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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi this isn't a relationship problem but I'm desperate for help.My best friend of 20 years has suddenly decided she is gay, I have no problem with that.But now she and her partner are having a civil ceremony (marriage?) I got an evening invite and I was just going to pretend I wasn't well, but today she asked me if I would drive her to the ceremony.I said yes BUT I don't want to.I'm not homophobic but I don't agree with same sex marriages and her partner has been very violent to my friend in the past few months, I don't want to lose my best friend but she has totally changed since meeting this woman and I'm scared my friend will end up badly hurt.what should I do? please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, matron +, writes (25 June 2006):
 Your friend hasn't changed she's at last being the true her! You dont suddenly decide you are gay, she's probably known for years but society and lack of confidence have made her live a lie bless her.
She is your mate, respect her for who she is, give her the support she needs right now and join in her happiness, dont be judgemental just because you dont understand, she obviously knows how you feel and knew you would react this way thats why it took her 20 years to express the real her to you.
Go celebrate with her, she has made her choice and it may or may not work out just like any other relationship be there for her like a true friend. I wish her the best if luck in her new found happiness.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): You should be good for him/her..If you were gay you would probly want ur friends to be happy for you-right
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A
female
reader, aunty butterfly +, writes (20 June 2006):
 hi,
i agree with DrPsych, just be there as the friend she wants you to be,and out of twenty years of friendship i'm sure you could manage one day for friendships sake?...GO to the ball and have a good knees up,i wish you well...Aunty B xx
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (20 June 2006):
 There are two separate issues here. You don't believe in same-sex marriage and that is ok - you are entitled to your opinion and belief. However that doesn't mean you cannot support your friends view that same-sex marriage is ok. Unfortunately it is just not possible to control other people and what they want to do. I think being a good friend is about supporting your mates no matter what you feel - sure you can tell her you don't agree with it, but you also should be happy for her in that she thinks this is the right choice for her. As for the second issue, well that is a different matter. You cannot stop the marriage going ahead, and you may upset her big day if you don't go along with the ceremony but you can wait until the violence rears its ugly head again and offer her support when she needs it on her own terms. Maybe her partner needs anger management classes, or they will need couples therapy. I totally understand you are stuck in a bad situation here, but if you protest at this stage when she is on a high about the wedding then you may lose her friendship for good and she may not come to you for help in the future when she is in trouble.
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