. Then have two margaritas and start to look for the man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008):

There are so many obvious issues with this relationship, or lack there of, incomplete personal responsibilities, on both sides.

This man has used you. Your always there to pick up his broken life, when it suits him, usually when he has lost a job or having problems with his girlfriend. He is using you simple as that. AND you are letting him. Your too desperate to win his heart, that your being a doormat and an idiot really. Sorry but your making a fool of yourself, and I don't think you realise that. Your so worried that if you pull the plug on supporting him, help him out all the time, he will not want you. Honey, I don't think he does want you, not in the way you want to be wanted by him. Your his security when he stuffs up. That is not love.

He has treated your hospitality and kindness with disrespect, again he is just using you.

What on earth are you or why did you get involved with a women? Whats that all about. Are you too gay or bi? So these women know you too where sex buddies? I mean, your

personal standards and actions with relationships are very confusing to the outside world. What are you wanting to do with relationships in your life. If you so desperately loved this guy, how could you get married, and how could you be happy to share him with his girlfriend? I don't understand.

Irrespective of your sexuality, your making your life a disaster with all of these inappropriate and insincere relationships. Why don't you get your own head sorted about what you want and need in your life before you get involved with people who are just as confused as you.

You need to wake up a bit and see your life and relationships for what they really are. If you want something real, solid and with meaning, then start behaving more like someone worthy of that. It is time to grow up and get your head together my son!

Anyway something to think about. But he's using you and your letting him!

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