A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am eighteen, have no parents and share a flat with two other girls. I am getting married at the end of the year to an only son whose parents, naturally worship him. His mother thinks I am going to turn him against her, which is the last thing I want to do as I know what it is like not to have someone to whom you can go when you have problems. We have been saving very hard to buy our own house and have just enough money left for furniture,so now we cannot have a big wedding as my fiance’s mother wanted, but will be getting married in a Register office instead, which we do not mind in the least- no fuss, you see.Well, my future mother-in-law says that if we get married in a Register office she will never forgive us and will not attend the wedding. When we try to explain to her that we can’t afford it she just looks away. But somehow she has managed to convince my fiancé that her way is right. She has sent sixty invitations to her friends whom we hardly ever see, and has arranged for a meal at a big hotel, but has not offered to help out with the money side as she says that is nothing to do with her. Do you think this is fair?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): hi there!
i completely understand your dilemma. my mother in law to be is a complete control freak. you've got off lightly, trust me.
the first thing you need to do is take the bull by the horns: the bull being your man. ask him which is more important: bowing down to his bitch of a mother and her 60 friends or pleasing you - his future wife and mother of his children.
then you need to ask him clearly where the hell he thinks the money is coming from for this?!
she had no right to do this and you know it, so stop stepping on egg shells. if you don't put your foot down now, i'm very sorry to say this, but she will control every aspect of your marriage from here on out, and eventually your children. you will not raise them - she will.
i wish you a world of luck. let us know what happens :)
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Congratulations on your coming wedding.
The problem is not yours.
It is between your MIL and her son.
You just go along with their plans.
I am sure your MIL has a contingency plan or she would not
have gone ahead to issue those invitations and book the hotel for the dinner.
Leave it to your b/f to handle it.
Your MIL could be testing your response.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Mother with single son, she wants big wedding. She must pay, end of problem.
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A
male
reader, Neboraic +, writes (18 June 2008):
This is an easy one, dinner for 60 is impossible without money. If she wants a big wedding, then she can pay for it, its the only possible way to have a big wedding, other than waiting. You dont have any options, no decision to make,its just a matter of getting people to deal with realities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Well, congratulations on your upcoming marriage. However, if this is the way that your mother-in-law is going to act after you get married, then I think that the marriage will quickly be in trouble. You and your fiancee either have to stick together on this one or you had better resign yourself to the possibility that your marraige will be controlled by his mother and not the 2 of you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 June 2008):
 Contact the hotel right now and ask them what financial arrangements have been made, and find how much this this dinner will cost.
This is going to sound really awful but it may be that her 60 invitations may wind up giving you more money and help than the cost of the meal.
But you need to know the bottom line of both things. The cost of the meal vs. the potential amount of wedding presents. I'd ask your fiancee about this too, as it may help you both with the planning.
If she has made arrangements without your signatures, she's liable for the costs, and it might be worth telling the hotel that.
Sorry that you don't have your parents with you to help and give you away with pride.
I do hope that you all can manage to work out a good solution without pitting son against mother, bride against groom and bride against future mother-in-law.
Another off-the-wall thought, is there a friend you could corral into pretending to be a wedding coordinator, who would contact your future mother-in-law, and ask her all sorts of questions on the planning and budget?
No, bad idea. You and your fiancee need to write down the budget, figure out what you possibly could afford and present it as a fait accompli to his mother. And he does now need to choose sides. Sorry. You can tell him to come back and whinge at me if he disagrees.
Congratulations, by the way. Hope your future mother-in-law figures out that you want a good relationship with her!
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A
female
reader, Star_Fish +, writes (18 June 2008):
 Not to be a downer but you may want to reconsider marriage to this man because his mother will ALWAYS be his mother and he will always take her side. You
If she is being so insistant and demanding about the wedding, there's no doubt in my mind that she will continue to interfere are the years go past, and it will probably only get worst.
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A
male
reader, Peterk5699 +, writes (18 June 2008):
 She is only trying to help, yes but i, personally think it is a bit wrong of her to send out that many invites and force you to have a wedding you cannot afford.
You should talk to your fiance about it then to his mum about it but don't be forceful on him.
You'll have to be firm with your future mother-in-law and tell her that you just cannot afford such a bit wedding, you only just have enough for some furniture in the house. And that you're happy to just have it in the registry office.
Good luck and happy wedding day!!
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A
female
reader, spirited +, writes (18 June 2008):
Absolutely not! I know this is a huge burden on you as you have to come between the mother and the child, but if she isn't going to pay for what she wants, then she can't have it. You have to talk to her alone, without your fiance there, and explain to her, first and foremost, the relationship you want to have with her and the relationship you want her to have with her son. You have to let her know that you want a family, not to destroy one. You want to have her as "Mom" you don't have now. Maybe letting her know you need her and want her around will ease her desire to command the ship.
On the other hand, you have to clear things with your fiance. He has to realize that if you two are going to be married, there have to be boundaries between you two, and his family. His mom is not allowed to get involved in all of your business simply because she's family. You have a right to make your own decisions as a couple, and when you need advice and help, you will go to who you deem worthy for that.
It's going to be a difficult task, and you are going to have to be very firm with both your future MIL and fiance. But with communication, I believe you will be able to turn this in your favor. Who knows, she may even give you some of the money you need!
Good luck to you, and congratulations on your wedding!
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