A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27 and in a relationship, but this is a question about a friend. Before any of you jump in saying that it's weird for straight taken guys to have female friends, let me just say that I've had female friends since I was about 3 and that just because I'm in a relationship that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to still be hurt when friendships go wrong. Long story short, in September I was reacquainted via Instagram with an old course mate of mine from university (I graduated four years ago and hadn't seen or spoken to this girl since), and we developed an EXTREMELY close friendship over WhatsApp. We became even closer when she split with her boyfriend and she later claimed that I was 'her saviour' and posted a couple of times on social media about me being 'the best person ever'. Our closeness was due to the fact that we had the same interests, sense of humour and both struggled with things like anxiety so had that deep understanding. We live four hours away but she actually came to visit my city about two months into the friendship and we spent two days together and got on amazingly - my girlfriend loved her and we totally made plans to all hang out again. When my friend returned home, we continued to talk and my fears about it not being 'the same' in person were gone now so it felt even more genuine. A few weeks later, her responses over WhatsApp became totally standoffish and distant - like literally overnight. I wasn't going to do all the 'did I do something wrong?' stuff because I just find it a bit cringe, so we carried on texting but it was nothing like it had been before. It started to feel so strange that this person who had been so enthusiastic and bubbly had suddenly turned, so today I texted asking if we were good and that I barely seem to hear from her nowadays. She responded literally a minute later apologising and saying that she'd met a guy she likes and that when this happens she drops everything and everyone, ending the text with a blunt 'sorry'. Now, we all drift apart from friends, but this was a total switch from being brother and sister to literally 'I've met someone so I don't need you anymore'. I haven't replied yet and I have no idea what to say. Sure, my girlfriend comes first, but this was very hurtful. So, what do people think? Do you have the right to suddenly cut someone off like that? I would personally never do that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2020): CindyCares is right, on every count.
I would only add that it's a very strange thing that friendships can often feel at least - if not more - emotionally bonded than if one were in a relationship and yet there is a huge amount of judgement levied at people who would behave like this in a relationship but NOT at friends who behave like this. It's very strange but true. I can tell you I've been extremely hurt by similar behaviours and I also don't find quality friendships that easy to come by.
So, the idea that, in friendships, one is disposable at any given moment, that there are no 'rules' that friends need to abide by as they would if they were a partner, and the implication that one can 'easily' pick up a similar friendship and continue to give generously into that friendship, seems tantamount to a form of madness.
I am betting this will change in future. There will be some sort of new attention (probably directed by capitalism which always seeks to make money out of neglected areas) to rules for friendships. I personally think there needs to be!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 February 2020):
 Yes, she has the right to cut you off whenever she thinks suitable.You can't force people to be your friend or to be there for you, friendship can't be an obligation or a legally binding contract .The moment that either party feels something has changed in their dynamics, or in what they get / expect from that friendship, they have any right to pull back. Although, of course, there are people who are elegant, gracious and compassionate in doing so, and other people, not so much.
Your ( ex ) friend wasn't that bad,- she did not exactly " cut you off ", she just decreased the frequency and intensity of your contacts, and when you asked why, she explained you precisely why. That you don't like the explanatation is, alas, your problem, not hers.
You sound very surprised by her behaviour, which is, instead , very common. It may not be very feminist , but… it is a thing. Still. There are plenty of women that drop all their friendships ( of any gender ) but maybe the very closest
ones, the moment a new partner , or potential partner, shows up. Time , energy , and sometimes money too, in case the R/ship involves travelling, are limited, so BF goes ways up in the list of priorities and friends go way down. Another thing in this male / female relationship is that often some women like receiving male attention , and being exposed to a male energy, a male " vibe "- without , for that, having to be involved in a sexual / declaredly romantic relationship. It feels a bit like " having " someone , while still remaining single and free to wait for the arrival of Mr. Right. When Mr. Right arrives, HE can provide that vibe and fulfill those needs and unspoken demands.
I am not saying that all this is commendable, just that it happens some times.
Another thing to consider is that, even without necessarily being a jealous type, the new guy may not be as laid back and compliant as your girlfriend is, and may, understandably, have a problem with a girlfriend having such a tight, close relationship with another man.
This is not a case, say, of a girl who loves to play tennis but has a non-playing boyfriend so goes instead to play tennis with a male friend who share her enthusiasm for the game. ( Of course, substitute to " tennis " any other interest, from music to politics to animals etc.etc. , it still works ). We are not talking about sharing hobbies, passtimes and interests with like-minded males other than the BF. We are talking about chosing another male as best friend and confident, someone you open up to and tell secrets and share state of minds and personal, intimate matters…….. well,if you have a decent boyfriend, what do you need another man for that ?? ( says, reasonably, the boyfriend ). That your own girlfriend does not mind at all you getting so tight and so intense with another lady, well, that's nice, it means she is generous, easygoing and self-
confident , but I suspect she is more the exception than the rule.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 February 2020):
 While I do think men and women can be friends, TRUE platonic friendships like this are rare. Usually because at some point someone can catch feelings, whether they like it or not.
And sometimes their partners DO not approve of such close friendships because they themselves haven't had such a friendship go well.
My guess is that her new beau is not too keen on the friendship OR SHE is the kind of girl who drops (even if only temporarily) all other people as soon as she starts to date a guy. I have have some of my female friends do this. They almost vanish from the Earth and the social circle only to reappear when things go south or they are more established in the relationship.
You know, the two of you managed to become reacquainted after 4 years of silence, so give her some space for her new relationship to take center stage. You have ( I presume) other friends?
Another thing you might want to consider is friendships between men and women are VERY different than between women & women and men & men. When she was single it was Nice with the "Male attention" from you, her friend but now that she has a BF she gets that attention from him.
You ask:" Do you have the right to suddenly cut someone off like that?" OF COURSE she gas the "right" to not talk to you as much as she used to. However that makes her more of a "fair-weather" friend more than a true friend to be honest.
Just wish her all the best and stick to people you don't just maintain a connection with over an app. Plus not talking to her any more should free up SO much time for you to lavish on your GF instead.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2020): BTW, I don't think your girlfriend would care for the emphasis placed on how close you were getting...
"Long story short, in September I was reacquainted via Instagram with an old course mate of mine from university (I graduated four years ago and hadn't seen or spoken to this girl since), and we developed an EXTREMELY close friendship over WhatsApp"
We know how you might feel about it; but we don't get your girlfriend's opinion on the matter. I personally think, she's righteous for moving-on and not becoming a wedge or competition for your affections. I bet your girlfriend would like my opinion!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2020): Yes, she does have a right to cut you off.
I agree it was hurtful; but she apparently needed your moral-support only temporarily. You can't control the depth of how other people feel about you; or the reasons that they suddenly change. It could be said, you were more into the friendship than she was. She found someone who provides her with both emotional-support and romance; but you were taken.
She respected the fact you're a guy with a girlfriend. She met your lady, respected her place next to you; and she probably has her own code about guys who are taken, with lady-friends. You got cut-off cold and abruptly; which is probably her way of weaning herself off emotional-dependency. She found a guy who gives her everything she needs; now you can concentrate all your attention on your girlfriend.
You enjoyed the feeling of being her noble-savior; but it was only meant to be temporary. You wouldn't do it perhaps; but she doesn't have to abide by your personal-ethics, or do things your way. She has her own way of doing things. By the way, girls do talk. She and your significant-other honor the girl-code, they may have an understanding as well.
She may not have liked her ex having lady-friends; and made sure she doesn't violate her own rules and boundaries. She's not a player, nor a hypocrite. She was down, and now she's up; and doesn't need you as a crutch.
No guy-friends when she's with a guy. Seems understandable. Try not to be needy, you've got other friends...right?
She might even have picked-up on you getting a little more attached than she intended; and she has every right to determine how close you get to her when she's vulnerable, or looking for other romantic-interests. She's a 21st-century modern-female, and that's how she rolls!
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