A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend at times has selfesteem issues..one moment she is telling me how great i am and sometimes when she mentions it shes crying saying she doesn't deserve how i treat her and she doesn't understand why i love her i deserve better....usually i try to point out my weak points in the relationship to make her feel better..she rarely does anything wrong its usually me if we have a rare fight and shes the first to take the blame...what could cause this and what can i do to help?...i think its depression from a stressful childhood but should i suggest getting medical help or would it make it worse?
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (18 February 2009):
as a rule when someone you care about may be in a bad situation, it can be helpful to focus on them and the negative effects.so if she seems sad a lot, you can say that you are concerned that she seems sad a lot, and is there anything you can do. or ask her to talk about how she feels, especially if she is not in the middle of a blue period.(My immediate reaction was to think depression, though it could be other things.)if she is depressed, the though pattern might go something like "i'm crap, he sees i'm crap, i'm sad, now he's worried, i'm crap, he should be with someone that doesn't worry him, (subconscious: i should start a fight to give him an excuse to leave me so he'd be happier, i don't want to lose him, i'm being selfish)"You get the idea. A way to break that downward spiraling thought is to be happy and loving, while not seeming self-sacrificial. express love, concern, willingness to help, don't make it out to be something scary and huge ("we need to get you to a doctor!!") but rather let her feel like she can talk to you, and that whatever is bothering her might not seem so big if she talked about it, but it's okay if she doesn't want to or can't, you are okay and you are happy to be with her.i'm not sure about how to suggest medical if that should prove necessary - I'd prefer someone with more direct experience to give that advice.what i do know is that, from a relationship standpoint, if someone feels depressed it is like they are in a pit. And the rule is: you don't climb down into the pit with them. They want to get out, and they need to know you are outside the pit waiting for them, not down in there seeing them as they see themselves. That way, when they manage to get out, they feel relieved and you are not a reminder of that pit to them, but rather a reminder of the freedom of being out of it.Not that she's necessarily depressed. Just in case she is.
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