A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm hoping to get some opinions because I think I'm doing something wrong.I always attract men I'm not attracted to, but the ones I'm interested in never like me. I didn't think much of this as a teenager, even though it was annoying, because I knew there was plenty of time. But at 26 I know I'm not getting any younger.I feel like I'll never meet anyone where there is mutual attraction or at least close. I even ended my marriage over this. I just couldn't continue being with someone I'm not that attracted toMost recently I liked a coworker. We don't work together anymore. I'll admit I didn't talk to him much because I was so nervous around him. He did seem to look at me a lot, but I never had the courage to have more than small talk with him.A month after leaving that job, I worked up the courage to send him a friend request on Facebook. I know I shouldn't take social media seriously but it really hurt he rejected my request. It hurt even more when I noticed he has no problem adding "hot" women who are dressed very provocatively, and they live in our area. Yes, I admit I checked out a few of their profiles. It probably wouldn't have hurt quite as much if not for those other women I see on his page. I feel he didn't add me because I'm not pretty enough in his opinion, or he's already forgotten me. Or both. I guess I'm looking for people who are going through similar problem, and how to deal with it. I'm giving up hope. Is there anyone here who gave up then finally got to be with someone you wanted?Please share your story, it will restore some hope. If not, just tell me how to deal with the fact I'm going to grow old and never know the pleasure of being with someone I truly want.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): WiseOwlE I just want to point out, as a 40 something woman with her own income and own home, that I have NEVER cared how much a man earns or to what extent he meets stereotypical 'handsome' criteria.
What I do really care about is how a man manages what money he does have and whether the way he manages his money is going to cause a problem in a relationship. I've been with chaotic men who don't earn all that much but waste what they do have through mis-management. And I've been with rich men who, to my dismay, think that they can 'buy' me because they think that's all that women are interested in.
I've also been with a stereotypically handsome guy whose looks I was pretty oblivious too until I realised women went into overdrive wherever I went with him (he was my husband and I fell in love with him - wait for it - at eighteen and because he read a lot of poetry and loved art). I've also been with men who are just 'average' looking and it really doesn't matter to me. Again, I'm much more interested in how a man manages his health and his body and things like what clothing choices he makes and whether he does exercise. These are far more important to me because they can be excellent indicators that someone is grown up enough and connected to the world enough to actually have an EQUAL relationship with me.
I am writing this in because I really am quite tired of the hidden sexisms that I find and, as I know that you often say on this site that you are a gay man, I am a bit upset to find this kind of prejudice levied at women, when you must know what prejudice feels like.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): I agree with RubyBirtle - and I have been and am still in your situation - I realised through counselling that I go for emotionally unavailable men. These are not necessarily the most stereotypically handsome men. They usually have both a very confident, very charismatic side and, dangerously, seem to have a very sensitive, rather shy and vulnerable side that they will reveal now and again. This is an absolutely lethal mix and it can get you hooked on a man very quickly - you crave to see more of his 'sensitive' side and you are blown away by his charisma and charm. Once you get to know them more, you realise they are actually quite shallow, messed up men who have the ability to simply cut off emotionally, seemingly at whim, and leave you heartbroken until they 'return'. In my case it took years for me to see that this was all due to the pattern set by my Dad, who was a lovely man on the one hand but was also very violently tempered and abusive on the other. He also, since I was 14, had an operation that went wrong and for many years as I was a teenager he would be suddenly whisked away to hospital for weeks on end, being driven in an ambulance to London. The first time that this happened he was in hospital for months and he came back as a TOTALLY different person, both physically (he was emaciated) and in personality (he was oblivious to me, rude and cruel and very demanding).
Like you, I have spent years attracting guys that I am absolutely NOT attracted to and even repulsed by. And spent years wondering why, not realising that I was actually 'waiting' (without realising) for the next emotionally unavailable guy to come along. The thing is with emotionally unavailable men that the SEEM absolutely the opposite sometimes. They are often so charming and so confident and sensitive that they seem totally there for you. And then they just switch off and leave you hurting. When you compare their dynamism and "Alpha" qualities to other guys, the other guys seem pathetic and a real turn off. And I did go through a stage of really trying to like one of these men. Until he kissed me and it was the worst kiss I have ever experienced and I realised I really WAS repulsed by him. It can be VERY confusing.
WiseOwlE is right, that in the dating game you will be bound to attract people that you aren't attracted to at all. But I certainly don't agree that if you kiss the frog you may find your 'prince'. It's simply not like that for everyone. I do think that there must be a middle ground, though - where a guy is not SO emotionally unavailable that a relationship is impossible, but he's also stable enough to be there when you need him.
My guess is that, without realising it, you are still in this mindset of 'waiting' for something to trigger. You have been hurt and, it seems, you actually hurt quite easily. But these are exactly the conditions that make it easier for emotionally unavailable men to use you for. They gravitate towards women who are sensitive and get hurt easily, because the response they get makes them feel more connected to someone than they usually would just through forming a friendship and taking things slower.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): In the dating world, everyone attracts people they're not attracted to. That comes with the territory. You weed out incompatible personalities, and try to be flexible about looks.
You can't put up a force-field that repels people you're not attracted to. Attraction isn't always instant. Some people grow on you. Surprisingly and unexpectedly, you may even fall in-love.
My sister couldn't stand my brother-in-law when they first met. She says he was always staring and grinning at her. She even snapped at him a couple of times; but he was so sweet and gentle with her, she thought about it and apologized. He asked her out, they have been married for the last 19 years, two kids, one cat and a puppy later. You should see them together. I love him too!
There are two types of attraction. Emotional-attraction, and physical-attraction. If you're an attractive person; you're not off-limits to people who simply like you and want to meet you. I think you confuse the two types of attraction, and I also think you're snobbish; and have a "type" that really isn't compatible with who you are.
In social settings from high school to college; there are popular people, and there are the unpopular people. Popular people draw people with their charisma and/or good-looks.
Unpopular people hide, or feel socially awkward. They never seem to appreciate themselves, so nobody else does either.
You float somewhere in-between. You attract people; but you want the kind of guys that ignored you in high school, or college. You have to prove to your ego that you can want someone and get him. When he rejects you, you relive it over and over. It stings. Any guy that isn't a challenge for you, doesn't matter to you. No matter who he is. So you chalk it all up to the belief you'll never find anyone you want who wants you.
You don't open your feelings to allow yourself to let anyone close enough to know if you are attracted to him.
You judge at first glance, or one impression for you is forever. He may be emotionally-interested; but he isn't physically-attractive enough to stroke your ego; and make you feel you walk among the most beautiful of women. Bringing him to his knees with your feminine mystique.
You may be borderline-superficial. How you are perceived by other women when you're with him; is what may concern you the most. You want to feel like a trophy. You would, if you'd give a guy half a chance!!!
You probably like the womanizers who select women on the basis of their beauty, style, and his rigid standards in selecting eye-candy. To be seen on his arm, gives instant status. The problem with those guys is, they don't want to be seen with one woman too often. Certainly not unless she's a head-turner.
You just glance at ordinary guys and write him off; because he doesn't fit your "type." The very type that doesn't know you exist, and could not care any less.
If you decide to be open-minded and stop claiming everyone you meet is a weirdo; the right guy will enter your radar.
Everyone has something peculiar about them, or may seem a little nervously-awkward when we feel intimidated by someone who tenses-up the second they are approached. Someone who rolls their eyes, or gives a cold-stare.
For the most part, men prefer to pursue women. So you get approached more often then you may approach a man. Some guys may not like that assertive or bold kind of woman; or just did not think you were as pretty as "his" usual "type." You hypocritically take offense to the very rejection you dole out so generously to those you deem "unattractive" to you.
You just might be a little "weird" yourself. Nobody's perfect!
I don't believe you when you claim their looks don't matter or how much they make. What planet do you date on? Every single-female I know cares how much he makes, and how he looks. It isn't always a matter of high standards. It's about the guy who is right for you. You judge men harshly, and you don't know a thing about us. You don't even know yourself.
Everybody sets the criteria they're looking for in a mate. You just look for guys that you think will boost your ego, and make you feel you've conquered those guys who have rejected you in the past. They notice you're pretty and they respond by flirting. So your mission is to make them measure you on their scale of attractiveness. If they don't reach the sizzling temperature you expect, you take their tepidness as rejection. It probably wasn't. They hardly know you, or wasn't looking for much more than sex. They just didn't want you as a girlfriend.
Stop considering men who like you as "unattractive;" and start viewing guys as people. Get to know something about them and stop closing-off your feelings; because he doesn't fit into your "mold" or "type." It is for this reason your karma kicks you in the ass, and you're alone.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (3 April 2015):
I'm in the same boat.
I know now (after some therapy) that my problem is that I'm attracted to confident yet emotionally unavailable men.
Now it's not that I think "Hey, there's an emotionally unavailable guy over there. I think I'll go and hang out with him!", it's far more subconscious than that. After all, guys don't walk around with a placard saying "I am emotionally unavailable" (it would be much easier for me if they did) but there is obviously something that I find attractive about these guys - they're often confident, successfull, intelligent, interesting, etc. It's not usually until later that I realise that they're actually self-centered, arrogant and totally self-absorbed and i've simply been wasting my time.
And it's hardly surprising that I'm attracted to this kind of guy - because it's completely my DAD. And we women frequently model our choice of partner on our mother's choice of partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): janniepeg, here's the thing though. I'm not even attracted to the "rich, handsome" guys. The coworker I was talking about, and the previous men would all have been considered average or maybe even ugly by societal standards. I get attracted to many different looks, and actually it's mostly the "most desirable" men who become attracted to me and I just don't feel it. So I know the problem isn't that I have my standards set too high, that's why I'm trying to figure out what else I might be doing wrong.
Do you think it could be my shyness?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 You are certainly not alone. I read that somewhere (to that I mean the source is interesting, it's nothing scholarly but definitely convincing) that women are only interested in the top 10 % of men. These top 10% of men can afford to screw around and live their vain lifestyles, then settle down when they are 50 with whomever they want. The remaining percentage are those who are not so attractive but women would settle because they are loyal and stable. They say, "you are not hot, but I would let you impregnate me, in return for your loyalty and security you bring." Then we call this love. So we women give birth to all these average boys and girls.
As to what to do. Get very rich so you don't care if the really handsome ones can't support you. If you want both attraction and security you have to give up something. It's near to impossible that you have attraction, security and disposable income. I know easier said than done.
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