A
female
age
30-35,
*keez
writes:Hello everyone! I hope someone out there can help me.Ive been having some problems recently with someone whom used to be quite a close friend to me, but now a days that seems to have changed and Im not sure why.I had a friend who I met in Uni about 5 years ago, We got on great and were very close friends throughout all of our studies.After Uni we both moved back to our home town to save money but we kept in contact with each other and visited. She moved back to the City we both went to Uni about a year later and I followed about 8 months later. In that time I wasn't living there she got more close with our Uni friends while I was still at home so naturally there relationship was blossoming while I had to catch up again on our friendship when I moved back. Ever since we moved back to the city she has treated me more so like I am an idiot half the time, and only recently has it got really really bad.One thing I want to point out is that when I was looking to move back I was searching for good accommodation and found out that there was a room going in her houseshare with other housemates, but she never mentioned it to me and the room was empty for a while. Eventually she got one of our other friends to move in with her. I was fine with the situation but was quite hurt she chose not to even ask or mention about the room when I was looking and thought we were great enough friends she would want me there, but apparently not.So I let that one slide and found a flatshare.Recently her mum sadly passed away which was so shocking and unexpected, that we all tried to be there for her as much as possible but in that time, she seems to have pushed me away even further but not with anyone else. She talks down to me and gets annoyed with me easily. She rarely ever hugs me goodbye or even wants to stand anywhere near me when we are all together as friends, she will hug everyone else but me and I feel very upset by it though I try not to show it. She tells me to get out of her way if I'm standing somewhere and rarely every asks me to hang out. And just a few days ago while my friends were planning a holiday I couldn't go on because of money I joked they should bring me back a present like a bong because they were going to Amsterdam, but she straight up said 'I wouldn't buy you a gift anyway'That really hurt my feelings, not because the fact she wouldn't get me something but the way she said it and it made me feel as though she hated me and couldnt care less.All of this has now made me anxious around my friends. I feel nervous to be in a group with her in case she points something else out to put me down, and I have started to become quiet and low self confidence in myself because I question whether if I am stupid or not. And I have no idea what to say to my friends anymore and If i do speak I end up saying something ridiculous that even I think is because I cant feel normal around them anymore.Please bare in mind this is just this one friend, all my other friends treat me really nicely and I appreciate them for that.Im not sure what to do though about this problem.Can anyone help me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Yes I too think she's got it in for you. You come across as someone who would have been straight round there with an apology if you had even a hint that you'd said/done something wrong.
I am also British and agree our social etiquette can make things like this a nightmare. If you give as good as you get you will be accused of "making a fuss". If you try and talk to her about it she'll have heart failure.
Why are we like that? It's madness! Best to move on and meet new people.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): I am a teacher of 16-18 year olds and I see this kind of thing all the time; girls suddenly turning on former best friends and victimising them. I realise that you are a little older but it looks like the same thing. It's usually due to the fact they are cleverer, prettier and more popular etcThe fact that it started when you returned to The City is interesting. Were you the more popular one amongst your friends? Does she feel pushed out by you since your return?Either way it's wrong. As a fellow Brit and aware of our strict social codes I think that the way she is behaving in front of your mutual friends is shocking and I know that even if you'd slept with her boyfriend (which I don't think you have btw) it wouldn't be considered acceptable for her to put you down in front of other people, particularly if you don't retaliate. It's bullying plain and simple and it must feel very humiliating. What right does she have to tell you to "Get out of her way" Who does she think she is?You are clearly very upset by this and rightly feel undermined. You have obviously racked your brains for an explanation and found none. You could try taking her to one side and asking to her what her problem with you is but if she actually wanted to remain on good terms she probably wouldn't have carried on behaving like this for so long. From my experience at college bullies usually hate being unmasked and rarely do people go back to being friends.Anyway why would you want to after the way she's treated you? Can't you see your other friends separately? Seek out new people you have things in common with who will treat you in a respectful way and value you as the good friend I'm sure you are. You'll feel much happier in the long run. Good luck.:)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 To me it sounds like she really doesn't WANT to be your friend any more.
It could be like *birdynumnums* suggest that something else happened that you either aren't mentioning or have forgotten.
It sounds like she is treating you this way to make you the one to walk away, so she won't be "the bad guy".
Personally, I'd cut down on spending time with her, you have other friends and I'd focus on them. If she bring it up, have a talk. If not... then you know.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 I suspect that there has been some altercation that has slipped your mind. I think it's easy to brush things under the carpet and pretend there hasn't been one, but if I were to ask you if ANYTHING else had happened, I'm sure something would pop into your mind and you would be the first to deny it; but it happened. Own up to whatever came between you and go back to her with some humility.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): It sounds to me like she is jelous of you. Who knows why? Jealously can be an irrational emotion and it is not your fault.
You sound like a kind, understanding person who wants things to go back to the way they were but that is unlikely to happen.
I appreciate that this girl has just gone through a family bereavement but having just gone through one myself I know that her treatment of you is not justified or explained by this.
She is bullying you and it is unacceptable.It is clearly beginning to affect your confidence and you must not allow it to go on.
So what's can you do? Well having been through a similar experience myself I suggest you go out and meet some new people. Take up a sport, volunteer or join a group of some sort. Anything to distance yourself from her.
I appreciate that you are in a group but do you all have to meet up together? You are not at Uni any more so you don't need to carry on with the pack mentality. I would suggest you try and illicit the help of another of your group but since you make no mention of any of them telling her to "put a sock in it" when she puts you down, I suspect they won't be of much use.
I would suggest talking to her about it but it sounds like things have gone beyond that and it might make things worse if she thinks you pity her.
I learnt from being bullied and stand up for myself more now. I don't allow people to be rude to me and call them out on it but I am still a soft hearted person who hates confrontation.
Ultimately she is a much more unhappy person than you are however she makes you feel.
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