A
male
age
36-40,
*awrflee
writes:I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a girl. I am 24, she is 23. First off I would like to say I know I am not perfect, I dont think its entirely her fault and no I dont know exactly where my fault lies, nor will she tell me half the time. Instead of going through the full 2 years and picking out things I just want to highlight some things that happened on our holiday.So we go on a 2 week holiday a month ago. We outline the things we would like to see but make no proper plan. She tells me she wants to go to a public place outside of the city on the first day. I suggest we leave it for now, because its outside and instead we get used to the city. She agrees. We spend the next 3 days wandering around visiting different attractions inside the city. I have a map and I find shortcuts and streets to get us around efficiently. She complains that Im ordering her around and being bossy. All Im doing is leading us the quickest route to where she wants to go. If she sees a sign that seems to be contradicting the street I want to go down, (one way streets etc, places cars cant go so signs dont point) we argue. I try to show her the map and shes not interested and calls me a control freak and sulks. All the while, because she wore inappropriate footwear her feet hurt and she is complaining nonstop. I do my best, we go to shops to find her shoes, we buy plasters for blisters but the complaints continue.We fought one night because the lock code on my iphone was different from what it was last month. I change it every month. But she for some reason feels she has a right to know the code all the time, Im not hiding anything and I tell her the new one no problem as soon as she asks but I dont get why she has to get angry at me because its changed. Also tonight, after not talking to me for 2 nights she starts talking to me asking me what I had planned for my Saturday night and started making conversation. Why didnt she ask me on Friday or Thursday or even talk to me at all? Is it cause she knows I cant go out on Friday or Thursday cause of work?We fight every night, about anything. Im angry from her complaints and snide insults all day and shes angry because of the heat and her shoes. On the 3rd night I realise Im having a miserable time. So when the fight comes and she slaps me for something I said (I dont recall what it was but I doubt it was pleasant) I lose it and shout at her. Not a rant, I tell her shes pissing me off and has been a nightmare so far and to forget going out anywhere tonight unless shes going alone. I lie down on the bed and read my book. After an hour or so she gets down beside me to sleep and I feel bad for shouting at her and she starts to cry so I try to comfort her but she just slaps my hand away but I keep trying until she lets me hug her. Then she tells me Im not being affectionate anymore and that I really hurt her and that shes tired of fighting.Whenever I upset her with something, she always insults me in some way. Be it with a standard insult like asshole. Or with something personality orientated. We went out one night and I felt tired, depressed (Im BiPolar) and unwelcome in a group of her friends. So I tried to sit out of the way (after trying to blend with the group for an hour or two) and let her have fun with her friends and wait until she was ready to go home as she couldnt get home without me. 4 months on she still brings it up about how I was an asshole and selfish for sitting in the corner refusing to talk to anyone. Truth is her friends had no interest in talking to me and I was in no mood to get them interested.So I decide to approach things a different way. Instead of marking out the routes, I try to get her to do it. Shes not interested and gives out to me and tells me to just do it. When she complains, I squeeze her hand. We stop fighting at night but during the day she still has her sulking periods when Ive managed to do or say something shes not ok with.Skip over a few days and past some minor arguments and we are lying in bed one night and she announces that she "would never marry someone like me". I make a joke of it and say, guess we have no future then Ill just find a new girlfriend tomorrow, goodnight. But that hurt, I mean I dont think Ill marry her, but I havent decided that I wont marry her. So next morning she wakes up and wants to have sex. Im somehow not in the mood... So she starts groping around and kissing me trying to get me in the mood. I ask her to stop. She does. 30 minutes later she tries it again. Again I ask her to stop. She gets upset and makes complaints about how Im not affectionate and dont seem to love her anymore. When I comment on how when she isnt in the mood she slaps my hand and tells me to stop and I do she just makes a comment about how Im always in the mood and its different... 30 minutes later she tries yet again. Again I ask her to stop. She then sulks, doesnt talk to me and just watches TV. An hour passes and she tries again, Im still not in the mood but I give in and have sex with her. I do enjoy it, but not in the way I used to. Before I was happy to be having sex with her, I wanted it to be with her. This time it was just sex. Could have been with anyone, it didnt matter.One of her complaints in our relationship was that I dont tell her I love her enough. She thinks I should say it every day. I dont say it every day. I may not say it once or twice in the week. 3 times on the holiday I said it and got no response. The other 8 or 9 times I got one but she never said it first. Since we have come back we have barely spoken. We were supposed to get an apartment together to save some money and put us both closer to work but now she wants a 2 bedroom apartment to have a separate room for her "in case she needs it".My friends reckon she is emotionally abusive. I think thats a bit extreme but the more I think about it the more it seems to lean that way. I dont want to end the relationship, I would much prefer to try salvage it and get it back to happier times. I dont blame her for everything, I know I have my parts in it too but I cant talk to her about anything negative without her getting upset at me, telling me Im just making lists of the bad stuff she does and when its nice and big throwing it at her. Maybe I phrase it wrong. Maybe shes too sensitive. I dont know.Some advice would be nice. I feel a bit relieved for writing it out anyway. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, eternallyinfinite  +, writes (4 September 2011):
"Emotional abuse is commonly defined as the systematic tearing down of another human being."
Her behavior - calling you an asshole or selfish, saying things like she "would never marry someone like [you]", insults, slapping you all sounds like emotional abuse. She's also controlling, in that she wants to know the passcode for your iphone.
To be honest, she sounds kind of crazy. You should talk to her (nicely, gently, or else she'd probably explode and ignore what you're saying) about how her behavior is unacceptable, and that she needs to change, or else you will leave. And if she refuses to change, then LEAVE. Read over your post again - do you want to LIVE with someone like that?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): You are 24!!! You need to enjoy life and not assist someone with their temper tantrums, trust me girls can be nice also:)) She is just playing HOT and COLD , they also call it PUSH and PULL.... you are basically being emotionally played and if you will move in together while still these games are going on - you will be very very sorry...Success!!!
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