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*ild Thaing
writes:Fellow agony aunts, I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for about a month. Her guy wants a wife and kids - he is at the stage of life where these things should have happened by now. My friend is a few months away from starting her doctorate in a city thousands of miles away.Yesterday, she had a "formal" introduction to his mother. Apparently *she* (his mother) wanted to meet my friend and apparently she (his mother) initiated the whole thing. I told my friend that her guy is pretty clever and by having her mother initiate, it would not seem like he is seeking approval from his mother. I told my friend that I think he put her mother up to it, and that he desperately wants to get on the fast track to a long term relationship with her.My friend also told me that her guy was also keen to have his dad meet her. After hearing this, I told her that she is being subjected to the mummy and daddy test, and warned her that he was desperate. My exact words were, "I haven't met your guy in person, but I can smell the desperation."If someone you had been seeing for a month wanted to introduce you to the parents, would that seem premature, and would it smack of desperation? I want to know if I overreacted by calling yesterday's encounter the "mummy test" and hauling out the desperation card.I love my friend dearly, so I also want to know from my fellow agony aunts if my bias has clouded my judgement.Thanks in advance to all who take the time to respond.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (14 June 2006):
Wild Thaing is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just had lunch today with my friend. She has come to see things the way Dr. Psych (and I) are seeing the situation and has concluded that he is not the one for her. Her reasons included doubts that he could create a support system from nothing, plus the fact that while he is looking for the woman who will bear his children NOW, she won't be ready to accommodate his request for at least five years. So she has already told him that their relationship has an expiry date. I find her use of the term "expiry date" somewhat curious, but I think she is trying to be considerate. She is an up front yet compassionate person who has no problems with break ups so I guess I should not be surprised.
I thought I owed an update to everyone who took the time to respond. Thanks!
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (31 May 2006):
 But the thing is it is the individuals decison if they need that *needy* partner or not. You adding pressure by 'disapproving' of the relationship will not help.
Maybe this is a slightly simplistic view, but the fact he has a good relationship with his family need not spell disaster. I am close to my mother and have only ever lived 200 miles away from her. Why should this be a problem? Family can be our greatest support unit from any distance.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (31 May 2006):
Wild Thaing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDr. Psych, yours is the response that best reflects my concerns. I know how stressful a Ph.D program is going to be for her. There is ample b.s. in dealing with the comprehensive exams (they do still this to candidates here), and the last thing a candidate needs during this phase is a needy partner.
This guy has never been further away from a parent than a hundred miles. If the relationship becomes really serious and he decides to follow her, he will find himself in a city thousands of miles away from his support system, so the only one that will be his support system is my friend. It is possible that he could build a support system in this new city so that he can be supportive of her during the rough times. But that is not certain, and I've met few people in my life who can build a support system after starting from zero.
My friend has a really good head on her shoulders, and generally so do I. For this reason we can keep the b.s. factor low in our friendship. As you said Dr. Psych, she will discover the truth on her own. And I just need to calm down and trust that she won't abandon such a promising career.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (31 May 2006):
Wild Thaing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who have replied. After letting it sink in for a day I've come to the same conclusion as most of you - I overreacted in a very uncharacteristic way. I told my friend as much and apologized. Fortunately she knows me well enough to know that I would come to my senses after a while.
What really set me off yesterday was that now she wasn't at all excited about moving away to start her doctorate. But I can understand this because I wasn't too thrilled about having to turn the relationship with my wife into a long distance one after being together for only three months.
Yesterday my worry was that she could give up something she really wanted to do (and would succeed at) to pursue a relationship that couldn't possibly satisfy her career ambitions. I guess I fear that intentionally or not, this relationship could torpedo her career. But that is not for me to comment on since that situation may never come to pass.
Thanks again to all who set me straight. I wasn't sure who that guy was that was writing all that stuff.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 May 2006):
His Mum wanted to meet the person he has feelings for. And you think this is odd? I think the friendship dynamic is a little off kilter here. Stay out of it. Don't cause problems for your friend were none exsist. The *mummy test*, do you ahve issues with your mum then?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Maybe he just really likes her?
I think your friend would know if he seems desperate... not you! :)
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (30 May 2006):
 I personally don't think it smacks of desperation. You (and your pal) don't know about this man's family dynamics - some parents would be pushy to meet their children's partners and acquaintances; partly out of nosey tendencies and partly because of control issues (some parents can never let go of their 'babies' and want to check out if your friend is 'good enough'). When I was doing my doctorate, I was seeing this guy at my college and his mother rang me, and invited herself to my place within a matter of weeks to check out the 'enemy'. My ex was a Mummy's boy and having met her I was resolved never to marry him as it would have been the in'law from hell. She never wanted to meet me again and spent two years trying to pry him back under the control of her apron strings. I dumped him because he was weak and ineffective in lots of ways including listening to his mother's every word, but I was preparing for my final viva exam and about to lose the plot too. His mother wrote me a letter saying she hoped I died from something nasty for 'using' her poor little boy...mature I know! Friends and family told me they didn't like him while we dated, and I don't think I took too kindly to the interference and just thought they were being a bit jealous. Talking from experience, I can safely say a doctorate is probably the most stressful experience you can ever go through. The drop out rate reflects that! Your friend will be spending three or more years of her life studying something that only a few people in the world may understand. She would need a supportive, independent partner during this time as she will be very wrapped up in what she is doing, and he won't be able to make too many demands on her time/energy. If the current guy doesn't fit the bill then the cracks in the relationship are going to show, and it just won't last if he is looking for a stay-at-home mother to his kids. As a friend to this girl, all you can do is sit back and give her support through the torture that is a PhD! Let her find out what he, and his family, are like on her own - self discovery is always the best way!
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (30 May 2006):
 I dont think a month is too early at all! When my relationship started it only took a couple of weeks before I have met the parents. I would think it odd if it didnt kinda happen that way. It shows that your guy is into you and cant wait for everyone to know your together! Just because you think she is going to throw away her career over a bloke she hasnt known that long, it doesnt show that you have any belief in your friend... Or is it that your a tad jealous.. without sounding harsh, shes got a brilliant career lined up and now a fantastic man on the scence that cant wait to show her off!! take it easy on her and stop with the over the top attitude, shes not going to thank you for attacking her man before you have even met him.
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male
reader, addavis8 +, writes (30 May 2006):
 I agree with Hopeful on this one,
Its nice that you care for your friends academic future, but I am sure that since she is up for her doctorate she is very intelligent and capable of sniffing out "desperation" herself if thats the case.
I agreee that its definitely positive if he is willfully introducing her to his parents. I know I have only introduced my parents to the one girl I see something special in. Some of the most successful relationships, which I have seen, that were called "rushed" lead to healthy stable marriages.
Finally, I dont think there is a downside to this particular "mummy" test because it has only been a month.
Give the guy a chance, he apparently likes her a lot.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (30 May 2006):
Why don't you want your friend to met her partner's friend at this point?
Why is it desperate for him and his family to meet your friend?
If anything, you should be pleased that your friend has met someone who obviously adores her if he wants his parents to meet her and they want to meet her.
Just because a guy wants to get married and get his girlfriend to meet his parents doesn't mean he is "desperate" maybe he just really likes her and is very close to his family and wanted them to meet her.
Why are you so against this guy that you haven't met?
Why don't you let your friend make her own decisions - sure, if you think its soon, say to her "wow, that is soon" but don't call her boyfriend desperate when you don't know his situation and don't assume that he has cooked up this scheme to get her to meet his parents.
I think you need to take a step back and let your friend stand on her own two feet. It sounds like you are scared that she is going to marry this guy quickly and abandon her studies.
Give your friend some credit that she can make her own decisions and give her partner a break - he might be a decent bloke after all.
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