A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm writing about a fwb relationship that I need advice on what to do with. there's this girl I have been talking to for a few months. I liked her strongly at first and couldn't get my mind off her. She expressed interest for me as well, but gave me reason after reason why we shouldn't date. I chased her for about 2 months and tried to alleviate her concerns as best I could, we were friendly to the point of cuddling and whatnot but nothing beyond that. Then after about 3 months I started taking her to parties where one thing would lead to another and before you know it, were full scale fwb. I would rather date, but was content with what we had going on. After a while of this, I started taking her to my friends house where we would partake in small parties. After a few nights of the usual, something happened the next night. We got abnormally wasted and before I knew it I was opening the door of my friends room to see him sleeping with her. I reacted very badly and hurled insults as well as objects. I blacked out a little later due and woke up the next morning and went home. I have been txting her and she doesn't are anything wrong with what she did seeing as we wernt in a relationship. On a side note she.is.from a different town and the only one she knew at that party for more than 2 weeks was me. But I digress, I then told her I'm hurt and she still can't see what she did wrong. So I then told her if bring you to a party, your with me for the night. Not someone else and especially not a good friend of mine. She said she still wants to be friends and I don't kbow what to tell her. I said hypotheticaly, if we were to still be friends I have 2 rules.1 if I take you somewhere, your with me that night. No one else. I don't care what you do when your not with me, but when you are your "with me". Number two was your not allowed to f**k with any of my friends. She said that wouldn't be a problem and after I said if you broke that, things would be bad for her. She still agreed. I then told her that I would sleep on the decision of re-kindling the friendship. This is where my question comes in. Should I accept the hypothetical offer I made and continue where I left off or never talk to her again? I do still have some feelings for her hence the jealousy, but Im ok with being a "bf for the night" did she wrong me at all or is it pure jealousy? How should I handle my friend who I haven't spoken to since then? They both apologized but I'm still hurt by this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated on this.
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sugarcandy +, writes (9 November 2010):
She is single.
&
You are not her boyfriend.
End of story.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): If you flip the genders around then this question becomes pretty ordinary.
You fell for someone but you settled for a FWB because they wouldn't give you a relationship. Then you got upset when they took full advantage of the fact that it was only a FWB without commitment. The answer is the same too, you need to either become exclusive or break it off for your own sake. Probably the latter.
And ditch that male friend of yours. I wouldn't do that to one my friends regardless of what his relationship with the girl was technically called.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): First off technically she didn't wrong you in any way. She's single and it's not really up to you to decide who she sleeps with. As her "friend" there really is nothing to say she can't do these things. They should have been more discreet and perhaps considered your feelings, if your friend knew you had a big thing for her then he shouldn't have done that. The thing is though, you'll feel the exact same about any other guy she decides to date or sleep with.
It was a mistake for you to get into a FWB relationship with a girl you have feelings for. You now see the problems inherent in it. I also think your "rules" or demands are completely unreasonable. Do you demand that all your friends when with you are only with you for that night? If this was another one of your friends and he decided to go off with a girl in front of you would you be making the same demands? I doubt it somehow because you want a relationship not friendship and you're trying to get her to commit to you when she's with you and you're using your position as one of her only friends in a new town to try and make her do that. That's very unfair, either she's your friend and you treat her with the same respect as all your friends and not try to dictate what she does or does not do, or you move on.
Frankly if I were in your position I'd end this FWB thing, you're settling for it only because you want her as a girlfriend so you're feeding off the crumbs she is giving you. I mean you're resorting to blackmail and threats to make her do what you want because you're jealous, is this really how you treat your friends? I don't think it is so you have to ask yourself why you're willing to treat her this way. She's not your girlfriend, she's not solely commuted to you and if it was going to happen with her it already would have. In my opinion you're being a very bad friend to her as you're incapable of treating her fairly because of your feelings for her, but this is the situation you chose to be in with her.
Listen to how you're talking about this "bf for the night", "with me" etc. that's all talk of being in a relationship, but you're not, not even for that night you're not. You're not her boyfriend at all, not even for one second, you're as much her boyfriend as your friend was that night when he shagged her.
It is you who must decide whether you're willing to just accept her as friend and treat her with the same respect as all your friends without making rules, demands and blackmailing her into complying with these demands. "things would be bad for her" seriously dude, What the hell?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 The problem with rules is that to work they have to be made very clear ,and agreed upon, at the very beginning of the agreement ,not halfway through it.
Your two rules - no straying when we go out together, no sex with mutual friends - sound very reasonable to me. But
technically she is perfectly right : you two are not in a relationship, and she had no obligations whatsoever to you. Therefore, I understand why she felt she did nothing wrong ( except ,of course, not showing much class with her behaviour ! )
My advice would be : forget about this FWB thing, they never work,it's like mathematic : sooner or later either one is gonna have feelings and be jealous and suffer , more often it's the girl, this time is you.
Also, don't you think you deserve, and you can do, a bit better ? Like, a girl who is happy and even honoured of dating you ?
...............................
|
