A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Lately I've been feeling as though I made the wrong decision as to what diretion to take with my life. I've been dating my boyfriend for over three years, and its because I love him very much that I chose to stay close to home. We both moved about 30 minutes away from home to attened college, even though he knows its always been my dream to attend a much larger university which is approximately 9 hours away from our home. The school he is currently attending is only suppose to be a 1 year program, and after completing it he told me that he would move with me anywhere I wanted to go. Well the year will be up in about a month, and he still doesn't want to go. It just so happens that he is also in a band, and he has very close friends here. They have been playing together for years, and have finally reached a point of playing lots of shows and clubs where they actually get paid. I'm proud of him, and I know it has always been his dream to pursue music. But I just feel very trapt lately because I have dreams to, and I feel like I've already put them on hold for him. Even more recently I just feel very lonely due to his hectect work and school schedule. We had plans for a very long time to go on a long road trip to see a friend, but due to his job he had to cancel at the last minute, leaving me feeling very dissapointed (it's not the first time this has happened) And even though I know its not his fault, I just feel stuck in a place that I cannot get out of. I've considered thaking a break from the relationship or even trying the long distance thing, but I know that this would not cure my lonelyness, or the fact that I still love him. Any Advice?
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (18 June 2008):
 You have an interesting dilemma here. It kind of boils down to your wishes and desires are in contest with his wishes and desires and the love you feel for him is the connecting bridge. I might be able to contribute specifically to this because I use to play in a band when I was in college.
So, there are very real facts that some bands "make it" while others never develop a following at all. It's completely random (mostly). The thing that's the problem here is that you and your dreams are based more on the traditional structure of a higher education and his have moved more toward chasing the dream. Both have strong merits on their own. All that said, I think that you might be better served to chase your own dreams and desires... yet let him do the same. There is no telling if your relationship will survive a long distance. But I think that you need to fulfill yourself and think of the love and relationship as something that enriches your life, not the reason for living... do see the difference? A relationship is a kind of unwritten agreement and he's putting your needs aside in order to do that. I am sure that you support him, but there should be a limit to how far you'd sacrifice yourself for his needs.
It's a hard thing to balance, not to mention it's dynamic and changes constantly. Ultimately, we all have just ourselves. There's an old joke that says "Always watch out for number one, but don't step in number two!" You are the one.
I hope some of that helped... or at least gave you something to think about. Kinda overly philosophical -- just my mood today...
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