| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm struggling with the number of sex partners my boyfriend has had before meeting me. I've only been with one other man besides him and that was my ex husband. My bf has had sex with way more people than I have. But he says his morals and values are aligned with my own. When we first started dating, we were both open and transparent about our past. But yesterday after having been together for years he told me about a woman he had sex with that he never disclosed to me before. He said that encounter was inconsequential. Years earlier he said he had only one sex partner after being separated from his first wife. Then yesterday he told me about this other woman who he was also involved with after his separation but failed to mention years ago. He went on to say there were probably other liaisons that were inconsequential. But I didn't know about her and these other inconsequential liaisons until yesterday. I asked why he never told me about them when we were being open and transparent at the start of our relationship and sharing this information with each other? He said it wasn't important. That he forgot. And has probably forgotten the other inconsequential sexual encounters. Well, I on the other hand, don't share his views. I think it's important. Important that he omitted such information from me and told me years later. Important that he sees sex as inconsequential. Important that he could forget times where he was involved in such intimate acts. Important that he's asked me to let it go and stop being so judgmental.I am feeling hurt. I feel like if he left her out, how many more could he be hiding? Maybe he was a player and maybe he hasnt changed? He says past behaviour should be let go. It doesn't matter because I wasn't around. I think past behaviour does matter. It shows the kind of person they are, whether they are more likely to repeat the behaviour. So if they had sex with lots of women it could indicate a character flaw, lack of integrity or morals, sex addiction etc.How am I to make sense of this? I'm not feeling safe in this relationship right now.Thx.Do you think I'm justified or am I being too judgmental like my boyfriend says?
View related questions:
my ex, player, sex addict Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hilary  +, writes (19 May 2020):
 If you find it hard to accept that your boyfriend has been economical with the truth, dishonest at times and more into sex then you do not find ways to accept it. You decide to stay and not complain and accept it or end the relationship, those are the two choices. We all have deal breakers and you are entitled to yours. You do not need to explain them or discuss them with him, us or anyone. Just do whatever makes you feel the happiest.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): You've received excellent advice from everyone. I'd like to add to something a previous poster touched on. Has your boyfriend ever cheated on you or any woman he has been involved with? If that's the case, the context of your question changes dramatically.
If he has cheated before it's understandable that he seems to have a way with women as many have allowed him sexual access. Therefore yes, player comes to mind. He has got game. Your concerns make sense. If he is a skirt chaser who could be a narcissist or sex addict based on bedding numerous women, and go so far as to cheat to indulge in his own selfish desires, I'd say you need to reevaluate. I can also understand wondering whether he has added notches on his bed post while being in a relationship with you considering his past if he has showed a lack of self control regarding sex as well as loose morals to cheat.
I would suggest proceeding carefully. You can choose trust but be well aware of all possibilities with this man. Some people are who they are based on past experience and they will never change. Not even for a woman they love. They may change for a time but eventually when they get bored or if there are problems they will revert back to their old ways. I don't believe a tiger can change his stripes if he is a womanizer. I do think however he can hide them. That's why it's up to you in the end to look after your own heart. Nobody should ever be too naive.
I wish you well.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): We all have different ideas about what is good, what is bad and have our own values and morales. Some people prefer to stay with one partner while others sort of dance around and try several or many partners. Its all about who you are, what you want to deal with. One person's idea is obviously going to be different than another's but who is right and who is wrong? Its all about what each person can live with. Some people regret their past, others do not.
I think you should consider your boyfriend's past but unless he did something really awful you shouldn't hold it against him. It sounds like he "left out" things but for what reason..who knows? Maybe he was afraid, perhaps he forgot some things. Its hard to say. I don't agree with lying but I think part of it is that now that he has been with you for so long he feels comfortable to come clean with you. Again..not right but only you can decide if its something that you can accept and move on from. Men have a tendency to brag while women might be more apt to conceal for fear of being judged.
Many people make mistakes in their sexual past and sadly we can't go back. I met my husband when he was 34. He had only been with one woman his ex wife, and he had not had sex till he was 26. I on the other hand, had been married and divorced twice, had 2 kids and had been with 10 sexual partners. Yes, I am ashamed of that even now although the number is quite low compared to many people! Did he judge me? No not at all. He loved me. He trusted me. We told each other briefly about our sexual past and then he said "That was then..this is now. We don't need to discuss this again." That was it. We have now been together almost 20 years and I don't worry about my past like I used to because I know I am loved and cherished. He could have asked me many questions about my past. I probably couldn't even remember everything (not even trying to lie just can't remember) He didn't.
Do you love this man? Do you trust him? Is he good to you? Maybe you can have one last talk and let things go? I mean, you either trust him or you don't. I don't think he kept things from you to hurt you if that means anything to you.
I'm sure you understand that at your age almost any man is going to have sexual experience, and more than likely more than you. You have to find a way to deal with it, let it go..or find someone who has very little experience. If you chose to be with him, I'd stop asking about the past. It obviously bothers you greatly and neither of you can change it, so why bring it up?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): Far too much weight is put on this question. I personally think we should query asking the question at all- thing is, what difference does it make if you know how people your partner has slept with? No, really- what does it matter?
'Doesn't align with your morals' is a pretty shakey thing these days. What morals are you talking about, and why are yours better than his? Granted, you'd want to know that he is STD free or if he has kids from past relationships, that sort of thing, but what does the number of sexual partners beyond that information really serve you?
What does he want in a partner right now? Surely that's what's important- and maybe that's where your morals align.
To further my advice, I'd like to share my own personal experience. I am 43, have been married for 10 years, together 15. In the early days of our relationship we discussed the very same question. For me, it was interesting because it demonstrated that my wife-to-be had very little sexual experience. Which wasn't a problem, just that I needed to pay attention to her desires and confidence a little more.
Now, I didn't tell my wife the whole number who I'd slept with. Not because I was trying to decieve her. Not because I wanted to lie to her. I just don't keep a tally chart above my headboard. I'm the kind of guy who prefers to have girlfriends. I have had one or two one night stands. There are some of those past partners who, as everyone experiences, it didn't work out well at all and I preferred to forget about them. Like- forget completely. You know what I mean, I'm sure.
Of course, years later, it comes up that my number is a little higher than I said to her originally. But then she had the 'fortune' to meet one of the ladies I prefer to never remember again. Suddenly, taking into account what she knows about me now, my wife understood.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 February 2020):
 If it was a one night stand type of encounter, or something else equally casual, then I completely understand his reasoning. I have never been in a relationship where I have been quizzed on my past sexual partners but, if I had, there are a couple I would probably omit for the same reason as your boyfriend did: they were brief encounters which were less than satisfactory and which I wrote off as mistakes as soon as they happened. In my mind, they didn't "count".
Your boyfriend is still the same person you have happily shared your life with. If you do not feel you can move past this "deception" (as YOU see it), then you need to ask yourself if your relationship means that little to you that you will write it off because of something which has no bearing on it. After all, it is not like he had these encounters while he was with you. They were before he met you. He didn't view then as significant enough to mention and that was his right. Perhaps he too viewed them as mistakes and wished to forget them.
My advice would be to accept his explanation, forget about it and move on. Judge him on his PRESENT behaviour.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2020): If you were both having an 'honest and transparent' discussion about past sexual partners and you thought that he was being honest with you and so you knew 'what you were getting' so to speak, then I think that yes, he should have been honest, if that had been the spirit of the discussion.
But I don't understand why you would want this discussion? I have never asked boyfriends, my fiance or my husband about their past sexual behaviour and conquests because it WAS before we met.
People can act in certain ways, casual sex etc UNTIL they meet the right one, then everything can change. I think this is true of men, especially. Lots of sexual partners is not exactly rare these days and is most certainly not necessarily a sign of ANYTHING, other than your boyfriend may be good with women. Attractive. Not a bad thing. If he loves you.
A man will more than likely lie, when faced with questioning like this, to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Maybe he could tell from your manner during the discussion, that many sex partners would not sit ok with you and so played safe. Now maybe he wants to be more honest. I doubt that he 'forgot' these encounters.
How is the relationship aside from these revelations? Is he a good guy? Good to you? Are you both happy together?
People lie when they think the truth might scare someone off that they like. Which is why this line of interrogation is pointless.
You have to judge him by his actions day to day. Forget the past. It really doesn't matter any longer. What matters is the here and now.
In future relationships, if you decide to let this man go over this, you may very well come across the same problem again, if you insist on delving into someone's past. What's the point when you have no idea you're going to get the truth anyway. It's opening up a can of worms if you have retrospective jealousy, that need not be a stumbling block if you left well alone.
I know that my husband was a womaniser. I knew him since we were twelve and we didn't get together until we were in our late twenties. So I heard all the stories about him from friends at school who were fighting over him, young women from our adolescent years, who he bedded and so on. Never once did it dawn on me to question him about how many partners he had had, once we got together. What has that got to do with us? With me? I knew he had loved me for a long time and that all he had 'got up to' in his previous years, was inconsequential.
I would say leave all this probing into the past relationships of prospective partners alone if you think that the answers might reflect on them now. Because in my opinion, people change, depending who they are with.
With all your insecurity over it, he will be regretting being more honest with you now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 February 2020):
 I think you are right to feel the way you do, but for different reasons than YOU do.
1. he should have been HONEST from the get-go. He chose NOT to, not because he "forgot" those OH SO unimportant flings and sexual partner, but because he WANTED desperately to BE the partner YOU were looking for. So he did a dishonest things to make himself LOOK better - in your eyes.
Which is STUPID of him. If you ask me. Because he made him a liar and it broke your trust in him.
2. while from a moral view point I get that YOU would rather have a partner who hasn't been a "player" or slept around and treated sex like it means nothing. Totally get you. But saying that because he IN THE PAST had more sexual partners he is no longer aligned with YOUR values and morals. Some people WANT to be virtues, good, kind, moral and they want that in a partner, but people do not always STICK to those rules and like FA called it, rug sweep it because it's not helping them present themselves as good as they WANT to be, and be perceived. Not everyone is going to be 100% like you. In any way. Not even an identical twin. While YOU made the CHOICE to not sleep around after your divorce, HE made a different choice. Doesn't mean he no longer had good values or morals. Just means he made a different choice than you.
As for the past. Some things DO matter. Others, really don't. HE CAN NOT go back and change the past. He shouldn't have lied.
I think, if I were you, I'd ask him WHY he chose to share this information with you NOW. And I would probably also tell him that if he has any more revelations about his past that he thinks you won't like to either come clean or shut up about them. (up to you)
I don't think it makes him a "player" to have had a couple of flings after his divorce. Many people think having a fling/casual sex can help them move on after a divorce. Some regret it later, some down play it and some pretend it didn't happen.
What I do think is that he MADE a choice to come clean to you, because he felt he should.
How can you accept it.? That is harder. Because you make presumptions without the facts. You don't know WHY he chose to lie to you (no he didn't forget, he omitted) and you don't know why he is choosing to tell you now. Maybe asking him that can move YOU forward.
You have to decide IF you WANT to be with someone whom you aren't entirely sure you can trust. And if (aside from his confessions) the relationship is working, is good and healthy or not. If it IS good and you WANT to make it work, forgiveness is an options.
Ask yourself this. Would you rather he NEVER told you or that he told you now?
There are WAY worse character flaws than having had a couple of flings after a recent divorce. It doesn't mean he is a sex-addict or deeply immoral. It mean that at THAT time in his life he made some not so great choices.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 February 2020):
 Here is the deal. You were open and transparent, he was not. Now you say this, "I'm not feeling safe in this relationship right now." Well of course you are not. He told you as much as he was able to tell you without losing you.
Now years down the road, he has demonstrated to you that he is capable of a long term committed relationship, so he feels more confident in telling you the past.
BUT! by doing that he has to admit that he did deceive you earlier. Now the truth of his past would have eventually gotten out. It could be argued that it is better that he is willingly making disclosure now.
So why don't you feel safe? I'm going to list some reasons that come to mind. One the basis of your trust in him is more the period of full transparency and disclosure, than the long term good behavior. Two you have been together for years and there is no formal marriage. Three he has declared some sexual liaisons as inconsequential.
So these things have shaken your trust in him. Not god or bad, not should or shouldn't they have shaken and you are doubting. He wants to rugsweep the past. I have two opinions on that. His past really is not your business. And Rug sweeping never works. The lack of trust will continue until you get the truth.
Now a word of caution. You don't need all of the truth. You may need as little as "there was a period of time lasting about x months where he dated "many" women. And some of them had sex with him. What you do not need is to know the names of each, the frequency of sex the places, positions, perfume worn, etc. Those details will not help you and will likely induce retroactive jealousy. One thing that is important is did he cheat. Did he have sex with an outsider while in a committed relationship. Because you already have this doubt that he is a player who treats sex as inconsequential.
Now the further disclosure may not magically bring back your trust. Trust is like a brick wall it is made up of promises made and kept. He may have to bring you a bunch more bricks, before you feel safe.
What should you do? This is the advice part. First there are very few adults who have been sexually active who go for very long periods of sexual abstinence. Believe it. Most people are unlike you in that aspect. (BTW if it makes you feel better my count is 1, so I'm weird too) Two it is more important that a person reserves sex for a committed relationship than that they have a low number of partners. This is especially true for you. You are the only person who can tell you when you feel safe. I can't. Another woman can't. You partner can't, but he is trying. He can help you feel safe by doing the right things. He can not feel safe for you. So you have to decide to rebuild, with this man who has given you quite a few trust bricks, or to let it go. And it really is about how you feel safe.
FA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2020): In all honesty, how would you ever know how many sex partners anyone has had? If they tell you, how do you know they're being honest? Then how would you know how accurate the number is? Could it be more, or less? I could tell you two, and it could be dozens! I might make myself out to be a real stud; and say I've had countless numbers of sex-partners. It may have only been one or two. You'll never know for sure, will you?
How does he know YOU didn't lie? All he has is your word to go by. He could be probing you for a confession, just in-case you weren't completely honest. What's relevant to the present should be your only concerns!
If you establish unrealistic criteria such as revealing the number of people someone slept with before you as a condition for being with you. How likely is it that you'll be told what you want to hear? You can set people up to lie to you.
News flash, we can't undo the past.
You might feel you can judge people by their sexual behavior; but you are forgetting how experimental and hormone-driven people can be in their teens and 20's. Not everyone is as abstinent and righteous as you are. Even Jesus saved and forgave a prostitute, my dear!
Set your sites and priorities on the right character-traits in your man. You've been together for years, and all of a sudden you're concerned about his past sex-life? What do you expect him to do about it now?
If this is a grave concern, and you feel your trust has been betrayed; then decide if you will end this relationship based on this particular issue.
You can drag it out and blow it out of proportion; until it becomes a full-blown matter of contention; otherwise, just decide to end it. Evidently, he has crossed the line; as far as your deal-breaking behavior goes.
Often when people nitpick over petty issues; there is a greater problem beneath it. It is very unlikely in this day and age you're going to find many male-virgins, or people who don't need to seek redemption from past mistakes. As the biblical-saying goes: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"
If you've lived a pristine life without fault or failures; then end this relationship, and continue on your search for perfection and purity. It's more important about who he is now, and how he treats you now, that really matters. If you can't get past it; then it's left-up to him whether he'll deal with your attitude about it. It doesn't make you right, nor better than he is.
If you plan to stick around; maybe you should ask him not to share that kind of information with you, if think you can't deal with it. I'm not sure why he even brings it up at this point in time; but if I was going to be concerned about anything, it would be if he's having sex with other women while you've been together? Why tell you now? That matters!
...............................
|
