A
male
age
30-35,
*mbiverted-guy
writes:Hi,I feel a bit stupid asking about this because it probably seems so trivial. I think everyone has the feeling that other people don’t properly understand them, yet at the same time are so confident that they know us. There is a gap between how others see us and how we see ourselves.I feel this with everyone close to me and now that I have been in a relationship for just over a year, I feel it with my boyfriend too. I’m an openly gay man 29 year old, but my more extraverted and explorative feminine side, which has always enjoyed a touch of makeup and wants to get my ear pierced, is always suppressed by fear. Sometimes I touch on these topics with other people to see how they'll react. When I told my boyfriend that I have thought about getting my ear pierced, he told me that it doesn't fit with the sort of person I am. He has no issues with people like this - he has a piercing too - but it is at odds with how he sees me. He doesn't realise that the image he and others see isn't who I am - It is me conforming to what they expect me to be. If I got a piercing, people (family etc.) will think i am trying to be someone else, or copying my boyfriend. And for some reason that's a huge barrier for me. I hate the idea of people accused of trying to emulate someone else.I guess i have two questions - How do i overcome this fear? And how do i prepare to respond to people who just don't get the change that they will see?Thanks x Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): People grow, evolve, and we change. We age. If you are always creating an acceptable or palatable-image for others to consume; and/or constantly seeking the approval of other people, you will be trapped where you are.
You can change and decide to stop whenever you please. No-one is stopping you, but you. If your boyfriend has a piercing; and would have the nerve to ditch you for getting one. That's hypocrisy! If not being as petty as all get-out!
Gay-people change their appearance like chameleons or shapeshifters; so your concern about your boyfriend has me scratching my head! He didn't tell you not get a piecing; and you're an adult who wouldn't need it in the first-place! If you're naturally-effeminate; you can't hide-it, and you aren't fooling anybody! People get used to you being one-way; but they also get used to you being another, unless it's something awful!
You seem to have a proclivity for creating restrictions on yourself; based on unsubstantiated-fears. You only "assume" you'll get a bad-reaction; because you've spent so much of your life hiding who you are to please people. It takes time to outgrow that. Good-news! The fact you've written this post is a clear sign you're reaching that point in growth and evolution. You are starting to think for yourself; and you aren't completely dedicated to the task of being acceptable to others. Your only mistake is not taking the leap without asking for our permission. You're openly-gay, what a leap that is to start with! Besides, growing-up and getting older does that to you! You'll introspect, look-back in retrospect; then reach an epiphany! "Why the hell am I doing this?"
If you could come-out as gay to family, friends, and the whole-world...how could it be so hard for you to knock-down your facade, and come completely out of your closet???
You've imprisoned yourself in a false-image to gain acceptance. Perceptions of you are based only what people can see on the outside. They have to know you to know what's inside. You can tell lies or invent some image of who you are, but you won't fool everyone. You don't have to assume a false-identity; unless you are a spy, or living under a federal witness-protection program. You may be fooling yourself; believing you have others fooled anyway. Your parents and family know exactly who you are; and what you are capable of. They will pretend and play along with you, if they think your insecurities depend on it. Otherwise, you will not shock them; unless you become someone extremely toxic, or totally offensive to the people who would expect better of you. Which is totally different from restraining yourself from changing your appearance, or pursuing a dream or goal.
It's your "fear" that holds you in captivity; because it's hard to tell the truth after living a lie for a long-time. When the real-you inside is fighting to get-out; you cannot suppress it indefinitely. You will slip, or you will explode! If you have bi-polar personality-disorder; you might have no choice. Your illness might not allow you to realize or control it. You would require therapy and counseling to determine the cause, or any series of events in your development that made you uncomfortable with being yourself. Medical-evaluation would determine if there is a chemical-imbalance that would require treatment.
It's not like suppressing contemptible or bad-behavior; that is required to maintain good-character, gain respect, and project decency as a human-being. As well as keep you out of jail! That's not the case when you've invented a personality that is not you! People also know when you're phony; because we develop and acquire discernment, good-judgment, and an intuitiveness that helps us to see through the facades people put-on before us. Nobody knows us like our parents.
If you just decide to relax and be you; you might be surprised how easily people will adapt to seeing you being yourself. It's what most are hoping for; but will often yield to your eccentricities or personality-quirks; because they love you. You're harder on yourself than others are; and you can also create warped-perceptions and ideas of what you think people think of you, or want from you. Most of it is in your head!
True-love will draw the real-you out of its hiding-place. You'll become more comfortable with your partner. You'll want to be real and honest with him. You want to be loved for who you are, not for whom people envision or force you to be.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (5 August 2020):
 I think you're definitely suppressing who really are.
You want to get your ear pierced but your boyfriend says it isn't you and your worried that friends and family will question your motives for doing it.
I say, go get that piercing and see how you feel. If you love it (which I think you will) it might just give you the confidence to be the real you. If you hate it, take it out, it's no big deal.
Your boyfriend thinks he knows you, well, he kind of does but he only knows the you that you've allowed him to see.
Your family think they know you but your moulding yourself to what you "think" people are thinking of you.
If you want to wear make up buy some.
Start subtle, maybe just a little mascara and a touch of lip gloss to get everyone used to seeing the real beautiful you and as your confidence grows so can your make-up collection.
I think as your confidence grows your true personality will shine and everyone will see what a beautiful person you are. The more confident you become the happier you will be.
I do think you're conforming to please others because your a sweet, caring loving person who likes to make people happy but you have the right to be happy too and I think the happier you are the happier they'll be.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 August 2020):
 I think this is how fashion trends start, someone does something different or out there, then it catches on, and before you know it half the population are doing that very thing.
If every was worried about what people might say or think then nothing would ever catch on.
If you feel you want to get your ears pierced then go for it, chose the one you want, get it done and hold your head up high as you walk down the road after. It does not matter what anyone thinks but you.
As with anything, you are always going to get certain people that gossip and make comments about something new about someone's appearance. This is normally short lived, and after a while people become board with it and move on to something else.
Enjoy being you, if you want to get your ears pierced, buy that loud top, dye your hair a different colour then go for it, its what you think that matters.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 August 2020):
 Everyone copies someone in some way. Even the most "avant-garde" people out there draw inspiration from OTHER people. Seriously.
Getting your ears pierced is not something so "out there" that ONLY your BF have piercings... right?
If you want them pierced, go for it. BE you, DO you. You can't control what OTHERS might or might not THINK of you or your reasoning.
And having your ears pieced doesn't CHANGE who you are. Just how you look.
Maybe start by being a bit more accepting of yourself and things you would like to do? Wear? enjoy?
You really don't NEED your BF or family's permission to BE you.
While I can see YOU going from no make up to a full drag queen look, would be a LOT to take in for many people, maybe try it out a little at a time. See what YOU like.
It's like people who likes to dye their hair, they might stick to one color first, then a balayage, then a full on rainbow mane. Baby steps. Go with what YOU feel comfortable with. If you BF absolutely hates it, well then reassess. Maybe compromise. But mostly BE ok with being YOU.
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