A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Around 7 months ago I began sending texts to a girl I had matched with on Tinder. We hit it off really well, and ended up texting each other multiple times a day and video chatting at least once a week. We made plans to see each other in person once the pandemic died down (which sadly only got worse where I live) and so we were left perpetually delaying when we would meet up in person. Even so, we had a deep connection with tons of common interests and opinions on everyday situations. She had a way of sending smiley faces that would make for a very caring exchange. I genuinely enjoyed talking to her as a person, and even though we did occasionally start doing some "steamier" calls a couple months in, we genuinely enjoyed each other's company. However, about three weeks ago I found out that I was going to have to move out of the country for my job this year. It's going to be permanent. I told this to her, and she was deeply saddened. She wouldn't want to continue a potentially doomed long distance romance (she doesn't have a visa either), so she proposed we be friends. I wasn't expecting that, so I asked her to give me time to think about it. A few days letter she sent me a picture of a handwritten letter writing about how she's very much enjoyed the past 7 months of our time together, how she likes everything about me and that I swept her off her feet, that she would never forgot me, and although she is very sad that I'm leaving and we might never have a chance to meet in person, she doesn't want to lose me too (I said I didn't want to lose her when we videochatted), and would like to remain friends if possible. About a week later we talked again and I was more open to the idea, but asked for time to think about it. We spoke about 2 hours trying to come up with some sort of arrangement that wouldn't lead to a scenario where neither one of us ends up hurt, but it was to no avail. We agreed to let time pass before we talk again, and keep the communication open in case either one of us decides to message the other down the lineSo I've been wrestling with this concept for the past 3 weeks now of whether or not it would be good to be friends. I've never done that with someone that I've dated or had romantic feelings for. In the positive side of remaining friends, I could keep her in my life and keep talking to her, since we do have tons of common interests, certainly enough to maintain a great rapport. I enjoy sharing my everyday life with her. But the negative possible outcomes keep creeping up in my head. I can't deny that there have been more serious romantic feelings. I don't know if I even know how to talk to her without that side to it. Talking to her might not even be the same anymore, it might be inferior to what we had. We might even go back to texting daily, something that may just keep those romantic feelings aflame, and will just bring more pain in the future, and make it very hard to move on to connect romantically with someone else. The "cute" side of her texting was a big part of her appeal. She would send little emoji's and gif's and say things that I really enjoyed. I might even get jealous if she starts seeing people. I saw her really struggle not to burst into tears when we talked last time, and I don't know if remaining friends would just hurt her and me. And then I circle back to the fact that we never met in person, and it might be fun to have a "virtual friend" who you share a deep connection with. That maybe I just need more time. I'm extremely lost. Should I keep her in my life as a friend? Or should I tell her we can't be friends. Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you so much for your time.
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jealous, long distance, move on, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind words of advice. We finally did meet in person, but ended up agreeing that continuing to talk as friends just wasn't possible for the both of us at this juncture. We still keep in touch, but nothing serious.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2021):
 Wish her well, and cut contact.
This was a fantasy that perhaps could have become reality but never really materialized.
Yes, cute gif and emojis are nice and make us smile but there is no DEPTH to an emoji. Seriously.
People get a "high" from texting and having online conversations - it makes you feel connected and invested in the other person. It's EASY to be your "best version" of yourself to someone online (or over tech in general) because you can send a gif or a emoji when you have nothing really to say, or nothing to add to the conversation.
She might be a LOVELY girl, no doubt - but it's not going to work out if you can not meet and get to REALLY know each other IN PERSON. So SET her AND yourself free and CUT all contact. You will miss each other but you will BOTH have the opportunity to MOVE on and move forward in life.
PRETENDING to be friends is never a good idea. Because you both thought you wanted more than friendship.
And remember if you can find ONE special girl... you can find another. Half the World's population is female. There is a good chance there are more good ones out there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2021): HiYou both sound like a nice couple in general but I think you are in a relationship that is SAFE and DISTANT and not grounded in reality, like many people today.What concerns me here is how often you talk about emojis as emotion. When people come into the REAL world from virtual world, it can be a bit of a rude awakening to find that emoji's are replaced with extremely complex living emotions. I think there is a danger of getting lost in this fake world and dragging unreality along unnecessarily. I could only suggest either both of you make plans to get together in real life and experience all those real emotions and situations that will trial you and test your very spirit, and send you into loves great adventure or thank each other for the support you have given each other in a very hard time lockdown! and say goodbye.Real life is waiting for everyone and it saddens me, no end, that those who are young and free are not fully awake and experiencing the Goosebumps and heart skip of real life.I hope I do not offend you by my words but I have lived a while longer and remember what life was like when it was real and what it was like to see and feel and experience whatever came your way physically.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 February 2021):
 A couple of things puzzle me about your post. Firstly, where you say you "HAVE to move out of the country" and this is going to be "permanent". The second is where you say this girl "doesn't have a visa". It's almost like you have both given up before you start.
That aside, if this really is how it is going to be, then what is the point of staying friends, except to prolong the pain of ending this ersatz relationship? You already hit the hammer on the head when you wrote "I might even get jealous if she starts seeing people". Staying "friends" will (a) hamper you both from moving on as you will be comparing someone new with what you think you have, and (b) when one does move on, as will inevitably happen, the other will feel hurt. Sounds like you are holding onto this "friendship" in the hope that a miracle will happen and you will somehow become a couple. In my experience you can only stay friends with someone if you never had/no long have any romantic feelings towards them. This is absolutely not the case with you two. Neither of you really wants a friendship. You are both hoping for more.
In your shoes I would grasp the truth: that this was never meant to be. Wrong time, wrong place. These things happen. Yes, she's a cute girl who has a lot in common with you. That does not necessarily mean things would have worked out in the real world. If you had a big plaster on your body that you needed to remove, you would have two options: rip it off quickly and experience sharp sudden pain which was over quickly, or peel it off bit by bit and prolong the pain over a period of time. You have the same choice with this girl. The sooner you finish the contact, the sooner the pair of you can move on and start healing. Your choice.
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