A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling really down. One of the main reasons is that 99.9% of the time that I ask friends/family if they would like to go out somewhere with me they have an excuse why they can't go or else I don't even get the courtesy of a reply. I have been feeling very used lately. It affected the last two relationships I was in. The first boyfriend thought it was hilarious that very few people came along for my birthday a few years ago, and kept teasing me about it. 3 people turned up for it. Even he didn't come out for my birthday.The second boyfriend gradually saw that very few people wanted to come out to anything I organised, and I think he took it that I was very unpopular (even though I don't consider myself to be) so it put him off me.I just don't understand what is going on here. My friends and family are lovely people but everything has to be on their terms. I don't think it helps that my friends and I are in our thirties so since they have married/settled down their priorities have changed.Alot of my friends, including some of my close friends, seem to think it's acceptable to not even acknowledge invitations. I enjoyed a mutual pastime with a friend. We went out to all the events that he liked, but the moment I sent out some invitations to him to an event involving our pastime, I received no reply. I think that they pretend they haven't got the invitations, because actually they don't really want to go, but what I want to know is why they won't go. I have heard of this happening many times before, and not just to me.Ironically, all the friends who do this are fairly popular so if I were to then turn to my friends and decline their offers as a way of teaching them a lesson then I would be the one to lose out as I'd have no-one to go out with. I told a relative the other day that if I didn't make the effort to go out to all the events that they arrange then I would never go out!I'd like to find out WHY they won't do anything I'd like or arrange. Are they bored when they go out with me? Are they scared to do something that they don't have control over? I wonder if it is something about me as a person, but then if it were then surely they wouldn't invite me out at all as they have other friends they could ask. Very few of these friends know each other so this isn't something they are doing as a group.My parents have told me that I'll just have to go out on my own everywhere, but I have done this in the past and as a single woman out on my own at night have felt extremely vulnerable. I can't help thinking that I shouldn't have to be going out on my own.
View related questions:
teasing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): "So since they have married/settled down their priorities have changed."
They simply may not have the time to go out as much as they did before having kids. It's hard to schedule free time when there are diapers to change or homework to help with. I'm sure your friends mean well, but their lifestyle has changed and is different now.
"My friends and family are lovely people but everything has to be on their terms."
While it is great that you are putting time and effort into planning events, your family and friends may have prior commitments. Try to ask around first when people are free and plan some time when everyone can get together.
It might be helpful to find activities that you are interested in like volunteering, book clubs, taking a class in your subject of choice, etc. That way you will find people with the same interests as you. As you develop these friendships, you can plan events that interest all of you. Try to be a little more relaxed with the invites- perhaps make it "regrets only". If no one shows up, have a backup plan and go shopping. Or treat yourself to a glass of wine and a good movie- but don't feel bad- at least you tried!
Since you love planning events, it might also be a good idea to look into event planning as a career or part-time gig. You'll get paid to plan these events and already have plenty of experience doing so! All the best!
A
female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 This is just a response from one of those people that has been on the other side and has lost some good friends because I didn't respond to invitations, return phone calls or make it to their bithday.
Sometimes the planner can get a little self absorbed
this is what I'm doing and you need to want to do it too.
The thought of a planned activity for me, takes the spontaneity out of it. People have so many things on the go that it becomes something they have to do.
your question 'is it that they may be scared over something they don't have control over' may be right alot of the time. So many reasons WHY: don't really want to go to that event, don't really like the group going, don't want to plan my social life, want to be alone instead,want to be at home with the fam, would rather sleep, will see how I feel when that day arrives, Don't want to say yes and then let her down last minute, they may have no idea that that event may be really important to the person planning it. Mostly all will have nothing to do with you or your company so please don't take it personally!
I would have trouble making it to a dinner with jesus.
Secondly, I have been working on this and trying to attend events more and go with the flow. I needed to stop resisting life when it brought me opportunities and invitations. Good for you that you are free spirited enough to attend most things you are invited to! don't ever change that !
Keep inviting but also accepting if there are no replies and go with the flow of what is ...guess I'm on my own tonite and make that okay too!
:)
...............................
A
female
reader, savixx  +, writes (22 June 2010):
Hey, I know how horrible it can be to organize something, and then to have no one turn up.
Luckily, I was able to learn from experience and now I generally am able to get people to come to my events!
One way to get people to turn up somewhere is by calling them on the phone to invite them, or even better in person (not always easy though). That way, people feel that the invitation is much more personal, and feel not only obligated to come, but also touched that you have thought of them!!
Another thing is to ask for help. If you are throwing a party, ask for people to bring specific things, such as drinks, or a desert, or even the music. Not only is it a compliment to the person (you are telling them you like their taste in music/cooking skills) they also feel more involved in the event.
Don't be afraid to hype-up things that you are planning. Not long ago, a friend and I organized a epic hide-and-seek game in IKEA. At first people were dubious, and reluctant to come, but then we started the exagerated excitement, and those that came had an incredible time - and those that didn't heard about it, and said they regretted not coming! By making out like it was going to be crazy-insane-fun, people automatically assumed it would be.
Another trick I have used is a bit cheeky- people will always come if they know there friends will be there, but no one ever wants to make the deciding move.
So you call person A, and casually mention that person B (his good friend) is going to be there, then call person B and tell them person A is going to be there... Make sure you don't get caught, but it's better to do this to people who will laugh along- just in case!
Good Luck with all future plans!
xx
...............................
|
