A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so of a few months ago I wrote this post but I would now like to get some more feedback as this situation is really driving me insane.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/mixed-signals-from-my-crush.htmlBasically, him and I continue to occasionally talk and he kept sending me mixed signals, sometimes being very flirtatious with me, sometimes being very distant, still nothing happened. Eventually we both became busy and we stopped talking at all for two months. One day he appeared and we agreed to have lunch together. I was actually very happy to see him and we were having a great time, I though he was being kind of flirtatious and so was I and we were both smiling and laughing a lot. Then very reluctantly he told me that he had just entered a new relationship and that he was going on a road trip with his new bf that weekend. I was devastated, my heart fell to my stomach and I had to go to the toilet to hide the fact that tears were running down my face. To makes matters worse, It pisses me off so much that he actually went on to make this new relationship "official" while he never did it with me. I know he has terrible insecurities and has been hurt a lot in the past, yet he had the courage to enter a relationship with this new guy and not with me. His BF so happens to be the former lover of his best friend and is someone he knows perfectly well has cheated on his past relationships. Not to mention he also lives in a different State, three hours away. I have sacrificed so much for this guy, both monetarily and emotionally, I have rejected great guys and have gone to great lengths to show him I could make him happy. Yet he prefers this other person knowing full well he will most likely end un getting hurt. I am now doing a semester overseas and I'm not really enjoying the experience. Before my departure I left him a present and a note, we were supposed to meet "As Friends" so he could bid me farewell but he canceled last minute. He didn't take the present well as he said his boyfriend found out and he believed it was "inappropriate" . Yet a few weeks ago he texted me saying that the present was actually very thoughtful and that he loved it, he also says he thinks about me often and hopes I'm doing well. It's very clear that I'm now on the Friendzone, but I can't bear it. We met on Tinder for Christ Sake, we had sex, we have never been friends, we don't know how to be. He has not let me moved on and forget about him, he says he's very fond of him, but truth be told I am only interested in his friendship on the hopes that he'll one day realise how much I love him and give me a second chance. I don't want him as a friend, I want him as a boyfriend and even being thousands of miles apart I cry myself to sleep thinking abut him. It just sucks so much, that someone who has actually never been your friend, someone who is like you ex, someone you're so head over heels for, sends you to the fiend-zone. I think I'd rather have him block me and forget about me, but he is adamant he wants to be 'My friend"
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 Sweetie I am sorry that you have been hurt, but this guy has messed with your head from day one, he is not your ex because he was never your boyfriend. I think to him he flirted he had sex with you but he never offered a relationship, as much as that hurts you it is the truth and you need to look for these signs and actually take some time and date someone. Don't go straight to sex, and don't meet people on tinder, generally that is just for a hook up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2016): Parents don't give gay young people dating advice. So I'm glad I'm here to help other gay people of any age.
In previous responses to OP's regarding mixed-signals, I always forewarn people about wishful-thinking and reading too much into flirtations. You can't trust them; because they are usually an indication you're either being toyed with; or the person you're interested in, is not as interested in you. Some are only teasers and satisfying their own egos by fishing for attention.
You are very young, and this is an excellent learning opportunity, and the timing is great. Sweetie, don't get me wrong; I know how this hurts. I'm a gay man, and I've been in your shoes before. I had to learn we don't always get what we want, and people sometimes will use you because they know how you feel about them.
Keep money out of the equation, unless you're sharing the cost of the date. You pay, if you ask someone out, or agree to split the cost down the middle.
If you choose to travel long-distance for the date, that expense is purely voluntary. If you spend too much, that's your fault. You are not only buying affection but setting yourself up as a sucker. Online scammers and dating site players look for inexperienced lonely people. They befriend you, seduce you, while often searching for someone else at the same time. They may be dating several people at once.
That's part of the risk. This can happen offline as well.
He has made it clear he has chosen someone else. Don't wait for him to block you, block him. Don't be a big baby, your pouting is only showing how immature you are. Let's be honest.
Time to grow-up and man-up. Learn to protect your feelings. Enough of the drama-queen, boyfriend. As I said, you can't always get what you want. Don't let your ego and pride work you over; because you can't stand the sting of rejection. You can't fall-apart like a total wimp, or give him that much power over your feelings.
He may comeback, but if he played you once; he'll play you again! You're nobody's boy-toy; and you have to keep your eyes and ears open to know where a guy is coming from. If you jump at the opportunity for sex right-away, the guy assumes you just wanted a hookup. That's usually the case for gay online dating sites. So beware.
You were always "friend-zoned," until he found his type. He accepted the sex, and you attached your feelings to the sex far too soon. Get to know the guy, don't give-up sex until you know what he's up to. Don't presume anyone is a boyfriend until he officially requests to be, or declares that he wants a commitment with you. This didn't happen, you just decided it should be. Now you're pissed-off and hurt. Get over it!
You're young and many better opportunities will come your way. This learning experience will teach you to be cautious, pay attention to the kind of personality you're dealing with, don't attach your feelings too soon, and to be a man about rejection. It happens to everybody. You will and have rejected people too; so this is a little bit of karma for that. What goes around, comes around.
You'll get over this.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 Dude, you're never going to be more than a friend. If you were you would be already.
I know you're not going to want to be you need to block the dude and get on with your life or you're never going to get over him.
I know exactly how you feel, clinging to the hope that they will change your mind and you feel like you're a perfect fit for each other. But the sad story is you're not meant for each other. It feels like it, but you're not, if you were just ask why you're not in a relationship ?
It sucks man, I personally know it does. But you need to cut contact and move on.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 No, he is just being kind. He knows he has hurt you and does not want to make you feel even worse. So he says diplomatic platitudes which do not cost him any effort
( monetary or emotional ) while he enjoys his new relationship. New relationship who, apparently, is also rather territorial. So take his " let be friends " not as " let's get together platonically and spend time together as buddies " ( which you don't want to do anyway , even if he actually meant it ) but as " please be nice; do not give me a hard time, or a guilt trip , or problems with my bf ".
You don't have to stay stuck in victim mode and wait that he gives you permission to move on, or blocks you. Why should he ? It's always the person who's got the problem who needs to take action. In this case YOU block him. Decide it's the end - game over. Give yourself your own closure and accept that , unluckily, people do not OWE you loving you back because you love them.
It won't hurt any less for the first while, but it will speed up your healing progress, much more than clinging to wishful thinking and begging for crumbs of attention.
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