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female
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anonymous
writes:I have been casually seeing a freind of mine for a three months now. We had been freinds for a while and kissed one night when we were out drinking. We are both single and happy to be single. We kissed the following weekend have been kissing and having sex for the last 3 months. It started as a drunken mistake and has taken on a course of it's own. We would make sure we were at the same friends house or party every weekend so we could see each other and we would spend the entire weekends together usually from Thursday night until Monday morning. We would hang out and go to parties aswell as sleep over at each other's houses. After a month or so he asked me where it was heading and I said that we were just friends having fun, when it wasn't fun anymore we should stop. I told him I didn't want a relationship but I did care about him. He seemed happy with that and told me he wouldn't see anyone else as long as we kept it going. He told me he had a great amount of repect for me and cared about me heaps.Things kept going for another month like before.Now he is acting differently. We rarely call each other, just make sure we meet up somewhere at the start of a weekend and then spend the next three days insperable until the next weekend. But two weeks ago I was sick on the Thursday and Friday nights and stayed home. I didn't hear from him at all and didn't worry too much as a mutual friend was having his going away party the saturday night. I was there at 9pm and my guy didn't arrive until 11.30pm, I barely got a chance to say hi to him before at 11.45 he was getting in a cab out the front with a male friend of his. I tried calling him and he didn't answer. Pride forced me not to call him and he didn't try to contact me either. We ran into each other the following Saturday at a mutual friends and he tried to hug me and act normal. I pulled away from him, we had a few words which consisted of him saying he was to scared to speak to me because he felt bad about the way he acted at the going away party. I told him he made me feel bad and he got in his car and left. He has done something similar once before on the night of his birthday when I had been seeing him romantically for 6 weeks. We had plans (a group of us) to see a band and he wouldn't answer anyones calls including mine. I didn't hear from him for 3 days after that(even though other friends had) until I went over to his house and he said he wanted to speak to me but was too scared. Everything was ok after that and he was glad I went to his house. But he makes me feel so good most of the time then treats me like I am nothing to him. I don't understand what is going on in his head. It's been 3 days since I saw him and he drove away. I don't know if I should forget about him or go see him. But either way I don't feel like I should be the one to have to go and see him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I didn't go and see him, he still hasn't called and I just heard through friends he's moving interstate in 3 days time!!!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (30 May 2006):
 To me it appears you have two options:
1 - 'Break up' with him, meaning cease having a sexual relationship. You may or may not remain friends.
2 - Have a 'real' relationship with him. This means going to see him and telling him how you feel, and that you want to be with him 'officially'.
You need to either commit or cut your losses. He has clearly lost interest in the vague middle-ground. Don't blame him for your current feelings, and don't criticize his behaviour. Based on the arrangement you had he's playing perfectly within the rules. If you honestly like him, tell him so and make a fresh start with stronger commitment to each other. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for responding to my question! Even yoyouyont who seems to think I'm being a bitch! Both of your advice is clearly taken on board and my sincere thanks to the both of you. Maybe I am being a cold hearted bitch but one thing I guess I forgot to add is that I have never been in a relationship before, so it's all new to me. I have always enjoyed being single but now at 23 I guess I am enjoying his companionship more then I first predicted. Maybe I am trying to wreck it all because I am scared of getting hurt. Maybe it is time for me to grow up and admit it's not a bad thing to actually have feelings for someone and if I didn't care about this guy alot (which I really do) I wouldn't care if he was disapearing anyway!
Thank you I'll try and speak to him and see what's going on. Also please remember, he asked me what was going on and said he respected me and cared about me. I told him the same thing and it was a mutual agreement that we don't get any more serious. I was just the first to say it. His disapearing acts where nothing but confusing for me. A cry for my attention because he was too chicken to suggest we become 'serious' or losing interest and not wanting to see me without having to be the one to hurt a friend? It could be either. But the only one that can give me any real answers is him so that's who I have to speak to. Wow, I think I just answered my own question!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for responding to my question! Even yoyouyont who seems to think I'm being a bitch! Both of your advice is clearly taken on board and my sincere thanks to the both of you. Maybe I am being a cold hearted bitch but one thing I guess I forgot to add is that I have never been in a relationship before, so it's all new to me. I have always enjoyed being single but now at 23 I guess I am enjoying his companionship more then I first predicted. Maybe it is time for me to grow up and admit it's not a bad thing to actually have feelings for someone and if I didn't care about this guy alot (which I really do) I wouldn't care if he was disapearing anyway!
Thank you I'll try and speak to him and see what's going on. Also please remember, he asked me what was going on and said he respected me and cared about me. I told him the same thing and it was a mutual agreement that we don't get any more serious. I was just the first to say it. His disapearing acts where nothing but confusing for me. A cry for my attention because he was too chicken to suggest we become 'serious' or losing interest and not wanting to see me without having to be the one to hurt a friend it could be either. But the only one that can give me any real answers is him so that's who I have to speak to. Thanks.
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reader, addavis8 +, writes (30 May 2006):
 I have been in a similar friends with feelings, monogamous relationship. It went on for about 6 months with some pretty intense weeks of fighting, and some really great weeks of low-commitment but intimate hooking up. All in all, it never worked out how it was supposed to especially when we eventually became inseperable every weekend as you seem to be. We finally spent one of those weekends finding out what we both wanted from eachother and admitting that we hadnt been honest with eachother or ourselves since the relationship intensified and we didnt adapt or change. When my girlfriend initiated the conversation by telling me how confused she had been by all the avoiding, and ignoring it relieved all the tension and worked out great.I am happy to report that we have been dating exclusively for almost two years now!
Anyway, "open" relationships create awkward stalemates like the one you seem to be in. Communication breakdowns, and a lack of real commitment prevent good relationships from progressing and bad ones from ending.
His disappearances are definitely significant, they could be him trying to convince himself that he is still single, probably because you seem content with the non-exclusive status and it makes him insecure. I know I was embarrassed when I thought I was the one "getting attatched," especially when its socially cool to be a guy who gets "love for nothing." Or (I doubt this is the case though) they are his attempts to show you that he still thinks of himself as single and is trying to keep some distance because he is really doesnt want a relationship.
Either way, you should stop stalling, be very open with your concerns, show him this question to show where you stand even. But first figure out what you want, you cant help anything if you dont know where you stand. It sounds like you enjoy eachother's companionship and it also sounds like he has committed to you already. Furthermore, since you spend a lot of time together publicly and privately I doubt dating would be that big of a step, so that is a possible solution. Whatever ends up happening, talking it out will let you know "whats going on in his head" and you will be relieved of the confusion. Best of luck!
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reader, yoyouyont +, writes (30 May 2006):
i'm sorry but you need to realise that you have done nothing but tept and push this man away. Your behaviour would not attract me as i would think you cared little. you sound like a man with your high horse desire to sabotage this for yourself, and negative viewpoint. chill out, relax and stop putting yourself and him on edge as it wont do you any good. He sounds nice, sorry but in this life you have to appreciate what others are about and not just wait for your perfectly timed moment of romantic contrivance. I have had these same views as you a while back. It sounds to me like your are mildly negative concerning men and you subconciously desire to fuck this up for yourself out of self hatred( strong term but it doesn't necessarilly have to be that intense). what i mean is stop looking for flaws now! i made the mistake of being insecure and low with this man i love and he currently doent feel how i do so dont let your negative schema/blueprint interfere with your quest for true love. stop scarring him as it sounds like you are a force to be reckoned with, so chill bitch and enjoy and absorb the beauty of life. It wont last long enough.
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