A
female
age
26-29,
*ustme..x
writes:Hi, I would be grateful if you could give me some advice. Here is my situation:I am a reasonably quiet, but kind and (sometimes) funny. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends, but I am beginning to feel that they are taking advantage of me. They tend to talk to me when they need help, or when they have a problem they need to share but not otherwise. Of course, I don't mind listening and doing my best to help them out, but almost as soon as I have, they'll leave and go back to their other friends, obviously so much more Interesting than me. I mean, obviously, I don't want to become clingy, but I don't know what to do: it feels like I am just on standby, like for when they need me but otherwise I'm not worth bothering with.To be fair, I do have a couple of really good friends, who genuinely enjoy my company and don't take advantage. However, they already have "best friends" (sounds childish but you know what I mean) who are much closer to them than I am. They are fiercely loyal to them, so I'm not really close there either.What am I doing wrong?? Not to go on about how nice I am, but I have honestly been a good friend to all of them for ages; been there for them, had a laugh with them etc. I don't know why I feel so used. Help please! thanks xx Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Ihavenoname75  +, writes (20 January 2010):
I personally have the same issue going on right this very instant, and my friend and I are going through a bit of an abrasive phase.
You most certainly aren't doing anything wrong, it's just your view of friendship is more personal than theirs. I come to think of some of friendship including the "want" to spend time together. You obviously care more personally than your friend, which is his/her own fault. You are the good kind of friend, the kind that everyone needs and that everyone realizes they have lost once its gone for a while.
Just hang in there, just don't agree to help as much. Finding more personal friends like yourself helps, it gives you an excuse to not help your "not-so-friend" and you will have a new friend FOR LIFE. That's what you are, that's what I am, and you can't change that. You can only deal with people who have a freind-phases, and keep searching for your close friends. Eventually, that friend will talk to you more, at least that's what happened with me when you weren't there that one time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): You are giving more than you are getting. You put a lot of time and effort into a relationship and in most cases, it seems like the effort is not matched. It is important that all relationships are balanced. This means that you should only give what the other person is giving. For instance, if your friend calls you, then you should call her the next time. If your friend asks you to go to the movies, then the next time you’re considering the movies you should ask her. Something else to consider is that you may be choosing the wrong friends. You may be choosing individuals who do not have the same level of interest in friendship that you have. You may be misjudging people. You may think they’re more interested in the friendship than they are. The solution is to limit the time and effort you place into relationships.I have the same problem as you, and sometimes it helps if *you* go to them when *you* have a problem. I felt the same way you did- used, betrayed, etc. But my friends said I never came to them with a problem, so in a sense they weren't used to it. When I did need them, they weren't sure as to how to act, but just being with them helped and I thanked them for being there. Try to reach out to them. If they don't respond or care, then you might have to call up other friends or talk to a trusted adult/counselor/religious leader. You're a very caring and compassionate person- there should be more people like you out there in this world!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Hi when u help others u expect something in return so others don't respond well u feel sad. you really don't need to help those who are selfish. after helping them you will only feel used up.1st ask them for help see whether they are helping u then respond in the same manner.relationship should be Two way.
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A
male
reader, lestatmighty +, writes (9 April 2009):
to be honest there is nothing specific you can do.
that is the way some people are, and you changing how you act wont effect that. just be yourself, and try to stop worrying about if they are really your friends. when you around them just forget about that and act yourself. believe me you will be ok
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