A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:My friend has recently got a new girl friend. I think this is great, really I'm pleased for him. However, we are also good friends, and I enjoy our alone time where I can discuss things that I - perhaps - wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with his girlfriend there. She's nice, warm but - at the same time- clingy and too forward for my liking. She's a bit imposing, constantly calling him and just seems to presume that because me and my mate are good friends, that by extension that makes us good friends and she can treat met as such, and expects the same treatment. This is not the case. Here's were the problem comes in. Basically, when I arrange to meet up with him, she always seems to join us, I don't know if she just invites herself, he invites her or they have both arranged this prior but the fact remains it's not cool. It kind of makes me want to go home, because sometimes they'll start making out/flirting/making eyes. This makes me uncomfortable. But more than that I just don't want to be a third wheel/raspberry and as long as she's there I always will do. How can I go about making it clear to him that basically, if we're meeting up than that's not an open invitation for her to come too. Also, that doubling up his mates/girlfriend to save time actually it pointless, because I'd rather not meet up with him when he is with his girlfriend cos I feel left out and generally awkward. Finally, to just wake up and consider that just because he is happy and loved up, it doesn't mean I'm happy to spend my time sitting on to entertain him and girl because they've run out of things to discuss and are bored. Obviously, she will resent this. So how can I phrase this in a clear, straight-up way? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (31 August 2008):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis has resolved itself. I think the novelty of the new relationship took him over. And after making it clear I didn't like being a third wheel, they never invited me out with only them two. We're stronger friends now. And he can also see my perspective because his best mate stopped responding to his calls when he entered into an intense relationship. I also took the time and developed a short-lived relationship, which made me less cynical
A
male
reader, Imperiqqq  +, writes (31 August 2008):
Dude, I have the same problem, my best friend just got a girlfriend and ever since everything has been different.We no longer talk that much, or hang out, or do anything like before, apparently his girlfriend has some sort of mental control over him, because he is always busy with her.When he is not at school or work, he is with her.I tried to tell him but it didn't work, in fact he just got mad and told me to fuck off!So the moral of the story is:"A pair of tits pull harder than a 100 wagons" I would recommend you to leave the situation as it is, with time things will get better, maybe a little distance from your friend will do the trick, and remember that you have been there long before than she's been, and you will be there long after she is gone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): If he's happy with you as his only freind and his g/f, who are you to judge? everyone lives their own life and some people can't cope with having lots of freinds anyway. On the g/f issue, why can't you just tell him the truth? Say I rather just hang around with you on your own. If he is simple minded, he properly wont mind anyway
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A
male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (4 May 2008):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if she did. They are similar in that they both have very few close friends (and a lot of here-and-there mates) and they are both very family-orientated, simple and content people. He had very few close friends, and he's either drifted apart, lost or misplaced them all in the last few years. His actual two best friends got in relationships and rarely makes any time for him anymore (he exhibits copycat behaviour and refuses to make a big effort if they don't), my friend is really in denial that he actually doesn't have any close friends left because he's still talks about the last two years like they were yesterday and obviously finds it very difficult to make close friends (due to his own social ineptness). I have many, many friends I can confidently say, who I could spend mroe time with. However, it's really important to me to keep hold of my olden, "golden" friends. He has recently adopted a similar ethos but its a little too late, because all his friends have got on with their lives and left him behind. I tried to encourage him to make more friends but he just seems to accept the status quo. And as long as he has me and his girlfriend (what more does he need?)he doesn't think he needs to make any major changes to his personality (if it aint broke why fix it etc)
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A
male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (4 May 2008):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, thats good advice. My friend is a very strange, no incredibly analytical and immature person (maybe this is a cruel way to describe a friend, but he is all these things) as well as kind, generous and funny. But he's my friend and I love him. I don't think its done intentionally to rub his r/p in my face. But he's just not a tactful person and I think he's just so pleased/proud to be in an equivocal r/p that he wants to tell the world, and because of his lack of friends, it's ussually me that he constantly tells. I mean when we speak on the phone every 5 seconds he like 'my bird this' or 'my bird that'. It's kind of annoying and I don't really have the words to make him understand that it's great he's happy, but he's just so fulfilled because he has found someone he doesn't seem to adapted his old life to his new one. Finally, I do have many other friends, but because we're in the middle of examination period, I have noone to play with and this friend is always up for fun.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (4 May 2008):
 does this girl lack friends of her own and presume that a new boyfriend equals a set of new friends?
third wheel is boring and i would tell your mate that this is not what you want to play. he may enjoy rubbing his relationship in your face, if this is the case spend less time with him and go out with other people.
i would not make an effort to place myself in a situation that i was not enjoying
spend time with other friends and if you lack these then this is an area you need to develop-even spending time with aquaintances doing something different is preferential to wasting your time with a couple that have no tact (smootching in front of your mates is actually quite repulsive and immature, not to mention rude)
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (4 May 2008):
does this girl lack friends of her own and presume that a new boyfriend equals a set of new friends?
third wheel is boring and i would tell your mate that this is not what you want to play. he may enjoy rubbing his relationship in your face, if this is the case spend less time with him and go out with other people.
i would not make an effort to place myself in a situation that i was not enjoying
spend time with other friends and if you lack these then this is an area you need to develop-even spending time with aquaintances doing something different is preferential to wasting your time with a couple that have no tact (smootching in front of your mates is actually quite repulsive and immature, not to mention rude)
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A
male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (4 May 2008):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he's not pushing me out. In fact, he seems to be including me in everything, even when it's not really my position. I don't think he seems to be able to see the benefits of having some divide between friends and partners and she doesn't either. But they spend most days together and - both are needy, clingy people - so somehow it works. So having found each other they seem to have more or less given up on outside friendships - except the occassional joint night out. He quite happily rides her coattails and hangs out with her friends (mostly female). He hasn't preserved most of his old friendships. This was very easy for him to do because he never had many close friends to begin with. Anyway, the point is, I'm not sure their 'what's mine is yours' intimacy with each other should really extend to reluctant friends. How do I put this in a subtle but clear way so I don't have to spend time with her, but still get it across to my friend?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Well, he's not pushing me out. In fact, he seems to be including me in everything, even when it's not really my position. I don't think he seems to be able to see the benefits of having some divide between friends and partners and she doesn't either. But they spend most days together and - both are needy, clingy people. So having found each other they seem to have more or less given up on outside friendships - except the occassional joint night out. He quite happily rides her coattails and hangs out with her friends (mostly female). He hasn't preserved most of his old friendships. This was very easy for him to do because he never had many close friends to begin with. Anyway, the point is, I'm not sure their 'what's mine is yours' intimacy with each other should really extend to reluctant friends. How do I put this in a subtle but clear way?
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A
female
reader, ortie +, writes (4 May 2008):
hi i would just be honest and striaght with your mate and just say im glad your happy with your girl friend but dont push me out as a mate ask him for a mates night out
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