A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am starting to really dislike my boyfriends aunt because she has a leash on him. I want to clarify that I have been in a happy relationship for about 7 months now and I am really in love with him but I cannot deny that his aunt annoys me.I would like to rewind to when we first started dating because he used to live with this aunt and said that he could only see me once a week because she is apparently super judgmental and he didn't want her to think negatively of me. Eventually seeing him once a week really got to me and I told him that I had to stop seeing him because I was getting attached and I felt hurt. A month later he finds an apartment. He moved about 10 minutes away from me so we have been together a lot and have been seriously considering marriage so much so that I have introduced him to my conservative father. Something I have never done before because I wanted him to meet a man I was super serious about. (Mind you, I have had about 5 boyfriends my father knew nothing about) I did this because when I told my boyfriend my dad didn't know he existed my bf told me that's ridiculous because we are 24 and too old to be hiding things.My issue is that he is a hypocrite. His aunt calls him super late at night sometimes and one time when I was over they were talking for 3 hours. I know this is only because she has no idea that I am at his place. I view this as him being immature because he cannot just say he's busy. Every month almost he has to watch her dogs for a week. This is because she does not want to pay for a dog sitter, which I find ridiculous because he should not be the goto dog sitter.Another note is that he has also said that he feels like he owes her because she gave him money and he took over the lease to her car.But I'm thinking about how this car is just another form of debt to her which is super sad and frustrating that she would hold that over him. I would find their relationship cute but he has hinted that she is jealous and basically he doesn't talk about us when he's with her. I would also think that he grew up with her but his twin does not even like her so this is a new relationship that has formed in the past few years.I am writing this basically because I am constantly fighting with my inner self. I find him to be immature because he can't stand up to or be frank with his aunt, will this be a forever issue in our relationship?!Or am I just overreacting and I should not make it a big deal and be quiet like usual... I want to like her but he makes it so hard because he can't be a mature adult about this situation and it makes me think that I cannot be an equal. Thanks for the advice!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2020): Hello,I would like to thank you for the responses. I have discussed how I felt with him and he agrees that he needs to man up to his family and say what's on his mind. My issue is him not saying how he feels to them (because he complains to me about watching the dogs and his aunt venting to him on the phone) which to me means they are not as close as it seems. I have not moved into his apt, I want to in the future but I do not want to be involved with a man baby. My main issue is communication as he tells me that his family holds things over his head which is the main reason he goes to great lengths. If we are going to have a future with children and such I want to feel protected and at this point I feel weird. I love him and trust him and I hope it'll work out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): You've only known your boyfriend for seven months. I speculate that his aunt has been somewhat of a second-mother to him; if she has been giving him money, a place to live, and has set-up transportation for him. He claims he took-over her lease; but it is likely she co-signed it for him, if he doesn't have a sufficient credit-score.
It's entirely up to him to man-up to his aunt; but he feels indebted to her, and he's totally devoted. I also want to suggest to you that it may not be completely his aunt's fault. If he was abandoned by his parents, or had a bad childhood; he feels a sense of connection and family-obligation that is sometimes hard to explain. Plus, he may have a habit of making bad-choices...i.e. he has already moved you in! He probably needs auntie to remind him when he's making bad judgment-calls. He's a voluntary man-baby; and it's unfair to blame his aunt, if that's his choice.
What's your problem with him dog-sitting? It's his apartment! You moved-in too soon anyway! It's a kindness you do for close-friends, good-neighbors, and family. She does him favors all the time. Obviously!
He may also use auntie as an excuse, in order to slow you down! When you're already talking about marriage to a guy you've only been with for seven months! I talk to my sister for hours, my partner talks to his parents for hours; I think that's what close-families do. Maybe you're just not accustomed to seeing this kind of family-closeness. It's like you're implying something unthinkable! You're careful around your daddy, so why are you pointing fingers?
I pickup your implication that there's something unsavory going-on; but what's the difference between his aunt having a leash on him...and being p-whipped by his girlfriend? I think you and his aunt neutralize each-other somewhat; and he's pitted in the middle, with you two balancing at opposite ends of the scale. You want complete control; probably because he's so malleable, and quick to please you! She'll likely put breaks on any wedding plans!
When he feels serious enough about you, that's when he will grow-up; and until then, he prefers to be auntie's favorite nephew. It has benefits, they're blood-related, and she was there long before you entered the picture! She'll likely be there for him when you're gone! Try as you may, you can't separate them! It's better to learn to like her; and try to get on her good-side. Ingratiate yourself to her; so she'll trust you and ease-up her hold a bit.
I'll give her some benefit of the doubt; considering we really don't know how much money he owes her, and there's always two-sides to every story.
You can always opt-out and move-on; if this relationship doesn't suit you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2020):
 "I find him to be immature because he can't stand up to or be frank with his aunt, will this be a forever issue in our relationship?!"
Probably.
He isn't going to change. His relationship with his aunt (from your view point) seems a little odd. But if she was his mother, I think it would seem just bit over protective and a bit of a momma's boy. He obviously had a close bond to her, whether YOU understand this or like it, it kind is irrelevant. SHE is an important person in HIS life. And I think so are you, otherwise he wouldn't have moved out from her house.
There might be a lot more going on that you don't know about, which might be why he didn't want you around her "too much". Not just because he CLAIMS she is super judgy... but there could be a lot of other reasons. Maybe he has had a past GF who would show up all the time or spend A lot of time at his aunts place, you know eating her food, kick the dog (kidding) and sleeping over. She might not have been a fan of that and thus your BF presumes that his aunt will judge you to be just like an ex-gf he has brought to the house.
I don't think it's weird that she asks HIM to dog sit. The dog knows him and she can trust him with her house too. The issue might be that HE can't tell her no, even if he wants to. And THAT is on HIM, not her.
Whether his twin likes the aunt or not is ALSO irrelevant. You aren't DATING the twin.
The long and the short of this, HE probably won't change. He gets something out of the relationship and close bond he has with his aunt.
You could bring up the question as to why he feels he needs to keep you "secret". Or you can if the aunt calls, decide to NOT sit around for 3 hours and just head home. After all you only live 10 min away. At some point he might realize that you DON'T really want to sit and WAIT for him to be done talking to someone for 3 hours if you were hanging out.
But... there is a difference between YOU wanting him to "stand up" to his aunt and what HE actually really wants to do himself. It's not your job to tell him to say no to dog-sitting or whatnot IF he honestly IS OK with doing it. And it's NOT your job to have him tell his aunt that he can't chat because YOU are visiting. IF he can't MAKE those choices himself.. it's because he CHOOSES not to. Because he WANTS to dog-sit and WANTS to chat with his aunt. Or he is spineless and THAT.... you can't fix, HE can't even fix that!
So all in all, make yourself a little pro/con list of the relationship and decide if the negatives (cons) outweighs the positive (pros) or not.
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